TOP FIVE LISTS: Ezekiel Elliott Suspension, NaVorro Bowman, Roger Goodell

Ezekiel Elliott

Top 5 things that are painfully parallel

1. Goodell urging white owners to use their authority to stop black players complaining about being mistreated by authorities

2. My wife’s legs after I forgot Valentines day

3. Aaron Rodgers’ collarbones

4. Parking on the street outside Cleveland Browns stadium

5. The crosswalk by Michael Floyd’s favorite bar


Ezekiel Elliott

Top 5 reasons the Ezekiel Elliott suspension is still in limbo

1. Female district judges keep having to call recess in order to pull up their tops

2. Every time the judge says, “you may be seated,” Jerry Jones orders his players to stand

3. The courts are in New York. The Cowboys play the Giants 8 games from now. You do the math

4. For a while, authorities thought Elliott was his middle name, and his last name was “The Ohio State University”

5. Because just like their season, Dallas insists on dragging everything out even though everyone knows it’s going to end badly


Ezekiel Elliott

Top 5 ways NaVorro Bowman will find life different as an Oakland Raider

1. Jumping into crowd now means being accosted by people begging for spare change

2. Starts averaging more catches per game than the “#1” receiver

3. Using the shower glory hole now referred to as “taking the Del Rio gamble”

4. Much more likely to fail drug test after getting high from gang graffiti fumes while running out of tunnel

5. When pelted with wine from angry fans, it tastes remarkably more Thunderbird-y

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