My dad died six months ago. I remember standing with his corpse, waiting for the paramedics to arrive and pronounce him dead. He had the dumbest look on his face: Jaw hanging open in a way that made him look like he was wondering “duh… what happened?”
So I reached over and tried to close his mouth. I guess rigor mortis had set in, because I couldn’t do it. So I push harder. Just then my mom came in and said, “you aren’t going to be able to close his mouth, I tried.” Well then, now I HAD to prove her wrong. I stood there, legs spread apart, both hands on my deceased father’s jaw, putting all my weight into it for about ten seconds before I realized this was not the best use of my time.
THAT’s how I feel looking at my fantasy football week 2 teams, today. Just staring at a dead, stupid-looking team which I was powerless to change. So what happened in fantasy football week 2 to make everything turn so rotten? Let’s do a post mortem:
What Happened in Fantasy Football Week 2
Chicago at Denver
In my big money league auction, 10 of the other 13 teams had my auction values chart open. As such, there were no deals to be had on any players, especially running backs. I decided to overpay for a cheap RB with a high floor. Since we’re PPR, I “wisely” decided to get Tarik Cohen, as he makes up for lack of carries by getting like 5-10 passing targets per game.
Sure enough, he got 7 targets in this game… for two catches… and 7 yards. How do you miss 72% of your throws to a guy who’s usually like 4 yards away and unguarded? How, Trubisky? HOW?!
Montgomery had a touchdown, but otherwise nobody on Chicago did anything, which explains why I got Tarik Cohen (and Allen Robinson, sigh) at such a bargain.
Speaking of doing nothing: Royce Freeman and Phillip Lindsay continued to prevent each other from having a decent fantasy game. Their 168 combined yards only saw Freeman barely breaking double digits. Emmanuel Sanders caught 98 yards, a TD, and a 2 point conversion, so start him until he gets injured for literally the 19th time in his career.
Arizona at Baltimore
Kyler Murray continues to get pats on the head for not completely imploding his offense. His 349-0-0 statline generated rave reviews just like Arizona’s 0-1-1 record has optimists over the moon. Grow up, optimists, Arizona needs to win a game, this year, before anyone cares.
David Johnson, a huge fantasy target for my stupid, loser teams, had 15 total yards. He left with an injury, then returned, but it was obvious the main culprit was Kliff Kingsbury’s air-raid offense being based on not utilizing the greatest player on the field. If only I had read the writing on the wall: That a coach with a losing college record would be too inept to change his offense to highlight the crazy skill of DJ. How did this guy get the job anyway, was ownership like, “we need to use David Johnson less so we can never win games?”
Kirk and Fitzgerald had 100 yard receiving games, after I drafted them in none of my leagues because Kirk had a bad preseason and Fitzgerald is the only player to appear in all 100 NFL seasons.
Mark Andrews had a whopping 112 receiving yards with a score. This rewarded, I don’t know, homers from Baltimore I guess because I wasn’t interested in picking through the Tight End pile for a lottery ticket, this week. Hollywood Brown had a decent 86-yard game on an impressive 13 targets, so that’s something if you had to start him this week because you suck at WR depth (I had to start him this week).
Mark Ingram did nothing (15 touches, 77 yards). Lamar Jackson had 120 yards receiving and might end up the #1 QB at the end of the year. Great for people who took my advice and tried the Cousins-Jackson stack (I did not do that stack on any of my teams, however.)
Everyone else sucked, let’s never talk about this game, again.
Dallas at Washington
If you invested in Dallas, you left this game feeling pretty happy. Dak had a great passing line (269-3-1) and added 69 rushing yards. Elliott broke 100 rushing yards and had a touchdown.
None of their passing game flipped out, but nothing to complain about: Cooper caught a touchdown, even though he only had five freaking targets. Some guy named “Devin Smith” had 74 yards and a score on three looks, so go ahead and pick him up if you are a big fan of disappointment.
Is anyone starting Washington players anymore? Keenum had 221 yards and 2 scores, big whoop. Peterson rose to the starting challenge with a paltry 10 carries, showing just how little Shanahan thinks of him. McLaurin rewarded savvy waiver players (read: not me) by catching 5 balls for 62 and a touchdown. Everyone else did meh at best, I feel weird even writing a fantasy summary about Washington. Stop playing those guys. Yes, I said that aloud, in front of a mirror.
