NFL Week 12 Injury Report, by Your Older Brother

What’s this- the week 12 injury report? Wow, I can’t believe you’re still playing fantasy football. What a loser! This is why you never have any girlfriends, except for that stupid wife of yours. Let’s take a look at these prissy week 12 injury report babies:

Week 12 Injury Report

Robert Woods

week 12 injury report
I bet I could crush him at my best sport: DOTA 2

Ohhhh, Boo Hoo hoo! I’m Robert Woods and baby has an owie! I can’t believe they’re letting this guy slack off for two weeks just because his arm is in a sling. In the Army, they wouldn’t treat you so soft. One time in the army, I sprained my shoulder moving my PC to a LAN party, and they still made me go to work scrubbing the bathrooms, that night. Did I mention that I was in the Army? Almost made it all the way through basic training too. That shows guts!


Jay Cutler

week 12 injury report?
How could you name a team, “The Dolphins?” Want to know some good names? “The Black Knights” or “The 30-Year-Old Wizards”

Jay Cute-ler? What a girly name, no wonder this guy is day-to-day with a concussion. That reminds me of when we were young: I used to drag you into the bathroom, push your head in the toilet, then slam the toilet seat down as hard as I could and sit on it. You were a wuss then, and you’re a wuss now. That’s why mom won’t let me move into your old room, she’s afraid I’ll catch wuss-itis. Also because I can’t fit through the door thanks to all my muscle.


Kelvin Benjamin

week 12 injury report
This guy really loves his grandpas, I guess. Pervert. Call me when you have photos of the hot kind of incest.

I know a thing or two about bone bruises: The guys on Overwatch tell me I should’ve been a field medic. And I would have, if I weren’t allergic to the smell of gunpowder. I just rolled out with my old high school buddies, you remember the cool kids from when you were a dork-o freshman? We were kicking in some old guy’s mailbox and I missed, landing a bone bruise on my shin. All the girls said it was manly, and there were a lot of girls with us, kicking in mailboxes. Anyway, the issue with a bone bruise is that, even if it heals super-human quickly like it did with me, it still takes a while to get back to 100%. I can tell Kelvin Benjamin is built like me, with a lot of pure muscle weight supported by his legs. You should drop this loser.


Jake Elliott

week 12 injury report
Does this guy think he’s a ballerina? More like the Nut-lacker!

Oh, my G.D., a kicker got injured? I am literally L-O-Ling here. Like I literally said LOL, irl! What a dumb stupid baby dumbhead. If this dude can just clear the concussion protocol, which is a test for dummies, he can easily limp out there and kick the eggball through the goal-fork. Geez, this is a stupid game, that’s why I never played it in high school even though the coach sent me all these gifts to try to convince me to join. I knew my body was important, which is why I never mistreat it with vegetables or exercise.


Chris Thompson

week 12 injury report
How many fantasy points do you get for your player bawling like a girl?

Look at this weirdo, needing surgery and going out for season. You know what his life is compared to mine? Charmin. As in the toilet paper. As in S-O-F-T soft. He couldn’t stand even one day of my job’s training. But I made it three days before passing out behind the counter at Gamestop. That’s TWO WHOLE DAYS standing for eight hours a day, and the part of another day. But you wouldn’t know that with your sissy, egghead job finding a cure for AIDS. AIDS is a gay disease, you know that right? I can’t believe you sit around all day thinking about the gays diseasing each other. Gross.

I’ve got to go work on my plans. I’ve got BIG plans, way above your 9-to-5 just over broke pathetic lifestyle. Big plans! If I were to even show you even a tiny part of my plans, you would get injured from shock at how incredible they are. Later, loser! But those plans require borrowing mom’s Prius, so first I have to clean my room.

For more stuff like the week 12 injury report, click these links, but try not to sprain your wrist like the big, dumb baby you are:

The Week 11 Injury Report by Tyrod Taylor’s Bloated Angst

The Biggest Mistakes of the NFL Week 11

Quiz: The Worst Moments in Fantasy Football History

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