Welcome to Hot Butts, where I detail who might get fired to our loyal readers (and a few confused people who stumbled in here searching for porn). After week 4 of the 2017 NFL season, these headset-wearing sports figures have…
Signing Mike Glennon, letting Alshon Jeffrey go, losing again and again… It’s becoming obvious that the only reason Fox isn’t starting Mitch Trubisky is so he can say, “oh, don’t fire me yet, I haven’t started Trubisky. That’ll turn things around.” Like, whenever a girlfriend wanted to dump me, I’d say, “but wait, you haven’t seen the family jewels, yet. That’ll turn things around.” I then took them to the Tower of London and showed them the crown jewels in a desperate attempt to convince them I was a part of Britain’s royal family.
Not a huge leap of logic. They fired Mike McCoy at the end of last season, then put in Lynn who has shown he might be even better than McCoy at orchestrating heartbreaking losses. Lynn joined the Bolts after spending 2016 as the running backs coach for the Buffalo Bills, prompting Chargers GM Tom Telesco to state, “Our fans are going to be very excited with Anthony Lynn taking the reins here with the Chargers.” As it turns out, Chargers fans were too busy getting enraged at the team abandoning them in San Diego to really focus on being excited.
When I think “hot butts,” I think about creepy-looking dudes with pedo ‘staches. More specifically, the one poorly-mustachioed individual known as Ben McAdoo, coach of the NFC East’s New York Giants. McAdoo managed to lose only 5 games all last year, a feat he will match if his team loses week 5. People in New York get notoriously impatient with any coach that doesn’t win two Super Bowls his first year, so I’d bet the graciousness allowed by his 2016 playoff appearance has worn out.
I don’t care if you literally pulled every citizen of Cleveland out of a fire before becoming head coach, a 1-19 regular season record ain’t going to save you. That’s the story for Hue Jackson: One win in his first twenty games as coach of the oft-maligned Cleveland Browns. The main point of Hot Butts is to point a finger at seemingly-untouchables and say “you’re fired!” (the second point being to create easy setups for Trump jokes). Their next four matches leading into the bye week are against the Jets, Texans, Titans, and Vikings. If Hue cant pull off a win in any of those games, expect him to not be back after a bye. Seriously, if they beat the Jets it will be considered an upset, that’s how bad Cleveland is.