Week 7 NFL Live Reactions
Week 7 NFL Live Thursday
It is Thursday, October 19, 2017, 8:45 PM. I watch with disdain as Amari Cooper goes over 200 yards with two touchdowns.
It is Wednesday, October 18, 2017, 4:45 PM. I am inside the atoms of a cheap laptop, setting my fantasy football lineup. I hesitate while dragging Amari Cooper to my bench. Alas, I am unable to change time. A single tear falls from my eyes.
Week 7 NFL Live Sunday, Early Games
It is Sunday, October 22, 2017. I am sitting on the surface of Mars at a dive bar I assembled from atoms. As I sip my appletini, I lament the irony of my existence. How can someone have such great powers, yet be so utterly helpless? Leonard Fournette sits next to me, pondering similar thoughts. At the end of his leg is his foot, simultaneously existing in the contrary planes of “expects to play on Sunday,” and “inactive.”
Sunday, 10:10 AM, October 22, 2017. Cam Newton attempts a shovel pass to a strange man. It is picked up and run back for a defensive touchdown. Cam Newton is credited with a fumble, but maybe this wasn’t just a fumble. Maybe the man is involved in a sinister plot to distract Cam “Superman” Newton so that a group of psychics can manifest a tentacled monster from another dimension.
Sunday, 10:13 AM, October 22, 2017. After further review, it was just a fumble.
Sunday, 10:31 AM, October 22, 2017. Jaguars vs Colts? More like Comedians vs Silk Spectres.
Sunday, 10:43 AM, October 22, 2017. The Bears score their second defensive touchdown against the Panthers. Owned in 2% of leagues, the Bears defense continues to support my assertion that their team name should be the Chicago Uranium-238 Isotopes, as they can be reactive under just the right circumstances but their unstable molecular structure makes them impossible to own.
Sunday 10:50 AM, October 22, 2017. Matt Forte makes nearly the entire Dolphins’ team miss. Forte is obviously using his superpowers in blatant violation of the Keene act. It’s no surprise, the government only outlaws vigilantes and superheroes when they have served their purpose. That’s why I’m only listed as the third-most popular superhero after the Avatars and the Smurfs.
Sunday, 11:16 AM, October 22, 2017. Arizona trails 13-0 in London. This is because their players are too old and frail to withstand the long voyage to Wembley. That’s why I always broke up with women in their mid-30s.
Sunday, 11:19 AM, October 22, 2017. A twinge of guilt rises up from the emotional depths I thought were long buried: Maybe dismissing players for being too old was wrong. Also, I probably shouldn’t have dated that 15-year-old.
Sunday, 11:20 AM, October 22, 2017. Turns out Carson Palmer’s frail old body could not take that last hit. His return is questionable, I shall continue to court the underaged.
Sunday, 11:50 AM, October 22, 2017. DeMarco Murray rushes twice at the 1 for no gain. Henry comes in and rush es for no game. I started both of them in my Telekinesis superpowers league. I just checked, and I’m losing by 50 to that Twilight Zone kid who sends people to the cornfield.
Sunday, 12:59 PM, October 22, 2017. Matt Moore looks decent enough in relief of Jay Cutler. Cutler left the game with a chest injury. In my day, we would just reassemble the atoms in our chest until they were back to their most stable structure. But I guess these newer generations just aren’t as tough.
Sunday, 1:09 PM, October 22, 2017. Tennessee and Cleveland seem dedicated to not producing any fantasy points, despite going into overtime. That’s why those areas will be the first in the internment camps during Civil War II.
Sunday, 1:12 PM, October 22, 2017. I just realized I should have warned you that my last entry contained spoilers.
Week 7 NFL Live, Later Games
Sunday, 1:25 PM, October 22, 2017. Dallas is apparently sticking by their commitment to run Ezekiel Elliott every single play so he gets injured during his suspension. I have Darren McFadden in all leagues.
Sunday, 1:27 PM, October 22, 2017. I am now drinking.
Christmas, 9:48 PM, 1970. I am in Vietnam, taking the war for the United States. My goal is not one of economy. It is to instill terror into the entire armed forces of Vietnam, and its civilians. As I stomp through the jungles, flames shooting from my hands and anus, I see terrorized villagers watching their screaming families immolated inside their dry straw huts.
