What is even the point of having the rest of the NFL regular season? Every year we all gear up to watch what happens, and “what happens” is the Patriots ending up atop all the NFL power rankings. Like the tides or a ticking clock, it’s a constant that will never stop. Tom Brady will play until he’s 60, and he will be coached by the consciousness of Bill Belichick, which has been uploaded to the cloud. There’s no point to anything, the Patriots will win another title, and we’ll all be back here next September acting like it won’t happen again in 2018. Anyway, here are the week sixteen power rankings.
| Rank | Last Week | Team | Notes |
| 1 | 2 | New England Patriots | It’s almost Christmas and the Pats are the best team in the NFL. What else is new? |
| 2 | 3 | Minnesota Vikings | Clinched the division and have an outside shot at homefield throughout the playoffs including the Super Bowl. |
| 3 | 1 | Pittsburgh Steelers | They had a baffling ending to the Patriots game, but the loss of Antonio Brown hurts them enough to bump them behind the Patriots and Minnesota. |
| 4 | 4 | Jacksonville Jaguars | That uncomfortable feeling in your stomach is the realization that Blake Bortles… might be good now? |
| 5 | 5 | Los Angeles Rams | Oh boy, 42-7 is the worst Seahawks loss in the history of Century Link Field. |
| 6 | 6 | New Orleans Saints | 19 points to the Jets seems like a lot, but they were also coasting a bit. Mark Ingram made the game look like a bigger blowout than it was. |
| 7 | 9 | Philadelphia Eagles | Did we greatly underestimate Nick Foles, or did we forget they were playing the Giants this week? |
| 8 | 7 | Atlanta Falcons | As you watched the Monday Night Football game, it felt like a blowout, but was actually a last-second win. |
| 9 | 11 | Carolina Panthers | Cam Newton is unconscious right now, including calling out Clay Matthews calling out their play on a hot mic. |
| 10 | 8 | Seattle Seahawks | There are rumblings they’re going to break up the band and start over. I probably would too if I was paying a secondary $46 million in 2018. |
| 11 | 12 | Baltimore Ravens | In a virtual tie with the Bills and Titans for the last two playoff spots, and their offense is rounding into shape. |
| 12 | 14 | Green Bay Packers | Aaron Rodgers is back, but it wasn’t enough to stop them from being eliminated. He might be gone again, but that one game was enough to turn fantasy matchups. |
| 13 | 15 | Dallas Cowboys | Zeke is back, but is Dak broken from the experience of having to deal with a life without him? |
| 14 | 16 | Kansas City Chiefs | They won by remembering to GIVE KAREEM HUNT THE BALL. They have the grip on the division… again. |
| 15 | 10 | Los Angeles Chargers | All their good luck and good vibes came crashing down in Arrowhead. |
| 16 | 13 | Detroit Lions | They need a decent running back in the worst way. |
| 17 | 18 | Buffalo Bills | Keep chugging along despite themselves. Can you imagine this team with Sammy Watkins, Anquan Boldin and Marcell Dareus? |
| 18 | 19 | Washington Redskins | Defeated the Arizona Cardinals in the Week 15 Who Cares Bowl |
| 19 | 17 | Tennessee Titans | Marcus Mariota, former #1 overall pick, wasn’t the best QB in Santa Clara on Sunday. |
| 20 | 20 | Oakland Raiders | Lots of fight, bad results all around. I can’t think of an AFC team that just wants 2017 to end more than the Raiders. |
| 21 | 21 | New York Jets | Oh wait nope, the Jets. |
| 22 | 25 | San Fransisco 49ers | Don’t look now but they’ve won four-of-five. They get the Jags and Rams next though, so the three straight with Jimmy G is likely it for this year. |
| 23 | 22 | Arizona Cardinals | Lost to Washington in the Week 15 Who Cares Bowl |
| 24 | 23 | Miami Dolphins | They followed up their defeat of the Patriots by losing to the Bills. There’s something very Jay Cutler about that. |
| 25 | 28 | New York Giants | Are the rumors of Eli Manning’s demise greatly exaggerated? Hung 34 on one of the leagues best defenses. |
| 26 | 24 | Cincinnati Bengals | Marvin Lewis announced he’s gone after 2017, and the rest of the team followed suit Sunday. Back to back embarrassing performances. |
| 27 | 27 | Chicago Bears | Their top-two WRs combined don’t even make 900 yards receiving. That’s all you need to know. |
| 28 | 26 | Indianapolis Colts | Chuck Pagano quoting Groundhog Day while Indy burns and their franchise QB might need another surgery off in parts unknown. |
| 29 | 29 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | The Raiders of the NFC. Just hoping to fast forward to 2018 and hang a big reset on the franchise. |
| 30 | 30 | Houston Texans | Hard to fault them for being so low. It turns out losing four of your best players can make you bad. |
| 31 | 31 | Denver Broncos | The QB Carousel is going to destroy the current iteration of this franchise unless John Elway can get off. |
| 32 | 32 | Cleveland Browns | 0-16 watch is officially on. |
