Welcome back to The Degenerates Gambit! Once again, please remember that these articles are for fun, and while I love writing them and gambling on football, if you or someone you know is addicted and needs help, please get help or get help for them. The national helpline number is 1-800-522-4700.
Well well well, if it isn’t the consequences of listening to a ghost for gambling purposes. Fuck you, Claudius! That old sack of ectoplasm did terrible last week, and as soon as I got back from Denmark the voices went away. My girlfriend had to replace the carbon monoxide detectors in our place while I was gone, so I’m gonna go ahead and blame taking the Miami/Detroit under on those sweet sweet fumes.
I’m back to under .500 on the year, so to best help me win this week AND get some relevant references in, I’ve invited some guest consultants to sit behind me in my work office and “tip” me if I stray too far: the entire roster of the 2017 Houston Astros!
As both a degenerate and classy gentleman, I owe it to the latter to do better at being the former; and since I refuse to do things the honest way- *trash can bangs loudly in the background* I hit the books hard this week trying to get an advantage. I mean, all of them. Gatsby, Fahrenheit +7.5, I read literally every book that’s ever been written this week to get ready for WEEK 9 ACTION (air horns).
Instead of a game to start us off, I’m going to revisit our Sleeper Over/Under Parlays with a little 3 legger:
Zach Wilson: UNDER 211.5 Passing Yards
Sam Ehlinger: UNDER 202.5 Passing Yards
Justin Fields: OVER 48.5 Rushing Yards
Miami (-5) over Chicago
I, like all the loudest parts of the Football Absurdity community, am a Bears fan: this means I’m both keenly aware of how this new era of Justin Fields was pretty obvious to anyone who watched the games, and even more aware of how much of a dumpster fire this defense is. The line is 45.5, and that’s an over I don’t mind, but I think Miami takes this one by more than a touchdown. My camera guy behind home plate agrees, judging by the blinking lights. Expect the Bears to put up a fight, but very few offenses are clicking like Miami’s, and if Tua is half the QB Bailey Zappe is, the deep ball will be there for the Dolphins.
Minnesota (-3.5) over Washington
I was shocked this two-seam fastball was so low and away
*trash can bangs loudly in the background*
Sorry. I was shocked this line was so low, being that Minnesota has a competent offense that can score in a number of different ways, while Washington’s offense can be stopped if the defense places all 11 men directly in front of Terry McLaurin. Brian Robinson has cooled off significantly, Taylor Heinicke continues to be Taylor Heinicke, and the defense without Chase Young is so mid I’m calling the dispensary and trying to get store credit. Washington gives us 30.8 HPPR fantasy points per game to opposing WRs, so this week screams “huge Justin Jefferson game.” Jose Altuve told me so, and even though he claims he’s not wearing a wire, I believe him.
Baltimore (-2.5) over New Orleans
Every few years, we get a QB matchup that defines a generation: Lamar Jackson vs Andy Dalton is right up there with Mahomes/Allen in last year’s playoffs. In all honesty, though, I can’t think of two QBs with such opposite skill sets. The red rifle vs the, uh, um… hey Josh, Josh Reddick? Can you give me a good nickname for Lamar Jackson? No? God, you suck.
ANYWAYS, New Orleans is coming off a convincing stomping of the Raiders, which I think may inflate this line a little bit, but Lamar Jackson was on AEW last night and was threatened on screen by a septuagenarian Chris Jericho. I think Mark Andrews or not, Lamar goes off this week to get his MVP campaign back on track, and at the very least to keep rumors of him retiring from football to become a pro wrestler at bay for another week. This is a game where I win no matter what: if they cover I look smart, and if they don’t, the market for my Lamar Jackson: Luchador fanfic goes to the moon!
LSPOTW: Detroit ML (+162)
Queue up the Carrie Underwood, because I’ve been waiting my entire adult life for the fall of the Green Bay Packers. Honestly, I thought Aaron would retire before the incompetence caught up to him, but the end came quicker than that fastball that’s going to be up and inside
*flashing light blinks three times*
What was I saying? I’m sorry. Anyways, fuck the Packers. I think we’ve been seeing the death knell of the Aaron Rodgers era these last few weeks, and while the Packers are indeed the far superior team, Jared Goff at home will put up too many points for Green Bay’s offense to keep it close.