Sunday, 1:30 PM, October 22, 2017. As I watch Elliott score on the 49ers again and again, I feel my fantasy team coming apart like an overwound pocketwatch. I finally understand what it is to feel such devastation as those Vietnam villagers.
Sunday, 1:39 PM, October 22, 2017. Seahawks-Giants is boring, so I flip to Fox. It is a two-hour mocumentary about a baseball-themed Simpsons episode from 20 years ago. This is a fitting metaphor for my life, reliving exceptional moments in time over and over until they are as stale as a two hour clip show. Why can’t I rearrange the atoms in my brain to combat the crippling depression one feels upon being subjected to the Seahawks vs. the Giants?
Sunday, 1:42 PM, October 22, 2017. I am in a dark place. Will I ever find true love? Do I even deserve to be loved? Probably not, after the legendary atrocities I have committed using my freak powers. Also, Travis Benjamin had a pretty kick-ass punt return.
Sunday, 2:33 PM, October 22, 2017. I’ve come to an exciting conclusion: I am losing in all my fantasy leagues as a distraction. Someone, somewhere is up to a nefarious plot and conspired with the entire NFL to turn my focus away from world events. Yes, that is why I am losing, because I am so important.
Sunday, 2:36 PM, October 22, 2017. Because of this conspiracy against me in fantasy football, and it’s apocalyptic significance, I have temporarily turned off the games. I am now playing Peggle.
Sunday, 2:43 PM, October 22, 2017. I just lost an online duel to someone running Kat Tut. KAT TUT! I cannot control the atoms in an LCD screen, why do I do this?
Sunday, 2:49 PM, October 22, 2017. I have been informed by the higher-ups at FootballAbsurdity.com that I am not being paid to Let’s Play Peggle. I have returned to the vicious cycle that is my NFL fantasy season.
Sunday, 2:54 PM, October 22, 2017. In anger, I resign my post as “Football Absurdity’s Superhero Live Blogger.” Ezekiel Elliott can have the job anyway, he’s obviously God to you fantasy freaks, since EVERYONE ELSE seems to have drafted him.
Sunday, 3:03 PM, October 22, 2017. I continue to live blog. To me, this whole week is in the past, and I am helpless to control time. Spoiler alert: I lose in every league and have to keep rearranging the atoms in my liver to prevent cirrhosis.
Sunday, 3:06 PM, October 22, 2017. A stall. I look at the wall, converting the paint molecules to an unstable state, then watching them dry. It bores me, so I turn back to watch Ezekiel Elliott. After a few minutes, I stare at the wall again.
Sunday, 3:09 PM, October 22, 2017. Here are the top 5 highest running back single-game fantasy scores since 2000 (standard scoring): 5. Priest Holmes tie Fred Taylor 48; 4. Mike Anderson 49; 3. Doug Martin 51; 2. Shaun Alexander 52; 1. Clinton Portis 54. Ezekiel Elliott currently has 37 with 4:45 left to play in the third.
Sunday, 3:15 PM, October 22, 2017. I should mention that Clinton Portis’ 54 is the all time fantasy high for a single game at any position (4 pt passing tds). So Ezekiel Elloitt needs just 18 to set the all time fantasy record. Of course, I would have set the record, had the NFL not decided that teleporting players to random places on the sidelines was a “procedural penalty.”
Sunday, 3:21 PM, October 22, 2017. Up 33-3, Dallas snaps the ball for an extra point. Right after the holder grabs it, I shift all of the molecules in the football to the right, two inches. The placekicker misses the extra point, I chuckle. I am still drinking.
Sunday, 4:08 PM, October 22, 2017.
I am rooting for inertia. I, whose power is moving things at an atomical level, must root for nothing to happen. I have never felt so powerless. Except for that time with the psychics who made that weird beast.. sigh.
Sunday, 5:05 PM, October 22, 2017. Did anyone else see where Mike Wallace got hit hard in the head, plead with medical staff to get back on the field, but couldn’t find his helmet anywhere? The medical staff obviously hid his helmet right? NOTE: I did not hide his helmet nor do anything to it, molecularly.
Sunday 7:00 PM, October 22, 2017. Fantasy football sucks. I see why I never got a spin-off comic book series.
Sunday 7:18 PM, October 22, 2017. Here’s an idea! Rearrange the molecules in your brain that are arranged idiotically and therefore don’t throw it to Julio Jones every single play when you are down by like 17. Original idea, do not molecularly rearrange.