I’m taking over the week 14 power rankings from Jeff for just a week. As we all know, the best thing to do when tasked with someone else’s job is to CHANGE EVERYTHING. To wit:
|Since the Browns are mathematically eliminated, making the playoffs would require transcending the laws of time and probability. How powerful would that be? Infinitely powerful. Which would you rather have: Power, or the potential for infinite power?
|New England Patriots
|The system is designed to keep the top on top and prevent any upward movement for others. That’s why it’s called a Patriot-archy
|Held Falcons offense without a touchdown. I can’t recall the last team to put the stop on Atlanta’s scoring machine. Not this season, not last season, not during the Super Bowl, never
|Pittsburgh is the Steel City. Because of its high tensile strength, steel has a lot of power. That’s how football works.
|The Eagles lost to Seattle. I live in Seattle. Do you know how smug this city is right now? I hate you, Eagles
|New Orleans Saints
|New Orleans is built in such a way that every direction is downhill. Great for running games, bad for floods
|Los Angeles Rams
|The Rams slipped out of favor this week. They know what they did
|MVP play from Russell Wilson is turning around their season. Plus, having 17 mediocre running backs means there’s always fresh legs!
|Fournette’s chronic foot injury is part of their master plan: A slower running back runs more time off the clock
|Los Angeles Chargers
|The Chargers are good, now, but wait until Phillip Rivers’ 22 kids become pro-eligible
|Ravens are legit! Joe Flacco is the greatest quarterback since Trent Dilfer
|What’s the difference between last years Titans O-Line and this year’s? Nothing, apparently, according to their delusional coach
|For the people of Carolina, second-best only counts in horseshoes and Civil Wars
|Why is it that all the copper wire is always missing from Detroit’s stadium after a game?
|Not as implosive as the Redskins. That’s the best we can say
|Apparently, Steve Sarkisian yelling, “DO YOU WANT TO MAKE ME START DRINKING AGAIN?!” isn’t sufficiently motivating the offense
|New York Jets
|It’s a wonderful time to be from New Jersey
|Raiders are going to be the first team to win a Super Bowl after allowing 200 points scored on them. I believe.
|Sleep well, Kirk Cousins, you are too beautiful for this world
|Held Pittsburgh close which is, uh, I guess it gives Ohio a reason to get up in the morning
|Kansas City Chiefs
|Currently losing the battle of “consistently mediocre teams with racially questionable names”
|Playing to win was a bad idea, guys
|I thought long and hard about who ranks exactly 23rd, and then the cough syrup wore off
|Green Bay Packers
|Just have to beat Cleveland this week, and then they get Rodgers back in playoff contention. No joke here. Unless they lose to the Browns
|Beat up on the Denver Clownballs
|Have gotten a few leads, I guess? That’s all it takes to be better than 6 other teams
|New York Giants
|Firing the coach, GM, and Geno Smith is enough for a rankings boost
|San Fransisco 49ers
|Moving on up! With some luck and hard play, they could make the top 26 by season end
|Petitioning Washington to change name to, “The Virginia Virgins”
|All the pieces are there for a bounce back next year. Or in ten years, who knows?
|Tampa Bay Buccaneers
|If you got excited about Winston coming back, you need to question your life decisions that led you to this point
|Definitely better than the Denver Broncos
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