It’s the week 16 injury report, and it’s about time they got an expert like me. I’ve done stuff.
Week 16 Injury Report
Devantae Adams
Devantae Adams left the Carolina game with a concussion. This is his second concussion of the year, which has people worried the Packers will err on the side of caution. However, I know better: I once got two concussions in one day loading a 60-inch television onto the top of my 1987 Ford Taurus, and I still got away before the cops came. Start him with confidence
Leonard Fournette
It’s hard for a spectator to assess the progress of a quad injury, as any stress could re-aggravate the injured tissue. For instance, I once got kicked in the thigh while using a tattoo-removal gun to take the branding off of a horse. For the next month, every time I tried to stand up, I would fall violently to the floor and spill my drink. However, it’s impossible to spill a football, so start him with confidence.
Keenan Allen
Allen was carted off the field with a kidney injury. I once received a kidney from a man who falsely believed he was my son. I was up and out of the hospital window within a few days. Start him with confidence.
Joe Mixon
Joe Mixon finally cleared the concussion protocol. I sustained a concussion one time, outside a bar, when I was punched by a man who looked mysteriously like Joe Mixon (except he was white and also female). The very next night I was back at the bar with a brand new basket of combs. Start him with confidence
Doug Martin
Doug Martin’s injury is one of the mind. I once knew a man with mental illness, and some allergy medication cleared that right up. Start him with confidence.
For more articles like the week 16 injury report, click on these:
Week 15 Injury Report by Mike Davis’ Mom
Week 14 Injury Report by a Guy Who Broke the Letter `e’ on His Keyboard
