30 Team Parlay: Week 2 NFL Betting Tips

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Week one is done, and I had to make sure it wasn’t some awful, awful dream that I said to take the Dolphins. That team looks like they should be thrown into the trash and relegated to the Arena Football League. If the AFL doesn’t exist anymore, then even better. That means we never have to watch that trash team play again.

In other “kicked in the balls” results, the Browns crashed their hype train into a mountain and we are about a week away from Odell Beckham eating his dead teammates… or however that one movie went.

Week one of the NFL season is usually the most difficult, because you genuinely don’t know what you are going to see. Nobody outside of the chili spaghetti sewage eating town of Cincinnati thought the Bengals would stick with the Seahawks. I suppose we all should have expected two garbage teams like the Lions and Cardinals to end in a tie because neither team had the footballs to try to win the game.

It’s time for week 2 NFL betting tips now, though, and with that lets dive right in to the lines and try to make sense of what we saw.

As always, I preface this article the same way I preface every article. Never gamble more than you can afford to lose. You should go into every betting situation with the hopes of winning, but the knowledge that might not happen. Never over-extend yourself. It is, under absolutely no circumstance, worth going into debt over a bet, regardless of whether or not you believe it’s a sure thing. Gambling can be fun and enjoyable. It can also lose you your home, your car, and your loved ones. All information I give you herein should be taken at face value. All I can do is give you what I believe is the best chance. I’m not made of magic. I do not know if these bets will work in advance. I can only take the information given to me and make my best guess. If you think you are having gambling problems, please seek counseling.

Now Let’s get into some week 2 NFL betting tips!

Week 2 NFL Betting Tips

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+7) at Carolina Panthers

Not to dunk on people who thought that Jameis Winston was good, but dear god. The fact that there wasn’t an easy betting line against Winston last week is the biggest tragedy of the weekend in football. A late line came out on the game, and needless to say, the 49ers covered. Vegas has already reacted by running this Thursday night line up to 7. Here is the issue, though. The Panthers didn’t distinguish themselves last week at all. Christian McCaffrey had a great game, but once again, the lack of any weapons outside of him has made it difficult for Cam Newton to get this team downfield. Winston might suck, but if he doesn’t randomly throw two interceptions for touchdowns again, the Buccaneers will probably put up 24 points. That means the Panthers would have to put up 31 to even get to the spread, let alone beat it. The Panthers only scored 31 or more points four times last year, and only once in their final eight games.

Week 2 NFL betting tip: I hate myself for doing this, but i’ll take the Buccaneers and the points, and may god have mercy on my soul.

Seattle Seahawks (+4) at Pittsburgh Steelers

Uhh…what did I miss here? Yea, the Bengals played well, but the Seahawks walked out with a win. The Steelers were a complete no show act on national television and they are getting an extra point at home. Nothing about what the Steelers did on Sunday night struck me as a team that I feel very confident betting on, unless they are playing some true dregs in the NFL. Russell Wilson has nearly identical home and road stats over his career. The team is most likely going to lean heavily on Chris Carson again, but if this game goes anything like the Steelers played against the Patriots, then it really doesn’t matter who the Seahawks lean on, they are going to win the game.

Week 2 NFL betting tip: I‘ll take the Seahawks +4 and will definitely be eyeing them at +170 to win outright.

Minnesota Vikings (+3) at Green Bay Packers

Finally, a home team I can put some money on. Yes, the Vikings won last week against a Falcons team that i’ll someday learn to not have faith in to use their offensive weapons. The Packers, on the other hand, looked terrible on offense last week. Aaron Rodgers doesn’t tend to look terrible in back to back games as long as he isn’t injured. I’d expect the Packers to focus more on the run to set up the pass against the Vikings. Also, i’m not betting on a team that won by throwing for under 100 passing yards. Doubly so since they are going to be trying to do that on the road.

Week 2 NFL betting tip: Packers -3 feels like a nice little line to bet on.

