NFL Power Rankings, Week Nine – The Rankings of Brotherly Love

Here are the Week NINE(!) definitive power rankings for the NFL. Don’t bother with any of these other guys. Only these rankings are 100% correct, accurate, triple sourced, locally grown, non-GMO and completely 100% organic. And don’t come to me with, “oh team x beat team y, why are they higher?” or “team z lost this week why did they move up the ranks?” This isn’t about wins, this isn’t about losses, this isn’t any sort of logical, thought-out process. It’s a little something I like to call the gut. Maybe you’ve heard of it?

Rank Last Week Team Thoughts
1 1 Philadelphia Eagles They held the Niners to fewer points this week than either team in the World Series game Sunday. And they just got Jay Ajayi
2 3 Kansas City Chiefs WHO IS THIS QUARTERBACK IN THE ALEX SMITH JERSEY?!
3 2 New England Patriots The defense we all thought was gonna stink is #ActuallyGood
4 4 Los Angeles Rams I was working late on my Haftorah, when I heard a knock on my bedroom-doorah (BYE)
5 5 Seattle Seahawks Russell Wilson is a magician, and they got Duane Brown to make his magic go further.
6 14 Jacksonville Jaguars I opened it up and to my surprise, there was a werewolf standing there with glowing gold eyes (BYE)
7 9 Buffalo Bills Crushed the Raiders dreams harder than their fans crush folding tables in the parking lot
8 8 Pittsburgh Steelers It took a 97-yard JuJu Smith-Schuster touchdown to beat a Lions team that was in the red zone five times and came away with five field goals. Woof.
9 12 Houston Texans In 1997, IBM’s Watson beat Garry Kasparov, in 2011, it won Jeopardy! In 2017 Deshaun Watson beat the Legion of Boom (but not the Seahawks)
10 7 Dallas Cowboys Zeke’s suspension is the Michael Scott vasectomy of suspensions.
11 10 Atlanta Falcons The offense is still so messy and would have lost to more than a handful of teams Sunday.
12 11 Carolina Panthers Christian McCaffrey has been terrible as a runner, Cam has been terrible as a passer.
13 13 Washington Redskins oh wow jordan reed is hurt again this is me being shocked me being surprised oh wow no way
14 6 Detroit Lions Starting at offensive line for your Detroit Lions: A traffic cone, a beaded curtain, a turnstile, Stephen Hawking and an Argonaut who looked Medusa in the eyes.
15 20 New Orleans Saints Their defense is way better than we thought. Oh when the Saints, go up to ten. Oh when the Saints go up to ten.
16 17 Minnesota Vikings Losing Dalvin Cook was a mere hiccup, but they suddenly have a super-crowded QB room.
17 16 Tampa Bay Buccaneers Jameis is hurt and is going to crush this team. The picture of middle of the pack.
18 19 Cincinnati Bengals You almost lost to Jake Brisket.
19 21 Tennessee Titans He says tomorrow my son you will be a man, but tonights the time to join the wolfen clan (BYE)
20 18 Oakland Raiders Maybe David would be an upgrade?
21 22 Los Angeles Chargers No shame losing to the Pats. Much shame for going away from Melvin Gordon carrying the ball.
22 15 Denver Broncos Trevor Siemian isn’t long for this team. Time for Colin Kaepernick to fulfill his destiny.
23 23 New York Jets The cracks are starting to form. Why don’t they make the whole team out of the black box?
24 29 Baltimore Ravens How much of that butt whooping was them and how much was the spiraling Dolphins?
25 24 Chicago Bears The defense is good. The offense is bad. Zach Miller is lucky he can walk.
26 25 Green Bay Packers Werewolf bar mitzvah spooky scary (BYE)
27 26 Arizona Cardinals Boys becoming men (BYE)
28 28 New York Giants Men becoming wolves (BYE)
29 31 San Francisco 49ers THEY HAVE A QUARTERBACK. OH MY GOD THEY DID IT THE MADMEN.
30 30 Indianapolis Colts Took the Bengals to the brink, they still stink, and Luck’s shoulder’s become rinky-dink.
31 27 Miami Dolphins Man you guys stink. Welcome to the depths. So much hype and hyperbole for ziparoonie. And they just traded Ajayi and will trade Landry.
32 32 Cleveland Browns Fun fact, in England, they call the Cleveland Browns the Trollybagger Dollywops. Crazy but true. Hard to see them dropping from last in the power rankings.

 

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