The Degenerate’s Gambit: Week 10 NFL Gambling Lines with Tony

Welcome back to week 10 of The Degenerate’s Gambit! Before we get too far, I wanted to once again re-establish that these articles are for fun, and while I love writing them and gambling on football, if you or someone you know is addicted and needs help, please get help or get help for them. The national helpline number is 1-800-522-4700.

We are ten weeks in, and this year is a mess. We got key players out all over the league, half your fantasy team got traded last week, and worst of all: Dr. Oz lost his race to become America’s most prominent grifter doctor. This is America, what have we become? This country was founded on charlatans pretending to be regular people and using that to gain even more power than they had before!

Last week we went 2/4, including predicting a Lions’ upset of Green Bay, one of the last times future Libertarian Party candidate Aaron Rodgers can take his grandpappy’s Covid elixir into Detroit before the 2032 election. Fortunately for us, the woke mob caused Aaron to throw multiple interceptions in the red zone, and if you play the tape backward you can see the invisible hand of George Soros guide that passes directly into the hands of Aidan Hutchinson. Also, our 3 leg Sleeper parlay hit, which at the very least means we’ve broken even on the season.

My crack team for the Degenerate’s Gambit for this week, joining me as I bet 4 games for the soul of the nation: Lauren Boebert’s husband Jayson, and Herschel Walker! I bet the RADICAL LEFT will try to CANCEL ME since I’ve spent the better part of the last decade brainwashing kids to make sure they’re all red-blooded Americans!

Also, the inclusion of Jayson Boebert here means you can’t legally read this article within 250 feet of schools, playgrounds, or bowling alleys; so zip your pants up and let’s go!

Sleeper Parlay:

Amari Cooper Over 60.5 receiving yards
Saquon Barkley Over 0.5 rush TDs
Amon-Ra St. Brown Over 67.5 receiving yards

Chicago (-3) over Detroit

The NFL’s hottest offense, so hot it means that maybe these pants are comin’ off, faces off against a defense that could be best described as publicly indecent. Mr. Walker, who once again, is somehow within reach of being a sitting US Senator, has been frantically driving around my Chicagoland suburb trying to physically harm players on the Lions’ defense on my behalf. Go get ’em, tiger! I think this game is a high scoring one, but I don’t think Detroit has it in them to keep pace with Justin Fields and the suddenly ascending Bears.

New Orleans (-1.5) over Pittsburgh

This is less a vote of confidence towards the New Orleans Saints as it is a condemnation of the dumpster fire that is the Pittsburgh Steelers. They can’t run, they can’t throw, and all they can do is try to get George Pickens the ball and hope his death stare can create enough space for them to get into the end zone just once. On the other hand, Andy Dalton is fighting on behalf of the RED (haired) BLOODED AMERICANS that spent Tuesday lining up in front of polling stations in order to protect our God-given right to own, possess, and shoot Red Rifles as frequently as possible. Take the points, and use the proceeds to get a sick Punisher decal for your ankle bracelet. 

Cleveland vs Miami OVER 48.5

Dear reader, would it surprise you to find out that Jayson Boebert is a HUGE Deshaun Watson fan? While I am choosing to take the high road and not make the low-hanging fruit jokes, this game should feature more scoring than Herschel Walker with a 12-pack of morning-after pills! Tua, Tyreek, Jaylen Waddle, and Jeff Wilson Jr should be able to crush the Browns’ defense, and it’s not like the Dolphins’ defensive 11 can do much more than end up on the receiving end of some 2022 Nick Chubb or Amari Cooper highlight film.

LSPOTW: Arizona ML

Is Matthew Stafford going to play this week? To me, it doesn’t matter much. Arizona is certainly having a shitshow of a 2022 campaign, as Kliff Kingsbury continues to prove himself to be the Air Raid Matt Nagy just in time for us to laugh at his downfall on the HBO in-season Hard Knocks. However, on the other sideline, we find a team somehow more dysfunctional than the Cardinals in the Rams. Cooper Kupp and Aaron Donald are the only things this team has going for them, as Jalen Ramsey has animorphed from Pete Weber’s “Who do you think you are? I AM” to Roy Munson trying to milk a bull.

Now, I’m not much for conspiracy theories, but I think the sudden massive uptick in Mattress Firm stores in America was just a move to prepare us for the absolutely legendary amount of bed-shitting that the NFC West was going to do this year. Take Arizona to win straight up and let’s laugh all the way to Amish country with our winnings.


2022 Record: 20-44


Want more 2022 fantasy football discussion? Check out these links!


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