Welcome to NFL Hot Takes from Crazy People, the series where I dive into comments sections for articles about the NFL, go insane, drink a lot, sober up, drink a lot more, sober up to the point that I can kinda type, then share with you the choicest examples of ridiculousity.
But, enough about my artistic process. Let’s dive into these NFL hot takes (note: do not dive face-first):
From the Colts’ Facebook page.
It’s rare that two people can have completely opposite approaches to a problem, and yet both be completely wrong, but the above and below NFL hot takes pull it off. That’s Facebook!
From the Eagles’ Facebook page. I fully sympathize that Colts and Eagles fans are smarting after brutal upset losses. However, the key to winning more games is neither “practice less” nor “stop visiting sick children,” okay?
Moving to fantasy football: I love Gardner Minshew. You should all love Gardner Minshew: The last hope of Jacksonville. You should all love him, despite the fact that he clearly HATES your fantasy team and wants you to throw away your entire season.
Let’s get real for a minute: With a lot of NFL hot takes, anyone could go through Facebook or I.G. and pull them. As your self-appointed ambassador into madness, I feel it is my duty to push for more. Plus, I know the “one weird trick” to becoming an experienced comedy writer: I secretly hate myself.
I mean, it must be true. Why else would I go to this article titled:
On a website called:
And click “load more comments”? It’s the only logical explanation, right?
But I’m glad I did because, amidst the heaps of racist, sexist, and excessively-capitalized posts, I found this gem sprouting like a Gold Medal Rose in a giant pile of horse manure:
I’m honored that this person was generous enough to pause their amazing life. They did this to post a paragraph screed in a Fox News article that is not really focused on quarterbacks, so generous! In fact, I was so glad, I took the time to return the favor by correcting the grammar and spelling of their Rhodes Scholar, Harvard PhD-level work:
Still, it stands alone as a non-racist, non-sexist NFL hot takes superstar post. All we (special thanks to article co-researcher Bryan Sclar) had to do was wade through hundreds of posts like these:
Do I… see a pattern here? They only provided two vague anecdotes. In fact, the only data points they provided were “63,” “raised in Florida,” and “mad that black people are offended by the N-Word.”
Oh, wait, they’re right: I do see a pattern, here.
After seeing all those crude comments, I was more understanding of the drive-by that happened in the comments for this Tweet about Michael Thomas’ injury:
Huh. Also perplexing is the response to this Tweet about a potential Allen Robinson trade:
Finally, let’s end with a “high” note, by which I mean, “let’s get super depressed about humanity.” An awesome person in our Discord showed me a cool trick. You see, most of the bigger sports websites disabled commenting. However, their Facebook pages post the articles, which allows me a backend to the minds of madness. To wit, from this Sports Illustrated article about a broadcaster fired for suggesting a reporter was dressed like an adult film star:
This is why I quit my job as a lothario circus clown: Women always go for the juggler.
If this has you hankerin’ for some fantasy sports, for some bizarre and possibly FinDom-related reason, try out Fan Duel! That link lets them know we sent you! It also gets you $5 bonus cash to play with if you make a deposit.
[Photo Credit: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Allen_Robinson_and_Tarik_Cohen,_Jan_2019.jpg under cc-2.0]