Indianapolis at Tennessee
“Stream the Titans Defense,” we said. “They finished second last week, and Indianapolis has to crumble.” So Jacoby Brisset took the field, stared directly at me (watching from home) and threw three touchdown passes. THREE!
You’d think I’d be happy, having some shares of the Colts’ receiving game. NOPE! Nobody topped 43 yards, and Hilton needed a touchdown to barely break 10 points. Marlon Mack (62 total yards on 22 touches) fell back to Earth harder than the kite I tried to use to send a message in a bottle that time I was lost in the desert.
On Tennessee, literally nobody did anything except Derrick Henry, who proved he was faking a foot injury in the preseason just to mess with me, specifically, and had 83 yards and a score. GREAT PRANK HENRY, GOOD JOB NFL FINDING A CREATIVE WAY TO GANG STALK ME.
Seattle at Pittsburgh
Russell Wilson had 300 yards and three touchdowns, benefiting exactly NONE of my TWENTY-SIX fantasy football teams. Rashad Penny actually decided he felt like playing football by scoring and getting 6.2 yards per carry. Meanwhile my heavily-played Chris Carson had a ho-hum 87 yards and ZERO touchdowns. Thanks for finally caring about your career, Penny, great timing.
Lockett caught 10 balls for 79 yards, so of course the only league I have him in doesn’t give points for PPR. People are going to rush to the wire to pick up DK “I can only run in a straight line” Metcalf who caught 61 yards and a touchdown, but keep in mind he caught less than half his targets, so don’t believe.
Will Dissly had 5 catches for two touchdowns, and should be the next big thing in tight ends… until I pick him up at which point he will turn to dust so I’ll keep you posted as to when I do that.
Roethlisberger got injured, which paved the way for his team to actually throw a receiving touchdown. No rusher had more than 33 yards because James Conner got injured.
Football Absurdity has been notoriously low on Vance McDonald. However, I told people they should probably start him, this week, as my Big Money League opponent was starting him against me. Sure enough, 2 touchdowns. At least one predictable element in fantasy football is my unending suffering.
Buffalo at New York
Josh Allen had a touchdown rushing and a touchdown passing, for a respectable 22 fantasy points (in standard scoring). Cool, great job to the (what felt like) dozens of fantasy players facing me who started him. Devin Singletary, my pick for rookie of the year, rumbled for an extremely exciting touchdown, then got an extremely exciting injury because this is always a minus-sum game. If he’s out for a few weeks, Frank Gore is a decent replacement, provided scientists don’t discover he was born before humans emerged from the sea, thus ruling him ineligible to play homo sapien football. Gore had a touchdown but a less-than-four-yards-per-carry average, so don’t go nuts.
Everyone else was mediocre. Cole Beasley had 83 yards… Don’t pick him up, he is as likely to experience a Renaissance at this point as the 14th Century Catholic church. John Brown had a “respectable” 7 catches for 72 yards, where “respectable” means “barely kept me from throwing my television into the wall.”
On the Giants side, only Saquon Barkley (107 rushing yards, one score) had a decent fantasy game. This includes Evan Engram, who had 6 catches for a paltry 48 yards. Eh, I guess that’s good considering the Fallout-esque tight end situation, so don’t get too worried.
San Francisco at Cincinnati
The 49ers did what Seattle couldn’t, which is expose the Bengals for the fraudulent organization they really are. Garoppolo’s near-300-yard, three touchdown, one interception statline is deceptive: The guy looked lost on a lot of early passes in the game.
Fellow Football Absurdity analyst Mike Valverde (aka RFLRedZone) raised ire on our podcast by having the monocle-popping gall to suggest starting 4th string RB Raheem Mostert over super-stud David Johnson. We heartily rebuked him, which made the universe cause Mostert to go for 151 yards and a touchdown. That’s how it works.
Breida was also passable as an emergency flex, picking up 121 rushing yards. Great job, everyone who started Breida (not me)! Deebo Samuel had a 5-87-1 receiving line. Marquis Goodwin continues to befuddle owners as to whether he should be started: He had 77 yards and a touchdown, but still got only three targets just like he did in last week’s 7 yard whiff. Yeah, I own Goodwin in my Big Money League. Yeah, I get to sit there all next week scratching my head until I hit brains.
