I had a mega-celebrity lined up to live blog and watch NFL Week 8 Live Reactions. However, a certain orange-and-black-striped tiger named for a famous philosopher landed in jail on kidnapping charges, so here I am. Also, check out last week’s live reactions by Dr. Manhattan.
7:36 AM: I’m in a byenado match in my BML, my opponent and I have ten total starters on bye. That is why I am starting Lactavius Murray this morning.
7:37 AM: One of the pains of having Murray is watching Minnesota run. If it’s a long run, hoping against hope that it was Murray and not McKinnon. If it’s stuffed, hoping it’s McKinnon.
7:38 AM: Stat check: Murray has 8 carries to McKinnon’s 4. I feel elated. Murray has only 20 yards. I put whiskey in my Mrs. Butterworth’s and got drunk with her over pancakes.
7:40 AM: They’ve officially “hot-handed” it to McKinnon. In anger, I smash Mrs. Butterworth’s face against the wall.
7:48 AM: Through a syrupy haze of tears and syrup, I notice that I started Crowell in a league. Good job being far too busy/alcoholic to change guys out of my lineup.
7:50 AM: DeShone Kizer slips through the defensive line, like the Nazi forces slipping through the forests into France, for a 1 yard touchdown.
7:52 AM: I just noticed that I forgot to make the Kizer/Kaiser pun I had intended, so it looks like my last post just brings in Nazis for no real reason.
8:40 AM: Yes! Lactavius catches an 8 yard pass! I can post something, finally, from this boring game.
8:46 AM: Goal line carry! He’s in! As the guys get off the pile, I hope against hope that Lactavius is on the bottom. It is not. It is McKinnon. I think back to last year, when I got McKinnon in literally all of my redraft leages. The void begins to stare back at me.
9:07 AM: Okay, okay, Minnesota is up by two touchdowns. I can rationalize this and relate it to my universe. They’ll probably give all the carries to Murray now to run out the clock. I have something to live for.
9:11 AM: Lactavius for 8 yards! It begins! Rays of sunshine shoot down from clouds like lasers thrown by Derek Carr!
9:12 AM: Lactavius for negative three yards. I calmly and rationally remove my shoelaces.
9:30 AM: What have I done?
10:08 AM: Time for an onslaught of football madness. I have a beer bet with my New York friend on the outcome of the Raiders-Bills game, so that’s what I’ll be keeping an eye on with the hopes and dreams of millions of yeast cells.
10:10 AM: Alvin Kamara’s coming up. Could the New Orleans backfield support two fantasy starters? The answer is a most-definitive “probably”
10:10 AM: Will Lutz’ extra point reminds me that I had a friend named Steve Lutz. His business emails would always be like “firstname.lastname@example.org”
10:14 AM: TOUCHDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN, VULTURES! Who had the fourth string raiders RB in their lineups?
10:16 AM: Also watching for any and all news from my super-sleeper: Zay Jones. Update: His team has not had the ball, yet.
10:22 AM: Zay Jones two catches in the opening four plays. I’m just going to extrapolate this for an entire game and turn off my TV for the day
10:44 AM: Breaking news ALERT!
Someone saw Calvin Johnson on a flight to Philadelphia. Fantasy world is overreacting hilariously.
10:48: Zay Jones 3 for 32. If I could undo my hour of bad mood drinking, I would.
10:52: “This isn’t my dry cleaning,” cries Zay Jones. From the other side of the laundromat comes a similar call. “This isn’t my name,” continues Zay, “it says `Jay Z!'”
Jay Z walks up carrying dry cleaning, “and this says `Zay J!'”
They make eye contact and share a look. Buddy comedy music starts. ORIGINAL IDEA DO NOT STEAL
10:56 AM: “Beth-urt” is a stupid pronunciation for a guy named Beathard. Have you heard of this great band that hung out with Frank Zappa? They’re called Captain Beffurt.
11:27 AM: At halftime, Mitch Trubisky has more pass attempts than Drew Brees
12:05 PM: Tyrod Taylor threw it to Zay Jones who, in a shocking decision, decided not to catch the ball.
12:44: Saints crowd seems to be cheering on Trubisky. Conspiracy? Might seem far-fetched until you consider this: NoLa’s own Fats Domino passed away this week.
1:06 PM: Mind blown. I lost the Raiders-Bills sixpack bet. But for some reason the guy I bet thought it was whomever wins the bet buys. I had to explain gambling to him.
1:12 PM: 60-yard TD to a wide open Wil Fuller V pulls me way ahead in BML. I now regret losing so much hair and sobriety over Lactavius Murray
2:05 PM: THE FULLER THE FIFTH, THE MORE LIT WE GET! Help me make that a thing.
2:16: Update from Dallas-Washington: Nothing has happened.
3:16 PM: “At least it’s not his head,” is what we say about a leg injury for Jordan Reed. Each Halloween, I name all my rotting Jack-O-Lanterns, “Jordan Reed”