New England Patriots (-19) at Miami Dolphins

This is one of the funniest lines I’ve ever seen this early into a football season. I’d call it a massive overreaction by Vegas after one week, but the fact is that the Miami Dolphins are an embarrassment. There were reports that after the game last week, players were calling their agents to try to get them traded to another team. That’s after the first game of the season. Meanwhile, the Patriots are bringing in Antonio Brown, who is very excited at the prospect of making a lot of people eat their words.

The line is ridiculously high, but there is literally no reason to have any faith in this Dolphins team. I’m torn on this because I stay pretty hard and true to a rule that I don’t bet any game over two touchdowns, and by game time this could very well be at 21 point spread.

Dallas Cowboys (-5.5) at Washington

Washington was able to look like an NFL team for an entire half before they remembered that they aren’t good. On the other hand, the Cowboys did exactly what a team that has Super Bowl expectations should do: Beat the snot out of the Giants.

Theoretically, a home team gets an automatic three point bump, which means Vegas thinks the Cowboys are 8.5 points better than Washington, which might be underselling it a bit. There is no such thing as a home field advance in DC. The fans are openly hostile to the team. Their owner is a cancerous polyp in the colon of professional football. I hope the Cowboys win by 60.

Week 2 NFL betting tip: I’ll take the Cowboys -5.5 because this is the only time they get the moral high ground on anyone

San Francisco 49ers (+2) at Cincinnati Bengals

Don’t look now, but the Bengals gave the Seahawks a rough time on the road last week. The eventually faded but not before Andy Dalton mysteriously looked like a functional quarterback. That he did it with Joe Mixon going down with injury and AJ Green already injured makes it even more remarkable.

The issue is, the 49ers looked a lot like a shutdown defense against the Buccaneers. Richard Sherman looked like the Richard Sherman of old. What’s hard to figure is whether the 49ers defense is actually good, or if the Buccaneers suck a ferocious amount. I’m leaning towards both. San Fran has heavily invested in it’s defense, and it should be showing results. On offense, though, the 49ers are now officially on their 3rd and 5th string running backs and are an injury away from having to call Garrison Hearst out of retirement.

Week 2 NFL betting tip: I could be talked into either team, but I think I like the Bengals at home. When in doubt, take the home team.

Carson City Chargers (-3) at Detroit Lions

Did I miss something? The Chargers took care of business against a good Colts team last week. The Lions, on the other hand, tripped over themselves to prove how incompetently they are run. Seriously, the Chargers offense was able to flow last week against a Colts team that is still very talented on defense.

On the other hand, the Lions absolutely went out of their way to be an embarrassment on what amounted to National Television because they were the last afternoon game still being played. To recap, the Lions pulled a full on coward move by punting with nine seconds left in the game near midfield instead of trying to win the game. They could literally hike the ball, Matt Stafford could roll out of the pocket for four seconds, put the ball in the air for nearly three seconds, and hope that either one of their wide receivers catches it, or they are able to get a pass interference call, which referees are actually forced to watch out for now.

Week 2 NFL betting tip: Worst case scenario is that the Cardinals get the ball back with two seconds left, and have the option of throwing a hail Mary themselves, or trying to kick a 65-yard field goal. It was a shockingly low risk play, yet Matt Patricia, in the running for biggest idiot to fall out of the Bill Belichick coaching tree, punted the ball and sent the game to overtime. Just for that, i’m taking the Chargers -3.

Indianapolis Colts +3 at Tennessee Titans

Welp, I pretty well blew it with the Titans last week. I got so caught up in the fact that the Browns were the future of football and that the Titans were an absolute trash team that I forgot that the Titans have a good defense and absolutely obliterated the Browns. I mean, the Titans offense is still trash. If Derrick Henry gets slowed down, they are absolutely screwed.

