Nothing is sexier than fantasy football. Excuse me, that was a typo. I meant, “anything is sexier than fantasy football.” Failing to find stuff at Home Depot is sexier than fantasy football. Doing cost/risk analysis on whether to switch to a generic brand of “heavy flow” sanitary napkin is sexier than fantasy football. Failing to find a generic brand of “heavy flow” sanitary napkin at Home Depot is sexier than fantasy football.
So I started wondering: People make porn about anything (Rule 34). So, are there people out there actually writing erotic literature about fantasy football? I made it my mission to uncover some fantasy football “romance” stories, so I could pull some choice quotes for my readers.
I started by searching “fantasy football romance” in Amazon.com’s book section. There I discovered that a ton of football-themed romance novels think it’s super-freaking-clever to put “fantasy football” in their title, even when they have nothing to do with fantasy football. It should be “football fantasy,” people, not “fantasy football.” Ordering words correctly is literally the only requirement of writing a book and they can’t even get that straight!
What is the purpose of putting “fantasy football” in the description?
Are you banking that someone will be like, “well, I was searching for
fantasy football trophies, but I guess I’ll just give the league winner
a recording of someone reading porn, instead”?
I only found one story that could be about fantasy football itself. However, when I pushed on “one click ordering,” I forgot that my 6-year-old nephew had linked up his kindle to my account, and so it sent him an erotic story. I spent the rest of my research time breaking into my sister’s house so I could delete that. I’ll try again later and let you know how it goes, but I wanted to steer clear of Amazon for a while.
So I headed on over to the search engine at Literotica.com . With at least half a million erotic stories, one of them has to be about fantasy football, right? Sure enough, searching titles for “fantasy football” brought up a bunch of hits, so I started working my way through them.
The first title was “Fantasy Football Player,” and it started off promisingly:
My name is Ted and I run a fantasy football league with some friends of mine back in my college days and a few new people we added for a 20-team league. We meet every year for our face-to-face draft. There is no money involved, just a bunch of guys having fun. We are all very competitive and research the players, smack talk, and all of that.
Okay great: Guys, fun, competitive tension, all the ingredients are there. Now I scroll on down to look at the smut:
He said “I would like you to lie on the floor for 15 minutes while I rub my socked feet all over your face.”
Uhh, that has nothing to do with fantasy football. When I say I’m looking for “fantasy football erotic stories” I mean stories with fantasy football as a plot: Two opponents squaring off in a high scoring match, where the tension gives way to passion and they give in to each other’s bodies on top of the draft board. See it’s not that hard to write.
It’s not like the author of the misleadingly-titled “Fantasy Football Player” isn’t nerdy enough. Right after that sock-face line, they wrote this:
I said “Let me think” and I thought it out for several seconds. $50 for 15 minutes is $200 an hour which is around 8 hours of work at my pay rate, and it is tax free so that is really something like the equivalent of $300 an hour which is around 12 hours of work. Would I rather work 12 hours or have his socked feet rubbed on my face for 15 minutes?
First of all, that math doesn’t work out at all. Second of all, what is math even doing in an erotic story? The title should have been, “Financially Pragmatic Sock Player.”
The existence of this story means that somewhere out there,
a person is using something like this table as whacking material
On to the next story, “Fantasy Football Fun.” Okay, I have high hopes for this one. Maybe the draft party has the liquor flowing a bit too heavy and gets steamy, maybe someone does sexual favors for a juicy trade. There’s plenty of possibilities, here.
One of my fantasy football leagues consisted of a group of coworkers from a past company I worked at. The league consisted of 10 people. We had 5 guys and 5 girls and no one took it too seriously, it was all in fun.
A good start. Big mix of guys and girls, anything can happen.
For our draft, we rented a conference room at a hotel.
A hotel! The perfect setting for a sultry tryst! What happens next?
And at the end of the season we all met at someone’s house and had a party. We invited others we worked with in the past as well and the party often went well into the night. This was the sixth year of our league and consequently our sixth end of the season party.
