Can a woman play football? YES! More than ever, women are making strides in the world of college football. Toni Harris is a safety playing on scholarship at Bethany college. Becca Longo is a placekicker who regularly boots 45 yard field goals through the uprights. Lisa Simpson sued the University of Colorado football team for sexual assault and was awarded $2.8 million.
Now is the time for a woman to step up and become the first female NFL player. Sure she’ll face backlash from curmudgeons, bigots, and jockstrap salesmen, but such is the price of progress.
Don’t even bring up that tired argument that women can’t play football because they’re not strong enough and might be pregnant. There are women out there today who are more than qualified to put down the clothes iron and own the gridiron.
Here are my leading candidates for women who could easily leap onto the field, like that time I was arrested at Century Link:
Two-time winner of the World’s Strongest Woman Competition, Moore could easily slide in as a Pro Bowl caliber offensive lineman. Pushing defensive lines back would be no problem: She recently set a World Record by lifting a 325-pound stone sphere with absolutely no gripping assistance.
Moore is also the world’s least efficient car thief
She’s got what it takes. The only issue I can see is that she is from Yorkshire, England, where the white roses bloom gorgeously and the bogs are swampier than my pantyhose on a hot day. Her lack of familiarity with American football might cause her to assign everything a cutesy name, “15 yardies for roughie the passie!” Again, this is due to her Britishness, not due to her powerful femininity.
Size is the most important characteristic for centers and guards, but if you want a tackle who can protect the edge, you’ll need muscle plus flexibility. Enter Poland’s Aneta Florcyk, four-time World’s Strongest Woman and possessor of an hourglass figure I would kill for.
Here she is lifting what appears to be a member of
90s R&B supergroup Color Me Badd
She’s definitely got the quickness to keep defenders from getting around the edge: Florcyk came in third in the celebrity ice skating event Dancing on Ice.
If you’ve got a better way to cook crêpes we’d love to hear it
Time for a skill position! Shanae Miller-Uibo is 6-foot-1 and runs a 100 meter dash in 11.19 seconds. It’s hard to translate that to combine numbers, but it would definitely be a sub-4.4 forty yard dash. Also she has no problem laying out for those circus grabs.
That clip of her lunging across the finish line shows she has sports brains, too: She became the first person to win Olympic gold by diving. Besides, you know, people competing in the actual sport of diving.
Maggie De Block
Nearly 300 pounds, former Belgian Minister of Health Maggie De Block is apparently totally fit (why else would they make her Minister of Health?) She’d make a perfect NFL center. I mean, come on, her name is “Block.”
You’re telling me she wouldn’t be better than
whomever the hell the Arizona Cardinals are currently starting?
When it comes to jersey sales, I’d expect De Block to lead the league. After all, she was voted Belgium’s most popular politician, do you realize how rare it is to find a politician people actually like? Plus she won’t divide fans by making a decision on whether or not to kneel for the anthem, partly because she’s from another country but mainly because we’re pretty sure she can’t kneel.
To convince those stodgy stalwarts who still can’t accept that ** FEMALES** are tough enough to play NFL football, we need a poster girl. A Mick Foley or Mike Alstott, but in lady form. Someone who is just as comfortable with a Tampax up their bloody nose as she is with one up her… actually neither of those are comfortable. Anyway, we need a face: Someone who’s blonde and beautiful and…
… and bloodthirsty
Enter Georgia Page, an Australian-born rugby player for Missouri’s Lindenwood Tigers. I didn’t even know women’s collegiate rugby was a thing in the U.S., much less that it was a prime source of ultraviolence. Page knows it, though, and she doesn’t mind tackling so hard she breaks her nose, then makes two more extremely hard tackles before she’s pulled from the field.
Imagine her in a helmet, laying out tackles and smashing through the glass ceiling with her face. Seriously, if women can play collegiate rugby, think about how good they’d be at a sport that isn’t stupid?
In our lifetime, someone with two X chromosomes is going to make it to the NFL. Maybe it will be Longo, or Harris, or this lady with the nation’s longest legs:
She could be a punter, or a placekicker,
or the Dallas Cowboys only WR
The question is no longer “can a woman play football,” it is now “when?” No matter who breaks down the barrier, it will be a noble spectacle that someone is going to get hilariously angry about on social media.
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