2019 Super Bowl LIII Predictions from Comedians

2019 Super Bowl LIII Predictions

The Los Angeles Rams made it to the Super Bowl despite losing the popular vote. Now, the entire world will watch them square off against the New England Patriots, with one question burning everyone’s mind: What weird stunt are New Orleans fans going to pull? Storm the field in protest? Sean McVay gets served a lawsuit by a process server disguised as a referee? Or maybe the rarest possibility of all: They stop crying and shut up? Whatever happens, you can always turn to Football Absurdity’s 2019 Super Bowl LIII Predictions as your crystal ball that gazes into the future. Well, maybe we’re not exactly crystal clear… maybe like Korbel clear. On to our 2019 Super Bowl LIII predictions!

Mike Maxwell: Well, the Super Bowl is set and the entire United States feels like it just woke up with a Bachelor’s in Anthropology. What the hell are we supposed to do with this Super Bowl?! Tell our grandkids that this is what happens when you take away helmet to helmet collisions? Do a terrible  Nealon and Carvey impression whenever Gurley gets the ball? Watch it? I guess. Neither the Rams or Patriots belong in the title game. Sure it’s LA v. Boston but this is a reincarnation of Yankees v. Red Sox. Remember when the Yanks were the ‘Evil Empire’ and then Boston pooled all the Kennedy hush money into free agents and fought for it all? Yeah, that’s what we have now. A so-called ‘Evil Empire’ against the finest group of athletes the CBA can buy. When’s the Puppy Bowl start? What do I expect? Aside from McVay’s hair product and designer stubble to be on point? A close game, penalty called while Brady holds the ball with 1:38 left in the game, then one last TD to Gronk before he takes over all programming at Nickelodeon. Look the Pats may be evil to so many fans but you can’t deny the fact they built their pedigree, they didn’t go out trying to buy it.  My Super Bowl LIII Prediction: Patriots 27, Rams 23


Waleed Ismail:  He gazed up at the enormous face. Forty years it had taken him to learn what kind of smile was hidden beneath the dark hoodie. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! Two Bud Light-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Bill Belichick. My Super Bowl LIII Prediction: Patriots 62 Rams 3


Jeff Krisko: Look, the Patriots are the underdogs here, there are no two ways about it. They suck, they are terrible, and they stand no chance against the Rams. This is what Patriots fans think everyone believes. In reality, they were in the top-five in points scored (#4), turnover margin (#3), and yards from scrimmage (#5). Their defense is no slouch either, as they were one of just eight teams to allow fewer than three touchdowns per game in the regular season. They’re in regular, old Patriots form, ready to steamroll everything. Even Gronk stopped dying for like, 30 seconds, to help them beat the Chiefs. Last week’s OT victory showed that ultimately, nothing matters. It doesn’t matter that the Chiefs offense was one of the most potent offenses of all time, they scored seven points through the first three quarters last week. It doesn’t matter that they scored 24 points in the fourth quarter to send it to OT. Tom Brady reassured us that fate is inescapable as he marched down the field while Tony Romo went full Yosemite Sam as the Three-Eyed Raven, screaming out the plays before they happened. Being able to read what the QB is reading and relaying what the play will be is impressive. Reading the tea leaves that free will is dead and the Patriots will win every Super Bowl from here to eternity, is not. It took the Rams a massively blatant missed DPI call to get past the Saints, who stumbled and fell down the stretch. The Patriots are better than the Saints. My Super Bowl LIII Prediction: Patriots 34, Rams 28


Will Button: The Patriots walked away from their thrilling matchup in Kansas City the victors, showing off their strengths in the play calling department by exploiting a lackluster Chiefs defense. Brady and crew isn’t the worry in this Superbowl matchup; it’s their defense. After keeping Kansas City scoreless in the first half, they allowed Mahomes and company to put up 31 points, 24 of which came in the fourth quarter. This can be worrisome against a Rams offense that has won their last 18 games when leading at the half or later. Los Angeles has a strong offense that keeps the tempo up all game with a defense that can step up well against the best quarterbacks. Unfortunately for them, Brady is a monster in the playoffs. Their entire offense really steps up in the postseason every year, and Brady has been well protected by his offensive line. Sure, I want to see Los Angeles pull out a victory, and I get sick of seeing the Patriots win so consistently, but the fact is that the Brady/Belichick combo in the Superbowl is a dangerous thing. The Rams need to rely heavily on the run game, but the longer they play, the more information they feed to New England’s coaching staff. They’ll need a decent lead at the half to have any hope, and even if they have a two-possession lead, Brady is never out of it in the postseason. I want to be wrong, but I’m pretty sure I’m right. My Super Bowl LIII Prediction: Patriots 35, Rams 24


