I had planned to open this with some great takes on Cam Newton. “How can people somehow spin this against both black people AND women?” I thought, sitting down to digest literally tens of thousands of hot NFL takes on the issue. Well, I read a few thousand and they all boil down to, “NFL player sexist, but also kneels to support black discrimination. CHECKMATE LIBTARDS!” and none of them are really funny so much as they are sad. Plus, Waleed Ismail skewered Cam in an incisively funny manner, already. So let’s start with some lighthearted news: Jerry Rice is bored and lonely and loves crashing weddings. Haha, certainly this fun revelation will lead to lighthearted comments that don’t try to prey on people’s fears and prejudices and-
Oh, okay. Honestly, this might have been a great attempt at a racist joke except, Jerry Rice wasn’t invited to these weddings. He was just, you know, accepted into an intimate event with open arms because of his celebrity, regardless of skin color. So, since this commenter implies that Jerry Rice appearing as the only black person at a wedding is racist, extrapolating the logic leads to the conclusion that the only not-racist thing for these brides to do would have been to reject Jerry Rice from their wedding because he is black. This is the reality we are currently living in, people, I hope you had the good sense to develop a drug or alcohol problem like I did.
Or, perhaps you did decide to stay sober and take the Godly route. If you did, you no doubt were exposed to the Good News that God has risen and is coaching football in South Carolina.
Now, I must admit, I have played the “they ignored the situation like Israelites ignored the prophets,” but I exclusively say it when my Applebee’s waitress forgets to bring my extra two sides of mayonnaise.
The Hot NFL Takes Own of the Week comes from Yahoo! Fantasy Sports poster “Mark.” Mark begins with a trio of fantasy football questions.
Then, no doubt after a sweaty night spent staying up late poring over rosters and binge drinking grain alcohol, Mark decides to make a new account, call himself “Michael,” but keeping the identical out-of-focus avatar, and continue to ask complicated questions:
The reason why I’m confident in saying that this was a clear self-own, and not a supreme coincidence, is because there are only about 25 other comments on this article.
Things are looking great for long-suffering Jets fans. They’ve endured years of disappointments, a preseason fraught with predictions that they would go 0-16, and even some claiming they were intentionally tanking to get a high pick in next year’s draft. Now, this plucky team is sitting at 2-2, and just needs a victory against winless Cleveland to be above .500 for the first time since 2015. There’s plenty to smile about unless you are a Jets fan who apparently has crippling depression, like this guy:
You heard it here: Fire the coach and GM for having the nerve to win games. Also the Jets’ winning is a media conspiracy, so the Giants can get whatever mediocre college QB impresses combine scouts the most. Also, unironic excellent meme callback with the use of the word “morans.”
But, hey, at least he has the sense to complain about the future of his team. As opposed to this guy, who is complaining about a present that does not actually exist.
For some reason George Freedom (I hope his parents gave him an ironic middle name, like “Sexual”) thinks that Clowney is all hype. That might be the most of the Hot NFL Takes. He thinks that THIS GUY is all hype:
He also uses the hashtag “#terrible,” which wisely makes his Tweet accessible by fans of the following #terrible Tweets:
I think I’ve found a go-to repository for future terrible hot NFL takes. So some good came out of this unbelievably messy nonsense that is collectively known as “other people’s opinions.”