The San Francisco 49ers broke the cardinal rule of smart NFL decision-making, which is, “do not trade with the New England Patriots.” They swapped the likely #33 or #34 pick in the upcoming 2018 draft for Patriots’ backup Jimmy Garoppolo. Garoppolo was recently rumored to be shopped for 15 first rounders, a 51% share in the team he went to, the GM’s first-born son and a lifetime supply of hoodies (with a hoodie flunky to cut off the sleeves). They ultimately sold him for the 0-8 San Francisco 49ers’ second round pick this year, one unlikely to escape the top 35. What, then, of Kirk Cousins? The 49ers and Cousins were more closely intertwined than Habsburgs and their cousins in the upcoming free agency rumors. The potentially free agent signal caller to be still has some suitors out there, and we’ll run down the top five below.
The Dark Horse – The Minnesota Vikings
Sam Bradford, Case Keenum and Teddy Bridgewater make for a big mess of a quarterback room in 2017, but in 2018, they’re all gone faster than Teddy Bridgewater before 2016. They’re all free agents after this year, and the Vikings could cast them all aside. The only thing that saves us from this grim future is Teddy Bridgewater not having a horrible case of the yips. Reminder his knee disconnected from his body while he was moving like a normal person so that may not be out of the picture.
The Insane Scenario – The New York Giants
This is maximum chaos and is a Rube Goldberg-esque series of events. First, Eli, not wanting to go out like his brother and seeing himself already a diminished version of his (albeit limited) self, retires. This clears up tons of obligations for the Giants. Second, malcontent Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie is cut and old and busted wide receiver Brandon Marshall retires. This leaves the Giants with $41,857,878 in cap space. That’s plenty to absorb a Kirk Cousins contract. This is a double whammy insanity because the Giants kneecap a division foe. It’ll also set the offense up for years to come with Cousins, OBJ, Shep
The Dumb Choice – The San Francisco 49ers
Jimmy Garoppolo spends the next eight games getting his block knocked off, or worse off, gets hurt. The 49ers can’t do a proper evaluation on the kid and don’t feel comfortable franchising him. Garoppolo, with literally no loyalty to a franchise he was with for nine weeks, bounces in free agency. The 49ers trade a second rounder to end up with Kirk Cousins and C.J. Beathard. This sounds like an insane proposition but how is it more insane than how the 49ers have acted so far under John Lynch?
The Immediate Championship Contenders – The Jacksonville Jaguars
Blake Bortles is straight trash, and with a borderline elite defense and Leonard Fournette in tow, it would immediately put the Jags into the conversation with the Chiefs and Patriots as annual contenders. It’s also even crazier than the Giants scenario because it sends Blake Bortles out into the cold to find a suitor. Maybe Washington? Before you say something about Bortles being under contract, stop. The fifth-year option isn’t guaranteed. Be glad you didn’t look dumb by bringing it up.
The Stupid Chalk Option That Will Probably Happen – The Washington Redskins
Of course this happens because we aren’t allowed to have anything cool and fun and good and interesting. Dan Snyder will give Kirk Cousins $30 million a year and will continue to have a trash racist mascot for no good reason or will franchise him in perpetuity.