The Colts also have an actual offensive line, not a dilapidated ranch fence with tumbleweeds rolling through. Jacoby Brissett was okay, and as long as Marlon Mack and TY Hilton stay healthy, they do still have a formidable enough offense to stay in games. It’s really going to come down to the Colts stopping the run and forcing Marcus Mariota to throw from deep in his side of the field. If they can do that, they have a good chance of winning. Ya know, screw it, I still don’t believe in the Titans.

Week 2 NFL betting tip: Colts +3 and call it a day.

Arizona Cardinals +13 at Baltimore Ravens

Okay, so, okay. Lamar Jackson had a perfect passer rating last week. I don’t need to tell you that. If you saw the stat line or the game, you already knew Jackson had pretty much the perfect game. Mark Ingram averaged seven yards per carry and two touchdowns. Hollywood Brown blasted onto the scene with 140 receiving yards and a couple touchdowns. The defense shut down a glorified flag football team.

And therein lies the problem…they beat the Dolphins, a consensus front runner for worst team of the century, only one week in. How much can we actually take from their week one win when it was done against a team that is actively trying to fall into a black hole? The Ravens looked good. Almost too good. Thank god we will get a better idea of the team they are because this week they are playing the [checks notes] Arizona Cardinals???

Oh come on. How does a schedule break this easily for any team? The Harlem Globetrotters have tougher early season opponents. Nick Saban schedules the Dolphins and Cardinals every year before he starts playing real teams in SEC play. Kyler Murray threw for 308 yards, but it took 54 passing attempts to get there, and he completed about half of them. They managed a tie because they were playing the football embodiment of a shriveled brown banana last week. Seriously, I know I already talked about them, but how did the Lions not win that game? They should get sent to the Big 10 for that.

Week 2 NFL betting tip: I’m expecting the Ravens to come back to earth. Maybe next week. I hate it, but i’m taking the Ravens -13 at home.

Buffalo Bills (-2) at New York Giants

It’s fun to make fun of the Texans and Browns offensive lines, but sweet Mary, the Bills offensive line really wet the bed last week. They had the good fortune of nobody knowing because there was much better football to be watched. For some reason, the Bills also waited until far too late in the game to unleash Devin Singletary, who completely changed the dynamic of the offense. Who knew that not having Frank Gore run would pay off?
The Giants are the just waiting to be thrown in the trash. Poor Saquon Barkley deserves a better situation than his lot in life, currently. I can only assume that Eli Manning is going to start again, and will continue to start as the Giants stare into the NFL abyss and see the abyss, which also happens to look like Eli Manning, staring back at them.

Week 2 NFL betting tip: Just stay away from this game. Or bet at your own risk. I’m not touching it.

Jacksonville Jaguars (+9) at Houston Texans

The Houston Texans played the game of the season against the Saints in Week one. They did everything they could to win, and lost when the guy from Twilight hit a 58 yard field goal as time expired. Now they have to go play on a short week against a team that lost their starting quarterback, and got replaced by a guy who looks like he owns a shady landscaping company.

The Jaguars played well enough to lose by a respectable margin to the Kansas City Chiefs. Can Romeo Crennel properly gameplan against a sixth round quarterback from Washington State who grows a mustache most 15 year olds could only dream of. Yea? I doubt he can, either. He couldn’t defend 80 percent of the field with no time left on the clock on Monday.

Week 2 NFL betting tip: I like the Texans to win, but I like the Jaguars to cover more.

Kansas City Chiefs (-7.5) at Oakland Raiders

Coming off Hard Knocks and the Antonio Brown saga, the Raiders were the team that came out unified and ready to come out Week one and punch a team in the teeth to pull out a big win. Every year, one team does it, and it was Jon Gruden and company that pulled it out in week one. The Raiders are riding high and hope the good times will never end.