Wait, WHAT?! You just skipped over the entire fantasy football part of the story. Why did you even mention the hotel for the draft? Hey check out my Game of Thrones-themed erotic story: “Two people watched Game of Thrones. Then they mated.”
At this point, fantasy football-themed erotic literature has become my white whale.
Still sexier than fantasy football
The next story is called “Joanie Joins the Workforce.” I control-F’ed for “fantasy football” and it only appeared ONE TIME:
Some day I really had to learn what fantasy football was. But there was no rush, as far as I was concerned.
Okay so this story is like the exact opposite of fantasy football-themed. I’m going to just stick with stories with “fantasy football” in the title. Like this next one, titled “Ultimate Fantasy Football, Ch. 1.” There’s multiple chapters? That means more chances to actually work in some fantasy football erotic stuff:
Every Fall their marketing office puts together a friendly low-cost $25 Fantasy Football league to foster fun collegial competition. This year the winner will take home $200 with $50 for second place. Steve and Jen immediately began some playful banter after the draft, each feeling confident about their picks for the season. The bantering was a poorly disguised covering for their flirting.
Great start, they are using fantasy football to flirt. Now use it for sex…
“What do you say every Tuesday morning we compare fantasy scores. The winner gets to select the restaurant that night for dinner; the loser pays. Steve couldn’t resist the challenge, and the opportunity for 16 guaranteed weekly dates with his gorgeous co-worker. Jen knew exactly what she was proposing, and felt sure Steve would be paying for her tour of expensive restaurants around the city. Game on.
They are making fantasy football bets and going on dates. This could be it people! Frankly, at this point I’ll accept a fantasy football sex bet as “on-theme erotica,” even if the sex has nothing to do with fantasy football.
“I can’t wait for the New York rivalry next week,” Jen said. “I love watching the Bills spank the Jets.”
“What are you talking about?” Steve answered boisterously. “I hope you mean you love watching the Jets spank the Bills,” he corrected.
“The Jets are a mess this season,” she answered. “I’m from upstate. My Bills are going to own the Jets.”
“You have no idea what you are talking about,” Steve said. “I’ve followed the Jets all my life. This is their year, and they’ll prove it against the Bills.”
Jen threw back another shot of the clear Japanese drink and slammed the small glass on the table in front of her. The warm burn flowed down her throat while it’s buzz pushed throughout her body. “You willing to back those words up with a wager?”
“You like these wagers,” Steve observed.
“Either put up or shut up,” my dad always says. “Words only matter if you have skin in the game. You willing to back it up?”
“Absolutely,” Steve answered confidently. “Name it.”
“Anything?” Jen asked.
“Anything. Just be ready to pay up,” Steve chided back.
“I say we make it interesting then,” Jen said, seeing an opportunity and feeling the buzz of Japanese liquid courage. “If I’m honest, there’s only one thing I want, and it will be fun taking it from you.”
“Name it,” Steve said, “and I’m in.”
“When I win, you become mine for the night,” she said. “That’s it.”
“You wagering sex?” Steve asked, impressed with her boldness.
“I think of it more as you becoming my boy-toy to do with however I want all night with no restrictions.”
“I see,” Steve said. “So, if your Bills win then I become your sex slave for the night,” he clarified. “Is that what you’re proposing?”
“Those are your words,” she answered with a coy smile, “but I like the sound of it.”
STOP! NO! This incredibly stilted dialogue is no longer about fantasy football, it’s about regular football. Why can’t they just bet on fantasy football it’s the same thing! UGH! Also, it turns out there were NO other chapters written. Honestly, I’m GLAD!
I’m unreasonably mad about this now! I think I’m going to have to make this a two-parter once I get that Amazon.com book into my Kindle, so check back next week.
For more La Femme Football, check out these:
Photo Credit: http://programmes.putin.kremlin.ru/en/beluha/ under https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/deed.en