Despite looking horrible on offense, the Bengals produced 3 solid fantasy lines, none of which helped any of my teams. Andy Dalton cleared 300 passing yards with two touchdowns and a pick, and Boyd & Ross each had over 110 receiving yards. Meanwhile, Joe Mixon, my second round pick in a league, had 11 rushes for 17 yards. Cincinnati as a team had 25 total rushing yards, so abandon ship like a rat running out of an Applebee’s kitchen.
Los Angeles Chargers at Detroit
Austin Ekeler cleared 130 yards with a score. Keenan Allen missed almost 50% of his targets but had 98 receiving yards. Mike Williams had 3 catches for 83 yards. There, now you’re caught up on the extremely polarized Los Angeles Chargers’ fantasy game.
On the opposite side of the ball, the incompetent Lions coaching staff finally figured out they need to lean heavily on Kenny Golladay and Kerryon Johnson. Golladay had 117 yards and a score, Johnson had 88 yards and a score.
Not a bad set of fantasy scores considering this impotent game ended 13-10. Marvin Jones caught 5 balls for 43 yards and is only a bye week flex consideration.
Minnesota at Green Bay
As mentioned earlier, fantasy followers, I advised podcast listeners to stack Kirk Cousins with Lamar Jackson. The theory was that they have very complimentary schedules in terms of soft defenses. In reality, Cousins is horrible in fantasy and Jackson might lead the league. I’ll consider that a win in this heckscape that is fantasy football 2019.
Dalvin Cook continued to prove he deserved a high draft spot (until he gets injured) with 191 total yards and a score. Stephon Diggs disappointed with 49 receiving yards, but pleased by catching a touchdown. The Vikings pleased by throwing 32 passes instead of the 10 they threw last week. However, they lost, so don’t assume this course-correction will continue.
Adam Thielen had 5 catches for 75 yards which is just, like, whatever. I don’t know man, let’s just rest on their amazing defense…
The Vikings defense wasn’t good. After owning the Falcons, they let the Packers score 3 touchdowns. Rodgers had 200 yards and 2 touchdowns, clearing 20 points in the lamest way possible. Aaron Jones shut the mouths of people who benched him (me) by claiming 150 yards and a score. For those of you who put a lot of stock in last week’s game where Marquez Valdes-Scantling scored and Geronimo Allison got zero targets (me), this week turned that on it’s ear: Allison got the score while Scantling got 19 receiving yards. Super fun!
Jacksonville at Houston
Are you actually starting guys in this game? Why? Gardner Minshew led the Jags in rushing (56 yards), Leonard Fournette continues to prove he is unexceptional (87 total yards). DJ Chark kept up in the rookie of the year race with 55 yards and a score. Chris Conley proved their is no God by being Jacksonville’s leading receiver.
Houston stank up the fantasy bed. No receiver with more than 40 yards, no receiving touchdowns. Carlos Hyde had 90 yards on 20
touchdowns (I typed touchdowns instead of touches, that’s how much I want Hyde to succeed), so grab him for a bench stash bye week fill-in. DeShaun Watson saved his fantasy day with a rushing touchdown, but still only had about 13 fantasy points. Stop believing in the AFC South. Stop believing in a positive end for humanity.
New Orleans at Los Angeles Rams
My wife is a great cook. Occasionally, she makes potato-based dishes, and overestimates how many potatoes she needs. So she’ll put the extra potatoes in this one cabinet in our kitchen. The problem is, there is nothing else in that cabinet, so we never look there. Then, one day, we’ll say, “why are there flies in our kitchen,” and check the potato cabinet. Did you know potatoes can liquify? That’s what we’ll find: A soggy, rotten, fly infested mess that smells so bad we usually have to clean up the potatoes and our vomit.
I would rather look at and smell that mess for 3 hours than watch this game again. It was bad. It was so bad. If you didn’t see this game, looking at the box score might make you wonder, “what happened in fantasy football week 2?” Well, Drew Brees injured his thumb early and, while it didn’t look too bad, he sat out the rest of the game. THAT was my fantasy highlight, which shows you how bad this game was. I was industry low on Drew Brees, so I had him on zero teams and played against him in my Big Money League. I guess sometimes the cruel lightning bolt of fate that erupts from the raincloud constantly hovering above me misses, and accidentally hits my opponent.
