Carolina Panthers Viciously Hunt Giraffe

Animal rights activists are hootin’ about an alleged safari undertaken by the Carolina Panthers on Thursday Night. The NFC South first-place team cornered a wild Giraffe and threw him to the ground repeatedly.

The exotic animal, who no-doubt escaped from the nearby Houston Zoo, was touted before the savagery as “promising.” But things took a turn for the worse when someone had the idea to see how funny it would look giving the giraffe a football. Soon after, the entire situation had escalated into something the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals could only describe as, “a waste of our time, please stop emailing us about Davis Mills.”

Some sources speculate that the giraffe should not have even been paraded into the stadium. Others pointed out that the stadium was used before to show off such other animals as broncos, cardinals, and seahawks. Still others pointed out that this claim was impossible since there is no such animal as a seahawk. Even more others wondered if this would be covered by a fictional reporter with a funny name.

Our Football Absurdity field reporter, Mia Culpa, was on the scene. “These Panthers may have bitten off more than a mouthful of giraffe,” she explained via phone interview, “as officials are looking into whether it was a member of a subspecies classified as endangered. Two giraffe subspecies have been listed as Critically Endangered by the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) Red List of Threatened Species for the first time. See also Fauna of Africa copyright 2014 wikipedia dot com.”

But Culpa wasn’t our only boots on the ground. Football Absurdity scoop-finder Jerry Raff was also there, and said, “I don’t get it. It was just a football game. Are you making fun of my name or something?”

Well stated, Jerry, well stated indeed.

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