Week 13 NFL Injury Report – What’s Brown-and-Yellow-and-Bigoted-All-over?

I’ve been tasked with writing the week 13 NFL injury report, despite the fact that my mere literacy transcends the boundaries of modern science. But I’m not bitter, no ho-ho, in fact I am fully ripe. Here’s your stupid, lame week 13 NFL injury report: 

Kelvin Benjamin

Week 13 NFL injury report
Serves him right for the Buffalo Bills ignoring my letter-writing campaign to change their name to the Banana Bills

Kelvin Benjamin tore his meniscus, which I am told is a rubbery disc that cushions something called the “knee.” I guess that’s too painful to play. I mean, one time I had my skin ripped off and was decapitated by the teeth of a 7-year-old girl, yet I still have to write this week 13 NFL injury report, so I guess that injury wasn’t as painful as a booboo on the “knee.”

To Benjamin’s credit, when I suffered my injury, my coach didn’t walk around telling everyone I was “day-to-day.” Buffalo Bills’ coach Sean McDermott keeps insisting that this is Benjamin’s status. I mean I guess a chopped-up dead guy immersed in Jell-O could also be considered DTD in the sense that tomorrow fairy goblins might reassemble and reanimate him.

Christian McCaffrey

Week 13 NFL injury Report
He likes his balls in bunches, just like me! (I have six testicles)

McCaffrey sat out a practice with a mild shoulder sprain, but should start this weekend. Still, he’s not in any of my fantasy lineups because he’s white. Oh, I know what these PC’s and SJW’s and TR4’s want me to say: That all races are equal and some races don’t really have special, extra bones. But where I’m from, that just ain’t true. I’m talking ’bout the real world, where if a guy is green he ain’t ready for the team. If a guy is brown, put him in the oven. We’re not all white on the inside.

JuJu Smith-Schoo

week 13 nfl injury report
Speaking of brown bananas…

Juju Schoo should be back in the lineup this week, after missing last week with a hamstring injury of ambiguous severity. I can guarantee you he will play, because I’ve seen this before. Did I ever tell you I knew Juju in school-school? We used to call him Schu-Ju back then. Anyway, one time he goes down in a big game after tweaking his hammy. Sitting there on the bench, I got a swell of excitement: Could it be my turn to finally show I had what it took? Sure, I wasn’t actually on the team and I was just a snack the backup center brought, but if coach had just put me in I woulda taken us to state. Instead, coach just leaves SchuSchu Smith-Juuster in. Sure he scored a touchdown on the next play, but I coulda scored it better if I had just had chance, and some appendages.


Ameer Abdullah

Week 13 NFL injury report
THIS is a real neck injury, you wuss

Abdullah missed practice with a neck injury. He might start, he might not. Who cares! Detroit hasn’t had a 100-yard rusher in 1,463 days. You know what I did in that time? I sat around in a pool with some yeast, getting drunk as mush. Don’t judge me, you don’t have to deal with what I do. I have to deal with fungi, and Panama virus, and a bacterial disease called Xanthomonas Campestris pv. musacearum which Wikipedia assures me is a real thing.

Anyway, there’s been no definite ruling on Abdullah’s status, so check back Sunday morning.


Devonta Freeman

week 13 NFL injur report
Did you know that India makes 2.5 times as many bananas as any other nation? These are the facts our children miss when they are busy watching football!

After missing several weeks with a concussion, Devonta Freeman was cleared to play this Sunday. Still, we’ll have to see how much of his workload he’s lost to Tevin Coleman. Atlanta draws a tough card this week against Carolina. Personally, I’m not putting much stock into someone who got hit in the head that hard, you know what they say, “you can’t un-mush a banana.”

Okay, I got to go. They are paying me in insecticide, so I have to find myself a paper bag to inhale- I mean ripen- in.


For more weird articles like the week 13 NFL injury report, use your amazing hands you won’t stop bragging about, and click these links:

NFL Week 12 Injury Report by Your Older Brother

Week 11 Injury Report by Tyrod Taylor’s Bloated Angst

Fantasy Football Week 10 Injury Report: A Tale of Drama and Romance


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