Top 5 Games Like Fantasy Football (But Better)

Games Like Fantasy Football

I’ve been receiving a lot of Hallmark sympathy cards in the mail, offering condolences on the death of my fantasy football teams. Don’t feel sympathy for me! I feel sympathy for you! Wasting your weekend obsessing about “numbers” and “being successful.” Meanwhile, I’ve been using my newfound free time to invent awesome activity after awesome activity! I bet no none will play fantasy football next year because they’re all joining in the newfound phenomenon of one of these games, which are kind of like fantasy football, but better!

Games Like Fantasy Football 1: Cat Offensive

This is a fun armchair game like fantasy football. The rules are simple: I shoot my sleeping cat with harmless Nerf darts until she gets up and moves like three inches. The goal is to hit her enough times that she leaves the room, thus protecting all of my imaginary citizens from cat-astrophe (I’m trademarking this word, by the way). Plus, you randomly get a BONUS ROUND where the cat jumps on you and tries to claw your eyes out. It’s INTENSE, and intense always means FUN!

She loves it!


Games Like Fantasy Football 2: Absolute Smokeout

This has been a lighthearted way to pass the late night hours I used to spend obsessing over player A or player B. The goal is simple: Smoke a lot of cigarettes and drink a lot of hard alcohol. If I drink so much I pass out before I run out of cigarettes, I win! Best part: No matter what, I get a good night’s sleep, free from the binds of fantasy football-induced depression.

My favorite pairing is a smooth, 16-year-aged Lagavulin
and a handful of butts from a dive bar’s ashtray


Games Like Fantasy Football 3: Fantasy Family

Each morning, I “draft” one of the three other members of my family: My wife and two kids. That person is now my “fantasy favorite” who I think will perform the best throughout the day. I make it no secret whom I’ve drafted, often openly cheering for them as they do tasks such as put away the dishes, pick up their toys, and not pick their nose.

Great job not screwing everything up, honey!
That scores a lot of imaginary points with me, I’m NOT being sarcastic!


Games Like Fantasy Football 4: Magical Mystery Marker

I blindfold myself, which is in itself a fun game that’s way better than stupid fantasy football. I then attempt to identify the color of a magic marker from its smell. When I’ve correctly identified 5 markers by scent, I use them to draw a groovy picture. This was the one I drew today:

It smells great!


Games Like Fantasy Football 5: Medicine Cabinet Safety Inspection

Routinely going through your medicine cabinet to empty out any expired containers is just good practice, so why not make it fun? If we are cleaning out our fridge and we find a milk container that’s close to expiration, or maybe a few days past the date, what do we do? We sniff it, and maybe take a small taste to see if it really is expired. Same deal with all my cold medicines (and, sometimes, cleaning supplies). After about half an hour of this game, I start hearing robot voices, and I soon drift off knowing I’ve done my part to increase household safety!

It’s like a buffet!

So, there you have it: 5 Games that are better than fantasy football which I just came up with, today! Join me in freeing yourselves from the shackles of fantasy sports and living a much more enriching life. Or huffing magic markers, it’s all about freeing yourself, really.

For more Evan Hoovler weirdness, check out these:

Hot Takes from Crazy People: Horrible Comments from NFL Articles

Fantasy Football Team Names: Bob Marley Edition

What NFL Team is Your Personality Type? Take this Simple Quiz to Find out!

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[Photo Credits:, under]