Todd Gurley gave believers (not me) a shimmer of hope with 63 rushing yards and a score. Trade him now: His knees are the equivalent of my fantasy outlook. Cooper Kupp and Brandin Cooks had double digits, proving that every week one of that receiving trio will whiff, in this case Robert Woods (2 catches, 33 yards).
Nobody on the Saints did anything interesting. Michael Thomas had 10 catches for 89 yards, so yay for him, I guess. If Brees’ injury lingers, consider trading everyone before their value jumps off a building (again, like my fantasy team’s outlook).
New England at Miami
“Someone has to catch touchdowns at Miami,” we said all offseason. Turns out, no one has to catch any touchdowns or score any points for the Dolphins, who emerged from two home games having scored 10 total points and giving up 102. Next week they go into Dallas, so it’s not going to get better.
Starting all players for Miami’s opponents is a viable strategy. New England’s defense might lead all “players” in fantasy scoring with 37 insane points. Brady had 2 passing touchdowns and stuck it in the end zone for a score. Antonio Brown silenced all believers that a horrible human being can’t do great in fantasy with 4 catches and a score.
Everyone else on both teams was pretty meh. I guess you can’t just start everyone against the Dolphins: Edelman had 51 yards, James White had 29 yards (but scored), Sony Michel had 85 yards and scored, but if you started him after his 14-yard game last week you are way better at this Patriots backfield shell game than I am.
Chiefs at Raiders
My Oakland Raiders jumped out to a 10-0 lead after the first quarter. Then, I made my fatal mistake: I allowed myself a faint dash of hope. The universe (and Pat Mahomes) responded by causing Kansas City to throw FOUR touchdowns in the second quarter. Hoovler bloodlust satiated, the universe prevented both teams from scoring the rest of the game.
Still, Oakland’s fantasy prospects seem strong. Tyrell Williams caught a score, tight end Darren Waller had 6 catches and remains a great pickup for any waiver wires he is still on. Josh Jacobs was one yard away from having triple digit rushing yards, and I set the record for longest way to describe the number “99.”
Denard Robinson should be fantasy waiver gold, getting 172 receiving yards and 2 scores. Don’t blow all your FAAB on him, though, we thought Mecole Hardman was going to get looks and he only had… well, he had 61 yards and a score so hey, go big on Robinson if you need short-term receiver help. Don’t forget Tyreek is on the mend, though, so Robinson’s fortune won’t last. Speaking of “won’t last” Sammy Watkins came back to Earth with 6 catches for 49 yards. McCoy led the team in rushing, yay! With 23 yards, boo!
Philadelphia at Atlanta
Let’s make this one a list:
Devonta Freeman: Still high bust potential (22 rushing yards, 42 receiving yards)
Julio Jones: Can score touchdowns now (2 scores on 106 yards)
Calvin Ridley: The solid WR2 we had hoped he would be (8-105-1)
Matt Ryan: Crazy inconsistent (3 TDs, 3 INTs)
Austin Hooper: Not an every-week start (4 catches for 34 yards)
My Fantasy Teams: Way too many Hoopers and Freemans, almost no Ridleys and Jones
Carson Wentz: Droppable (231-1-2)
Miles Sanders: Not breaking out, yet, keep him benched (13 touches, 37 yards)
Nelson Agholor: Going to get picked up and started a lot, and make a ton of owners sad when he crumbles (107 yards and a score)
Zach Ertz: Decent TE1, but not going to go insane like last year (7 catches, 72 yards)
Number of times I have considered starting an Eagles player in fantasy, this season: Zero
Well, there it is: An extensive summary of what happened in fantasy football week 2. I hope that, no matter how badly your teams did, you can look at this article and say, “at least I’m not that guy.” I hope my putting on the clown makeup and doing my stupid clown dance cheered you up, jerk! I HOPE FANTASY FOOTBALL IS OUTLAWED BECAUSE IT FUELS ALCOHOLISM.
Just kidding, I know better than to have hope for anything.
For more of the Monday Meltdown, check back each week or read week 1, here
Photo credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/smercury98/2310237995 under https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/