My fellow ladies, you know I love a fixer-upper! But I don’t want to land myself on the week 3 injuries report with a broken heart. So I’ve got the lowdown on which fantasy football studs you want to keep putting work into, and which fantasy football duds you deffo want to “new-phone-who-dis.”
Week 3 Injuries Report
Jordy Nelson Injury Update
Jordy, baby, I find your status to be questionable. You say you want to be my WR1, but when it comes down to game time you might be inactive? What are you so busy doing that you can’t start for me? Am I the other woman? I’m gonna pencil you in for Sunday, but I’m gonna show interest in another man to try to get you to come around (and because your afternoon game time means I need a backup or there will be a hole in my lineup… and my heart)
Rob Kelley Injury Update
Rob, your rib injury has been downgraded to a cartilage fracture, which means you can still perform, if you know what I mean. Still, you need to stop treating me like I’m basic: Sure running yards are good meat and potatoes, but receptions and TDs are the apps and ‘serts of the fantasy football world.
Tyler Eifert Injury Update
Ty guy, your “back and knee soreness” is as transparent an excuse as the old “I have a headache.” I’ve never even heard of someone having doubled-up this early in the season with two week 3 injuries. Even if you do play, that no-good crew you run with means I need to look elsewhere for my tight ended loving
Rob Gronkowski Injury Update
Ever since I saw you on that cruise, we’ve been doing this dance. Just when I think you’re the one to take me to the altar of a fantasy championship, you run away to the week 3 injuries report. Robbie, it’s safe: You don’t have to be afraid to let it out. Embrace the feelings in your heart, your head, and your groin. Well, maybe not your groin because it’s apparently injured. Just don’t see any other women between now and game-time, and you should fully expect to get slotted into my lineup.
DeMarco Murray Injury Update
I don’t know what to do with you, DeMarco. Are you going to play strong this week? Are you over the hill and ready for retirement? Is this really your real phone number? You say it’s just a tight hamstring, so I suppose I could dial you up late at night for some flex action I’ll surely regret the next day. But, in the meantime, do you have Derrick Henry’s digits?
Andrew Luck Injury Update
What’s it going to take to get you back into my life? Sure, we had a good thing going years ago. Still, you can’t seem to take my hints that there’s grass on the field, so let’s play ball! I’ve done everything I can, so you’re dunzo. I’m dropping you out of my life forever. Please call me so I can break up with you.
Randall Cobb Injury Update
Your MRI came out negative, but your status is still up in the air? Yet another dumb chapter in our “will they – won’t they” saga. Well, guess what? We won’t. You say you’re fine, but this cold shoulder nonsense happens every season, even if you are just icing a bruised clavicle. I’m done with you for the season. You can go and hurt some other owner for a change. I thought you could be a good fantasy player underneath it all, you just needed someone to love you. I even went to your game and sat in the front row, holding a sign I made with a love poem to you:
Red zones are red
Games last four quarters
I’m pregnant with your child
But if you choke, I’ll abort her
What did that get me? 60 yards and no scores. Dunzo.