Week 6 in the NFL sees the Dallas Cowboys in freefall, having lost 3 straight games with a listless offense and banged-up defense. In our last preseason podcast, I picked the Cowboys to win the whole Super Bowl. I’m not giving up, no, because I can see multiple paths for the Cowboys to get back on their horses and charge deep into the postseason:
Dallas Cowboys Super Bowl Key #1:
Massive Amounts of High-Grade Amphetamines
Players perform better on illegal drugs: That’s why they’re illegal. So the Cowboys could reap a huge advantage by having everyone on their team on some sort of high-grade uppers. Think about how exhausted defenses would be if the Cowboys QB just snaps the ball after 1 second, running like hundreds of plays per game. They don’t even need to worry about getting busted: Just get the replacement player hopped up and turn them loose. It’s foolproof!
Dallas Cowboys Super Bowl Key #2:
Use the Crowd to Distract Opposing Offenses
The Cowboys’ defense doesn’t look like it did last year, and could use some help. Every sports fan knows the value of audience noise in thwarting enemy drives, so why not take it one step further. Carson Wentz goes back to throw, looks at his receiver down the sidelines, and in the background a fan explodes into a burst of pink and crimson. That’s gonna be hard to ignore. I’m not saying we should actually blow someone up, just get the pyrotechnics team to stage an illusion.
Or picture Washington’s kicker getting ready for a field goal. He glances between the goalposts and sees a portly fan projectile vomit over the five rows below them. I could even fill in and do this job if you supply the beer. This strategy would be unbeatable because you could even do it on the road.
Dallas Cowboys Super Bowl Key #3:
Get More Offensive
No, I don’t mean play better. I mean make sure the players smell so bad that the other team retches when they try to tackle them. The NFL rulebook has no regulations for player odor. Like an ice bath at the end of the game, the Cowboys should open up the AT&T Stadium septic tanks and bathe all of the players in it pre-game. Make the other team feel like they are running up against a giant pile of rotting trash favorited by all the dogs in the neighborhood, aromatically.
Dallas Cowboys Super Bowl Key #4:
Extra-Long Cleats
The only thing the NFL rulebook says about cleats is “Shoe cleats made of aluminum or other material that may chip, fracture, or develop a cutting edge. Conical cleats with concave sides or points which measure less than 3/8-inch in diameter at the tips, or cleats with oblong ends which measure less than 1/4 by 3/4-inch at the end tips are also prohibited. Nylon cleats with flat steel tips are permitted.”
So there aren’t regulations on how long the cleats can get. Hear me out on this: insert a special, retractable three-foot-long cleat on each receiver’s shoe. Leaping catch in the back of the end zone going to land out of bounds? Just tap out the long cleat to reach the ground and get those feet technically in bounds.
Dallas Cowboys Super Bowl Key #5:
Resonance Frequency
You know how opera singers can break glass with their high notes? Figure out what note breaks plastic. Then record a song that has that note. When the opposing offense takes the field, play that song, shattering their helmets. Sure, it will shatter your helmets too, but you’ve prepared with a hundred extra helmets, whereas the other team has zero.
Alright, Cowboys, it’s time to get innovative. I hope at least one of these 5 strategies for getting the Dallas Cowboys to the Super Bowl is the key to your championship season.
For more lists, check out Does Ben Roethlisberger Need Surgery – I Say No and I Have 5 Reasons Why
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