What Big Medicine doesn’t want you to know is that a lot of players on the week 8 injury report would heal much sooner if they opened their minds to the powers of holistic medicine. I’m here to blow this story wide open, so we can get your fantasy players back in your starting lineup.
Week 8 Injury Report
Carson Palmer is allegedly out 8 weeks with a broken arm. However, all he needs to do is get some lavender essential oils, and that fracture will clear right up within one week. He doesn’t even need to use the oils, simply the act of handing me money for the bottle is what mends broken bones. If his arm doesn’t return to normal immediately, it is because his chakras need realignment, which could take up to seven additional weeks.
FUN FACT: You can tell when your chakras align properly because you will hear a loud crack in your lower back.
Sanders was upgraded to “questionable” from “unquestionable,” this week. His sprained ankle could benefit greatly from my patented, patent-pending “Pepp-O-Bone” elixir. To make it at home, simply boil the bones of a chicken born under a full moon with a bag of peppermint candies. Once a nice broth has formed (about 144 hours), strain the mixture and cool. Then, take a 150 ml Syringe with a large, gauge 8 needle, and inject the broth directly into the affected area. This also works for eyeball pain.
Tate finds himself on the week 8 injury report with a sprained AC joint. The injury itself is painful, debilitating, and, most importantly, results in a severe imbalance of the body’s humors. He can upgrade his status from “doubtful” to “peachy keen,” simply by addressing the fact that, right now, his body has too much ichor and not enough bile. The solution is simple: Consume a large amount of bile while squatting over a toilet, a remedy I discovered indirectly during a college fraternity hazing ritual. Where the bile comes from does not really matter, I found a cheap and replenishing supply by feeding my cat chocolate.
Wallace is questionable with a concussion, according to the week 8 injury report. I have treated this injury many times for players in Mexican underground football leagues. My solution is a special helmet I created: On one side is a 25-pound positively-charged magnet. On the other side is a 25-pound cut of veal. Sure, detractors doubted me at first, but every player who has donned my healing helmet immediately plowed through defenders for record gains. Speaking of which, check out next week, when I present my home remedy for neck injuries. I don’t want to spoil the article, but I’ll give you a hint: Step 1 is to coat everything you eat in toothpaste.
Maclin was limited in practice on Tuesday with a shoulder injury. While team doctors expect him to play, my diagnosis is that he will need a miracle cure to get back on the field in time for Thursday Night Football. I have such a cure, which is why I’ve been calling his house nonstop to offer my services. Maclin, if you are reading this, all you need to do is come to my office and strip naked. After putting my medical-grade restraints on your wrists and ankles, I will proceed to give you a full-body internal massage. I am such a huge believer in this process that I will even do it for free. All I ask is that you let me take pictures to distribute to extremely reputable magazines on natural healing, such as, “Healing Groovy,” “Head over Healing,” and “When I Get That Feeling, I Need Natural Healing Monthly.”