I’ve been tasked with writing the week 13 NFL injury report, despite the fact that my mere literacy transcends the boundaries of modern science. But I’m not bitter, no ho-ho, in fact I am fully ripe. Here’s your stupid, lame week 13 NFL injury report:
Kelvin Benjamin tore his meniscus, which I am told is a rubbery disc that cushions something called the “knee.” I guess that’s too painful to play. I mean, one time I had my skin ripped off and was decapitated by the teeth of a 7-year-old girl, yet I still have to write this week 13 NFL injury report, so I guess that injury wasn’t as painful as a booboo on the “knee.”
To Benjamin’s credit, when I suffered my injury, my coach didn’t walk around telling everyone I was “day-to-day.” Buffalo Bills’ coach Sean McDermott keeps insisting that this is Benjamin’s status. I mean I guess a chopped-up dead guy immersed in Jell-O could also be considered DTD in the sense that tomorrow fairy goblins might reassemble and reanimate him.
McCaffrey sat out a practice with a mild shoulder sprain, but should start this weekend. Still, he’s not in any of my fantasy lineups because he’s white. Oh, I know what these PC’s and SJW’s and TR4’s want me to say: That all races are equal and some races don’t really have special, extra bones. But where I’m from, that just ain’t true. I’m talking ’bout the real world, where if a guy is green he ain’t ready for the team. If a guy is brown, put him in the oven. We’re not all white on the inside.
Juju Schoo should be back in the lineup this week, after missing last week with a hamstring injury of ambiguous severity. I can guarantee you he will play, because I’ve seen this before. Did I ever tell you I knew Juju in school-school? We used to call him Schu-Ju back then. Anyway, one time he goes down in a big game after tweaking his hammy. Sitting there on the bench, I got a swell of excitement: Could it be my turn to finally show I had what it took? Sure, I wasn’t actually on the team and I was just a snack the backup center brought, but if coach had just put me in I woulda taken us to state. Instead, coach just leaves SchuSchu Smith-Juuster in. Sure he scored a touchdown on the next play, but I coulda scored it better if I had just had chance, and some appendages.
Abdullah missed practice with a neck injury. He might start, he might not. Who cares! Detroit hasn’t had a 100-yard rusher in 1,463 days. You know what I did in that time? I sat around in a pool with some yeast, getting drunk as mush. Don’t judge me, you don’t have to deal with what I do. I have to deal with fungi, and Panama virus, and a bacterial disease called Xanthomonas Campestris pv. musacearum which Wikipedia assures me is a real thing.
Anyway, there’s been no definite ruling on Abdullah’s status, so check back Sunday morning.
After missing several weeks with a concussion, Devonta Freeman was cleared to play this Sunday. Still, we’ll have to see how much of his workload he’s lost to Tevin Coleman. Atlanta draws a tough card this week against Carolina. Personally, I’m not putting much stock into someone who got hit in the head that hard, you know what they say, “you can’t un-mush a banana.”
Okay, I got to go. They are paying me in insecticide, so I have to find myself a paper bag to inhale- I mean ripen- in.
For more weird articles like the week 13 NFL injury report, use your amazing hands you won’t stop bragging about, and click these links: