NFL Conspiracy Theories
The first of my many NFL conspiracy theories comes from a celebrity and you would be shocked if I told you their name. But I can’t. What I can tell you is that the highest point in the continuous 48 U.S. States (Mt. Whitney) and the lowest point in the contiguous 48 U.S. states (Death Valley) are a mere 80 miles apart. For centuries, geologists have traced this link to the original formation of the Rocky Mountains, but now I am here to blow the lid off of a seismically non-seismic conspiracy regarding their placement. For it is whispered among certain high-ranking illuminati who meet on the moors at midnight bearing weird code names like “sparrow of the dawn,” and “Steve,” that this majestic mountain was built next to this voluptuous valley for a reason. That reason, put simply, is descent. For you must drive over Mount Whitney and into Death Valley if you are going from Santa Clara to Las Vegas. Those powers that be knew that in 2019, football fans would pack up their covered wagons and abandon the sadly injured 49ers team for the greener pastures of the barren desert. No doubt hoping to lessen the sting of people arriving in Las Vegas, which was incidentally founded by Mormons, they made them ascend a high mountain then into a deep valley. The reason for this was simply: The pressure change will no doubt get people feeling dazed and disoriented, and so when they reach Las Vegas and see a football “team” that can’t even run a simple play or hold the Cleveland Browns to under 42 points, the well-traveled spectators will assume it is some trick of their delirium.
Likelihood of this NFL conspiracy theory being true: 99.2%… relatively low
NFL Conspiracy Theory #2:
The World all saw Mitch Trubisky’s coming up party, where he used seemingly otherworldly precision to perfectly thread in six touchdown passes. Or, at least, that’s what the world thought they saw. That’s what “THEY” wanted us to see. In fact, Mitch Trubisky was relaxing on Proxima Centurai b, a rocky planet 12 light-years away. There, among a group of friendly aliens, he was given access to local television shows and an unlimited supply of Nutella. Meanwhile, back on Earth, an alien from Proxima Centurai b was disguised as Trubisky, using his extreme alien strength developed from a lifetime spent on a high-gravity planet to effortlessly zip ropes into receivers hands.
The reason for this deception can be traced to the U.S. Government, who financed the whole operation. As it turns out, a high ranking White House official whose name I currently don’t have permission to divulge was facing a challenging opponent in a game of fantasy football. That political powerhouse pulled the strings to swap his opponent’s main running back, Jordan Howard, with a shapeshifting jelly-fish found on Proxima Centurai b continuously running into a pile of rocks. Trubisky was a false flag meaning to divert audiences from seeing the obvious truth that Jordan had somehow simultaneously lost the abilities both to play football and run more than 5 miles per hour.
Likelihood of this NFL conspiracy theory being true: 99.9 % plus 0.1 % . As we all know you can’t type out the number that is one plus ninety-nine without it automatically sending information to government conspiracy theorist spies.
NFL Conspiracy Theory #3:
The day is Sunday, September 30th, colloquially known as the fourth week of the NFL season. The Tennessee Titans are 57 yards from the end zone with 27 seconds left in overtime, facing a daunting 4th-and-4 situation. (EDIT: I said the Tennessee Titans, but I meant the Indianapolis Colts… OR DID I?!)The score is tied. Struggling for a play, offensive coordinator Nick Sirianni turns to mastermind head coach Frank Reich for the play. Reich gazes at his play sheet, then up at the field. The white lines start to wriggle, then turn fully loose into a swirling miasma. Reich is hit with a flashback harder than a Clay Matthews sack (pre-2018).
It is 1968, a seven-year-old Frank Reich is in the basement of his suburban home. He is sitting in a circle with some school friends and acquaintances, a bottle spins on the floor in the center. The bottle stops, it points at Frank. Everyone else lets out horrified giggles, as the bottle-spinner is none-other than Franks until-now-completely-unknown twin sister, Francesca. Even though he didn’t go through with it, the rumors this started at school led to a traumatic upbringing, the ghosts of which still haunt the dark, cobweb-filled spaces of his troubled mind.
Frank Reich comes to, he is still standing on the sidelines, only seconds have passed. Sirianni asks for the play a second time. “Go for it,” Reich spits. It is a weird decision that goes against the standard wisdom to just punt the ball and get out of there without a loss. Sirianni, usually a devoted employee, is stunned. “Are you… are you sure he stammers?”
“Dead sure,” Frank responds, “if we don’t win, I want to lose. Anything but a tie.”
As Sirianni turns to call out the play, Reich puts his hands on his shoulders, glares at him with a gaze the young assistant coach will never forget, and growls, “I’m never kissing my sister!”
Likelihood of this NFL conspiracy theory being true: 100%. What can I say, I need to talk to a government spy urgently: I need help finding my keys.
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