[Narrator: The good times were about to end]

It’s one thing to shut down an aging and somewhat incompetent Joe Flacco. It’s a completely OTHER issue to slow down one of the most well oiled offenses that the NFL has ever seen. The Chiefs are going to try to get out to a huge lead so they can rest Mahomes before they have to start playing real teams in a few weeks. Until they give me reason to believe otherwise, the Chiefs are unstoppable.

Week 2 NFL betting tip: I’m taking the Chiefs and definitely willing to parlay them with other teams.

Chicago Bears (-3) at Denver Broncos

How are the Bears getting points on the road? Did nobody else watch this team get coached to death while having to watch Mitch Trubisky pull a quarterbacking Zoolander by being complete unable to throw left? The defense might literally murder Joe Flacco, but all that means is the game is going to somehow end 0-0 because Matt Nagy was too scared to let his kicker try to kick a 48-yard field goal at the end of the game so he ran a jet sweet RPO for three yards as time expired.

On the other end, the Broncos got shown the door by a Raiders team that is almost exclusively fielded by practice squad players that Jon Gruden keeps around to prove how great he is at developing players. Joe Flacco missed his receivers all game and first round tight end Noah Fant looked so completely lost out there that any defensive coordinator with an ounce of common sense is going to line Khalil Mack up over the top of him and let Mack get 15 sacks and three interceptions while also managing to get yanked down by 11 holding penalties.

Week 2 NFL betting tip: In a battle for who is less competent on offense, there are no winners. Pick at your own risk.

New Orleans Saints (+2.5) at Los Angeles Rams

Oh yeah babayyyyyy! This is the game of the week right here. I’ve been waiting for a good 45-42 game for way too long! Neither of these defenses are gonna stop anything. The Saints made Deshaun Watson look like John Elway, and the Rams turned Christian McCaffrey into Ladanian Tomlinson. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Neither of these teams are about to find themselves in a defensive shootout.

Week 2 NFL betting tip: In the end, it’s a matter of, who would you rather bet on, Drew Brees or Jared Goff? I’m taking Drew Brees and parlaying it with the Chiefs.

Philadelphia Eagles (-2) at Atlanta Falcons

Over the past two NFL seasons, nothing has made me more furious than watching the Falcons misuse their offensive weapons. Steve Sarkisian was a horrifyingly bad offensive coordinator, and they decided to replace him with Dirk Koetter, who was a horrifyingly bad coach. They have Julio Jones, Matt Ryan, Calvin Ridley, Devonta Freeman, and they allow it to be run by a series of human embodiments of Benny Hill sketches.

The Eagles took 30 minutes of football to realize they were the better team last week, and when they did, they pulled a Fast and the Furious, and “Too Soon, Junior”’d them. They are going to have to throw more to Zach Ertz, their all-world tight end, because that running game did not look good. Give it a few weeks, and Eagles fans will realize why the Bears were so willing to trade Jordan Howard.

Week 2 NFL betting tip: For this week, i’m betting more on the Eagles not to screw things up, rather than the Falcons to get things right. I’ll take the Eagles -2.

Cleveland Browns (-3) at New York Jets

WEEK 2! MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL! THE BATTLE OF WHO LOOKED WORSE IN WEEK 1! Honestly, how do you bet on this? The Cleveland Browns legitimately looked like every other Browns team we ever expected to see through the years. That could have been Tim Couch throwing to Webster Slaughter while Peyton Hillis ran out to the flat.

The Jets managed to let a Bills team that had zero offense come back and win. The Jets were 94% win probability with 14 minutes left in the game. They let Josh Allen, who had done absolutely nothing all game, march up and down the field on them to come back and win. THE AFC East is a clown car. The Patriots are going to go 16-0. The Dolphins are going to go 0-16, and in between is the Jets and Bills slapping dongs.

Week 2 NFL betting tip: Screw it, take the Browns.

For more from Brandon Andreaen, check him out on Twitter @theBman

He is also the founder of Fancy Boys Club

Check out his season preview on Football Absurdity by clicking HERE