Editor’s note: For the Week 9 injury report, we wanted to bring in an insider to weigh-in on the McCarron trade paperwork gaffe. So we got someone who is in charge of paperwork for the NFL, but insisted on remaining anonymous.
Paperwork is critical, not just on the week 9 injury report, but always. For decades, you thick-necked jocks have derided me, calling me a pencil pusher who is needlessly vindictive. But they didn’t file their paperwork in time, so I canceled their big trade between the Bengals and Browns. Who’s vindictive now?! According to the VIN-612 form I just filled out, I am officially the one who is vindictive now!
As an industry expert and, apparently, the only person who can be bothered to fill out the right forms to get anything done around here, I wanted to generously share my gift of insight as to some surprise stories developing around the…
Week 9 Injury Report
Jordan Reed, strained hamstring
Do you know how many concussions Jordan Reed has had? Five. How do I know that? Because every time Reed comes to my office (which I still have to share with a bunch of cleaning supplies), he takes my pencil after filling out the requisite concussion forms. That means that FIVE TIMES I have had to walk all the way up to the administration offices, fill out an official supply request form, and wait 2 business weeks to get a new pencil.
Well, no more! I have filed workplace grievance form #221, and will not withdraw it, nor officially process the paperwork for Reed’s hamstring strain, until I get my pencils back! It can’t just be any storebought pencils, either. It has to be my five original pencils, in the exact condition they were in when I LOANED them to Reed.
Chris Hogan, sprained shoulder
Hogan injured his shoulder last week and, more importantly, filled out the paperwork for this injury in a timely manner. However, last week I had a flat tire leaving the NFL parking lot, and who was behind me? Chris Hogan. He kindly took time out of his busy day to jack up my car and put on a full sized spare from his own SUV.
BUSTED! I immediately turned around and went back to the office to file a special injunction halting Hogan’s injury status pending a formal investigation. You can’t make me break my ethics by bribing me with tires.
Zach Miller, shredded leg artery
Miller suffered a heartbreaking tragedy when he almost lost his leg after a particularly gruesome injury. Now I’m not soulless, I definitely feel for Zach Miller’s struggle and the stress his family must be enduring. That’s why I courteously dropped off an NFL leave of absence form in his hospital room.
This form is important! Losing a leg does not excuse late paperwork. I’m not a monster, but if Miller continues his delinquency in filing this important paper, I will be forced to fill out a REQ-7209, forcing him to play until his injury is officially in the books.
Joe Flacco, concussion
Flacco was placed in the concussion protocol despite not showing any symptoms. Look, the concussion form has a space where you enter your symptoms. If that space has nothing in it, then I am forced to treat the entire form as incomplete. In response, Flacco said, and I quote, “You suck.” Rest assured I immediately proceeded to HR (after filling out workplace grievance form #222, of course). HR assured me that they would take my case with “absolute seriousness,” and that the higher-ups would be contacted immediately. At first, I thought they might have been using the humor device known colloquially as, “sarcasm,” but then I realized that all HR reps are humorless drones. I feel sorry for them.
For more articles like the week 9 injury report, check out these links:
Week 8 injury report by a natural healer & chiropractor
Injury report for week 4 (by a guy who is in denial about his own racism)
So, my wife died last night: A week 5 injury report
