Week 14 Power Rankings: Cleveland Browns Most Powerful Entity in Universe

I’m taking over the week 14 power rankings from Jeff for just a week. As we all know, the best thing to do when tasked with someone else’s job is to CHANGE EVERYTHING. To wit: 

Rank Last Week Team Note
1 32 Cleveland Browns Since the Browns are mathematically eliminated, making the playoffs would require transcending the laws of time and probability. How powerful would that be? Infinitely powerful. Which would you rather have: Power, or the potential for infinite power?
2 2 New England Patriots The system is designed to keep the top on top and prevent any upward movement for others. That’s why it’s called a Patriot-archy
3 4 Minnesota Vikings Held Falcons offense without a touchdown. I can’t recall the last team to put the stop on Atlanta’s scoring machine. Not this season, not last season, not during the Super Bowl, never
4 3 Pittsburgh Steelers Pittsburgh is the Steel City. Because of its high tensile strength, steel has a lot of power. That’s how football works.
5 1 Philadelphia Eagles The Eagles lost to Seattle. I live in Seattle. Do you know how smug this city is right now? I hate you, Eagles
6 6 New Orleans Saints New Orleans is built in such a way that every direction is downhill. Great for running games, bad for floods
7 5 Los Angeles Rams The Rams slipped out of favor this week. They know what they did
8 12 Seattle Seahawks MVP play from Russell Wilson is turning around their season. Plus, having 17 mediocre running backs means there’s always fresh legs!
9 7 Jacksonville Jaguars Fournette’s chronic foot injury is part of their master plan: A slower running back runs more time off the clock
10 13 Los Angeles Chargers The Chargers are good, now, but wait until Phillip Rivers’ 22 kids become pro-eligible
11 17 Baltimore Ravens Ravens are legit! Joe Flacco is the greatest quarterback since Trent Dilfer
12 14 Tennessee Titans What’s the difference between last years Titans O-Line and this year’s? Nothing, apparently, according to their delusional coach
13 8 Carolina Panthers For the people of Carolina, second-best only counts in horseshoes and Civil Wars
14 10 Detroit Lions Why is it that all the copper wire is always missing from Detroit’s stadium after a game?
15 16 Dallas Cowboys Not as implosive as the Redskins. That’s the best we can say
16 9 Atlanta Falcons Apparently, Steve Sarkisian yelling, “DO YOU WANT TO MAKE ME START DRINKING AGAIN?!” isn’t sufficiently motivating the offense
17 22 New York Jets It’s a wonderful time to be from New Jersey
18 20 Oakland Raiders Raiders are going to be the first team to win a Super Bowl after allowing 200 points scored on them. I believe.
19 21 Washington Redskins Sleep well, Kirk Cousins, you are too beautiful for this world
20 18 Cincinnati Bengals Held Pittsburgh close which is, uh, I guess it gives Ohio a reason to get up in the morning
21 19 Kansas City Chiefs Currently losing the battle of “consistently mediocre teams with racially questionable names”
22 15 Buffalo Bills Playing to win was a bad idea, guys
23 23 Arizona Cardinals I thought long and hard about who ranks exactly 23rd, and then the cough syrup wore off
24 24 Green Bay Packers Just have to beat Cleveland this week, and then they get Rodgers back in playoff contention. No joke here. Unless they lose to the Browns
25 31 Miami Dolphins Beat up on the Denver Clownballs
26 26 Indianapolis Colts Have gotten a few leads, I guess? That’s all it takes to be better than 6 other teams
27 30 New York Giants Firing the coach, GM, and Geno Smith is enough for a rankings boost
28 29 San Fransisco 49ers Moving on up! With some luck and hard play, they could make the top 26 by season end
29 25 Houston Texans Petitioning Washington to change name to, “The Virginia Virgins”
30 27 Chicago Bears All the pieces are there for a bounce back next year. Or in ten years, who knows?
31 21 Tampa Bay Buccaneers If you got excited about Winston coming back, you need to question your life decisions that led you to this point
32 NA Clemson Tigers Definitely better than the Denver Broncos


For more articles like the week 14 power rankings, check these out:

Week 13 Power Rankings

The Five Most Absurd Mistakes of Week 13

NFL Hot Takes from Crazy People: Browns Is the New Blacks

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