I’m taking over the week 14 power rankings from Jeff for just a week. As we all know, the best thing to do when tasked with someone else’s job is to CHANGE EVERYTHING. To wit:
| Rank | Last Week | Team | Note |
| 1 | 32 | Cleveland Browns | Since the Browns are mathematically eliminated, making the playoffs would require transcending the laws of time and probability. How powerful would that be? Infinitely powerful. Which would you rather have: Power, or the potential for infinite power? |
| 2 | 2 | New England Patriots | The system is designed to keep the top on top and prevent any upward movement for others. That’s why it’s called a Patriot-archy |
| 3 | 4 | Minnesota Vikings | Held Falcons offense without a touchdown. I can’t recall the last team to put the stop on Atlanta’s scoring machine. Not this season, not last season, not during the Super Bowl, never |
| 4 | 3 | Pittsburgh Steelers | Pittsburgh is the Steel City. Because of its high tensile strength, steel has a lot of power. That’s how football works. |
| 5 | 1 | Philadelphia Eagles | The Eagles lost to Seattle. I live in Seattle. Do you know how smug this city is right now? I hate you, Eagles |
| 6 | 6 | New Orleans Saints | New Orleans is built in such a way that every direction is downhill. Great for running games, bad for floods |
| 7 | 5 | Los Angeles Rams | The Rams slipped out of favor this week. They know what they did |
| 8 | 12 | Seattle Seahawks | MVP play from Russell Wilson is turning around their season. Plus, having 17 mediocre running backs means there’s always fresh legs! |
| 9 | 7 | Jacksonville Jaguars | Fournette’s chronic foot injury is part of their master plan: A slower running back runs more time off the clock |
| 10 | 13 | Los Angeles Chargers | The Chargers are good, now, but wait until Phillip Rivers’ 22 kids become pro-eligible |
| 11 | 17 | Baltimore Ravens | Ravens are legit! Joe Flacco is the greatest quarterback since Trent Dilfer |
| 12 | 14 | Tennessee Titans | What’s the difference between last years Titans O-Line and this year’s? Nothing, apparently, according to their delusional coach |
| 13 | 8 | Carolina Panthers | For the people of Carolina, second-best only counts in horseshoes and Civil Wars |
| 14 | 10 | Detroit Lions | Why is it that all the copper wire is always missing from Detroit’s stadium after a game? |
| 15 | 16 | Dallas Cowboys | Not as implosive as the Redskins. That’s the best we can say |
| 16 | 9 | Atlanta Falcons | Apparently, Steve Sarkisian yelling, “DO YOU WANT TO MAKE ME START DRINKING AGAIN?!” isn’t sufficiently motivating the offense |
| 17 | 22 | New York Jets | It’s a wonderful time to be from New Jersey |
| 18 | 20 | Oakland Raiders | Raiders are going to be the first team to win a Super Bowl after allowing 200 points scored on them. I believe. |
| 19 | 21 | Washington Redskins | Sleep well, Kirk Cousins, you are too beautiful for this world |
| 20 | 18 | Cincinnati Bengals | Held Pittsburgh close which is, uh, I guess it gives Ohio a reason to get up in the morning |
| 21 | 19 | Kansas City Chiefs | Currently losing the battle of “consistently mediocre teams with racially questionable names” |
| 22 | 15 | Buffalo Bills | Playing to win was a bad idea, guys |
| 23 | 23 | Arizona Cardinals | I thought long and hard about who ranks exactly 23rd, and then the cough syrup wore off |
| 24 | 24 | Green Bay Packers | Just have to beat Cleveland this week, and then they get Rodgers back in playoff contention. No joke here. Unless they lose to the Browns |
| 25 | 31 | Miami Dolphins | Beat up on the Denver Clownballs |
| 26 | 26 | Indianapolis Colts | Have gotten a few leads, I guess? That’s all it takes to be better than 6 other teams |
| 27 | 30 | New York Giants | Firing the coach, GM, and Geno Smith is enough for a rankings boost |
| 28 | 29 | San Fransisco 49ers | Moving on up! With some luck and hard play, they could make the top 26 by season end |
| 29 | 25 | Houston Texans | Petitioning Washington to change name to, “The Virginia Virgins” |
| 30 | 27 | Chicago Bears | All the pieces are there for a bounce back next year. Or in ten years, who knows? |
| 31 | 21 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | If you got excited about Winston coming back, you need to question your life decisions that led you to this point |
| 32 | NA | Clemson Tigers | Definitely better than the Denver Broncos |
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