First of all, I take the allegations that I was doing lines of Dolphins cocaine (which is way better than regular cocaine) very seriously. So seriously, that I haven’t slept since several days before said allegations occurred. Not to mention I am a world-respected leader who has been retweeted on all seven continents and possibly to aliens. So, I have taken it upon myself to create a 14-step process to get us out of this PR mess, as well as to end war, world poverty, and hunger.
- Apology. I “apologize” for resembling the man in this video. Mind you, I am not saying I am the guy in the video, just that he looks like he is badly in need of a mirror-covered desk and I often look that way, as well. I “apologize” for reacting as anyone would under the stress of coaching an offensive line that can’t even make holes for one of the league’s most versatile running backs. I “apologize” that, if you search for “Dolphins cocaine” the top hit is no longer the behind-the-scenes exposé of the TV show Flipper
- Appoint a global, possibly intergalactic, council of leaders, to be run by me. The Dolphins showing their trust in me to do this shall serve as proof that I am just naturally thinking at 10x the speed of a normal person. Issue resolved.
- Invent a portable tent I can wear at all times. For decades, I’ve been complaining that the government has cameras watching my every move. Finally, I was proven right when that video surfaced although, to be clear, I’m not saying that it’s me in the video. Think about it: Wouldn’t the government have access to the most powerful video editing software?
- Confiscate all of the guns in the world and melt them down. Use this to build a skyscraper made entirely out of ATM machines in downtown South Beach
- All of the world’s poor people come to Miami, where the ATM machines randomly shoot out values anywhere from $500-$5,000,000 dollars. This kind of wealth distribution should cure all economic ills and, through a roundabout process too complicated for me to describe, A.I.D.S.
- Use the remaining melted metal to build a bullet train that can go 10,000 m.p.h. It will be shaped like a silver horse and have a bitchin’ naked chick airbrushed on the side. I will utilize this train to reach anywhere in the world in a matter of seconds
- When you think about it, ending poverty should end hunger too. After all, all those Africans are starving because they don’t have money to go to the market and buy vulture burgers, or whatever those people eat. Two birds, one stone.
- Note: Move #7 so it comes right after #5, as soon as I find some paper that isn’t all warped from being rolled up tightly
- Make everyone watch Robocop
- While I am head of the intergalactic council, I will temporarily leave my coaching duties. From now on, the only offensive lines I will be dealing with will come from a misrepresented bag of Bisquick
- Dig up the pyramids. I have a theory that the pyramids are really the heads of enormous spaceships which crashed millions of years ago. Think about it: All of that crazy stuff in the Bible, like the talking serpent and the beast of revelations and Jesus coming back to life and Noah having dolphins cocaine binges… it can all be explained by aliens
- Once we have definitively proven the Bible to be true by digging up the spaceships in Egypt, we can proceed. Unfortunately, in my copy, most pages of the Book of Exodus have been torn out for uh… research. So I will need to get a new Bible.
- Airbrush a bitchin’ naked chick on the cover of my new Bible
- Settle things with all the anthem kneelers by giving them a Coke. I saw it in a commercial once, so it might work, and it only costs a can of Coke so why not?
- Did you know that Coke used to have actual cocaine in it? This callback is further evidence of my theory that everything is related to everything else and thus we can predict the future by cracking a code, probably contained in my Bible.
- For World peace, just send me to talk to every World leader. A whirlwind tour: 136 countries in a matter of days, stopping only to fly into the port of Miami to re-up on supplies. If you just put people in a room with me, they will be overwhelmed by my charm and mastery of negotiative skills.
- After doing all this, I take a vacation. Don’t ask where I am going or when I will be back, just be sure to have a giant statue of me ready upon my return. You can make it by melting down all the ATM machines.
I’m out, I’m going to go do shirtless pushups in freezing weather. Hit me up when you want to save the world and stop focusing on this Dolphins cocaine nonsense. Take it sleazy.