Week 12 Injury Report (as written by a schlock horror writer)

Week 12 Injury Report

Good evening, for it is always the evening in the stretching shadows of the darkest places of our mind. And there is nothing darker than injuries, not even death! With no further ado, let us get to the week 12 injury report…

Joe Flacco Injury: Will Lamar Jackson Play?

Joe Flacco stepped onto the practice field Friday, smelling the pungent scent of grass, or maybe artificial turf depending on what stadium he is in. He thought nothing of it, yet this sensory moment would resurface in his mind many times over the next year as he lay bound by straightjacket in an asylum for the criminally insane.

Although Flacco was suited up, he would not be practicing that Friday, nor did he practice any other day of the long, dark, and dreadful week. For inside Touchdown Joe’s hip lurked a festering monster. A foul beast with long, sharp teeth, blood-stained claws, and the head of a baby.

“Will Joe Flacco play? Will Lamar Jackson play? Will Joe Flacco play? Will Lamar Jackson play? Will Joe Flacco play? Will Lamar Jackson play?” the monster constantly whispered, having an uncanny obsession with SEO. Sadly, madly, was Flacco driven. Joe Flacco will not play week 12, Lamar Jackson will play week 12. Fire up your Lamar Jacksons, and also start Gus Edwards who benefitted greatly from Jackson’s play style week 11.


Will A.J. Green Play Week 12?

A.J. Green committed a horrible wrong. He thought he had buried it deep beneath the baseboards of his sneaker, but late at night he felt a pulsing, THROBBING pain inside his sock. One day, a day not unlike today, except it was yesterday, he shot up in bed ripped off his sock and screamed. For instead of his toe, attached to his foot was a horrible purple zombie, with mummies for arms, vampires for legs, and werewolves for eyes! A.J. Green opened his mouth to scream again, but the evil toe-thing leapt down his throat, pulling his foot and leg with it!

Will A.J. Green play week 12? His coach seemed to indicate it was a 50/50 chance, but in the midnight horror of the real world, that coin always lands tails-up. Tails being the side that means that A.J. Green won’t play. I’m calling it: A.J. Green will not play week 12. Everything always turns out awful.


Will Gronk Play Week 12?

I submit for your approval the tale of a man. A man just like you or me, but with one abhorrent difference: This man has had sex. As such, the dark Ones cursed him to a life of back pain and low levels of essense. Will Gronk play week 12? WILL GRONK PLAY WEEK 12? That is what keeps me up all night, staring at my laptop in the horrific light of my neon My Little Pony lamp from Hell. Gronk has ired the Ancient Peoples, and thus will be showered with plague and pestilince and disease and sickness!

So, will Gronk play week 12? Well, he’s been in practice, so yeah, Gronk will play week 12, hope he does well for you!

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