Hope you still have your eclipse glasses lying around, because these takes are so white-hot that reading them could cause the mental illness equivalent of retinal damage.
Odell Beckham, Jr. took a scary-looking hit and turned it into almost-maximum theatrics. I say “almost” maximum, because there apparently was still room for this guy to get hysterical:
“Justin” has decided that wide receivers, on whom you can’t breathe without receiving a penalty, aren’t protected enough. Specifically, their legs aren’t protected enough, while their heads are too protected by the rules. As he puts it, “you must ban high and ultra low hits and be a complete pansy league, or you’re a completely hypocritical league protecting sissys who get shakin’ more than a player on a solid hit.” So… either the league protects receivers and is pansy, or doesn’t and enables “sissys?” That seems very contrary, which is what I would expect from someone who admits he’s 41, yet also announces himself as a “Mixxmasta Scratch DJ.”
Side note, did you know that the Ezekiel Elliott conspiracy runs so deep, it’s actually leaking into the comments section of unrelated articles? Did you even know there’s an Ezekiel Elliott conspiracy? Get woke, grandpa:
Luckily, Kyle here is not too afraid to spread the news that apparently God himself orchestrated the OBJ injury specifically to counteract the sneaky plot by Goodell to keep the Cowboys down.
Meanwhile, where was God when ESPN posted footage of a fantasy football auction that somehow has been likened to a slave auction by crazy people? Luckily, the other side has also enlisted crazy people to settle this argument:
I plan to bust this one out during my irl auction, when I complain that a globalist, radical-left agenda was why I got outbid on Julio Jones. And every subsequent player I get outbid on.
Esteemed poster “Jesus pities my diseased hole,” has an unusual opinion regarding Yahoo’s comprehensive 2017 draft guide:
While I appreciate this poster showing their work, I’m not sure we can apply the transitive property to “boring commercials” as they relate to “Bob Saget banged my mom.” Would need to see further calculations to support this argument.
Speaking of arguments for which a few more hard numbers would go a long way, it’s widely debated as to why Anquan Boldin retired from the Bills just weeks after joining. Some assert that the world has changed grimly since the signing, in a way that humanitarian Boldin just can’t ignore. Others argue that the Bills as an organization has changed grimly since the signing, in a way that guy-who-enjoys-winning Boldin just can’t ignore. While the truth is probably somewhere in the middle, Los Angeles Dodger fan Anthony asserts that the reason for his departure is that Anquan Boldin is clearly a racist.
Really opened my eyes. I never before considered that saying “hey, let’s treat black people nicely and not shoot them,” is in fact racist. I had been blind to the notion that “worrying about how we treat white people in every discussion about race” is not bizarrely pedantic, but a matter of rage-inducing urgency.
It’s not the only rage-inducing urgency football fans are experiencing. Le’veon Bell revealed his upcoming return to the field. This brought joy to many fans, both of the Steelers and of a decent fantasy RB pool in 2017. Pretty much everyone is happy to hear the news, except for Jas in Connecticut. Jas strongly believes that the Steelers should violate the collective bargaining agreement for petty revenge.
Yes, nothing teaches a lesson to players advocating for the sweat of their brow like tanking your organization’s chances of winning. Or maybe, the only way to win IS to not play at all, a viewpoint advocated by one Buckeye so strongly that they decided to post it in a fantasy football article comments section.
Truly, Nick has wisdom. If only there were some way to track and cheer on the success of entire football teams. Until then, I’ll just have to live up here in my fantasy world full of math arguments and angry Internet screaming.
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