Evan Hoovler: The Dodge Angeles Rams face off against the New Jeepland Patriots in a match that pundits are calling, “the Battle of Bad Autos.” I predict an early ejection, as Rams upstart Nickell Robey-Coleman bashes his helmet into the entire Patriots sideline before the opening kickoff. The game script is obvious: Both teams will score touchdowns and field goals in an effort to finish with more points than their opponent. A tale as old as time. This game needs to be good, as the halftime show featuring a band headed by a pharmaceutical rep and the bad half of Outkast is going to underwhelm. So, for once in my life, I’m going to believe in something good. I’m an eternal pessimist, which means it’s good every time I’m wrong. But not this time. Rams will prevail, Patriots will descend to Hell in a ring of fire, Saints fans will cry that they should’ve gotten the trophy, and St. Louis natives will cry that they should have gotten the trophy. His will be done. My Super Bowl LIII Prediction: Rams 20, Patriots 17


Mike Valverde: The Lombardi trophy is imminent. This Sunday, the New England Patriots and Los Angeles Rams will battle for their claim to be called NFL champions. I am willing to bet that most of America didn’t think either of these teams would be here.

The Chiefs offense was supposed to take care of the elderly and poor road performing Pats. However, in overtime, Tom Brady took his team on the game-winning touchdown to prevail 37-31.

The Rams somehow were slithery enough to convince four or more referees that passing interference, face guarding, hit on a defenseless receiver, or even holding was no longer applicable in the rule book. They too would be victorious in overtime on a Greg Zuerlein 57-yard field goal (26-23).

Now that you know how they got here let’s look at the teams with fantasy football style lenses. What makes this Super Bowl unique is if you’re new to the game, you will be able to gobble a four-quarter meal of the difference between redraft and dynasty leagues.

Dynasty leagues allow an owner to keep their players on a longer duration if they so choose. The dynasty representative will be the Los Angeles Rams. Players like:

Jared Goff- has thrown for over 5,000 yards with 33 touchdowns and just 13 interceptions. You can aptly name Goff’s season as a tale of two halves. The first eight weeks he averaged two-touchdowns per contest and had four games with 300+ yards. The second-half, Goff did not toss a score in three of his eight games and another three where he didn’t put up over 200-yards passing. However, Goff plays in a tremendous offensive scheme led by Sean McVay and has great weapons around him. In fact, the Rams offense is first in the NFL with 31 point average per game over the last two seasons. Goff has also opened his game a bit more over the last few weeks, especially with his roll-outs and bootlegs.

Brandin Cooks- has 91 balls for 1,376 yards and six touchdowns. McVay will be cooking up something nice for the Cooks, and revenge will be on the wide receiver’s mind. Cooks became a Ram this season as the Patriots gave up their first and fourth for the speedster. He runs the deep-curl like a top-professional and runs crisp digs and crossing routes. He is one of the few wideouts that can be a playmaker in both long and intermediate routes. You rarely see players that have his speed catch 90 passes.

Robert Woods- caught 98 balls for 1,321 yards and seven touchdowns. I’m sure Woods is glad he found the Rams as he was languishing in Buffalo. Woods first four seasons in the frigid cold of New York was icy. The talented receiver could only bring down a stat line of 203-2451-10. Things began to pop once he hit the sunny west coast. Woods two-seasons in Los Angeles? 142-2000-11. You are going to see Woods run intermediate routes but can get deep as well. Watch for him as a blocker; he is key on the end-around plays.

Todd Gurley- has 1376-yards and 19 touchdowns in only 14 games played. Gurley, a key component in the passing game, catching 62-586-4. Lately, Gurley has been on a timeshare with CJ Anderson since his return from his knee injury. Acutely, its been more of a spell role for Anderson. The rotation should change for the Super Bowl. Gurley with the extra week rest and only just three carries against the Saints in the NFC Championship had some healing time. According to Gurley himself, “I’m fine, bro. We’ve been winning. I’m going to my first Super Bowl. I’m good.”

The Patriots are the redraft team in this championship battle, players such as:

Tom Brady- has thrown for 5,046 yards and just 31 touchdowns. Not great touchdown numbers for the first-ballot hall of famer. In the post-season, it has been the same song. Just two touchdowns. The passing yards have been there. What has been impressive about Brady has been his presence, football IQ, and leadership. It got New England into the Super Bowl against the Chiefs. Brady is extremely precise as his passing yards, and high completion rate indicate (65.8). However, the time is drawing near for his career to come to a close, and if New England can win one more this season, this very well could be his last hoorah.  

Rob Gronkowski- has caught 54 passes for 786 yards and three touchdowns this season. A very down year for “Gronk.” Injuries throughout his career have taken a toll. In his nine seasons, he has only been able to finish all 16 games just twice — his first two seasons in the league. But the athletic marvel can still bring it. He tore up the Chiefs for 6-79. Gronkowski does it all too. Considered the best blocking tight end by many, he still can lower the boom in that department. Watch him as much as you possibly can, because perhaps the greatest tight end to ever play, will probably hang them up after the year comes to a close.

Julian Edelman- has 90 receptions for 1,097 yards and six touchdowns. A nice season even though he only played 12 games due to a PED suspension. In the two playoff games, Edelman has been himself as well, catching 16 balls for 247-yards.  Edelman will continue to be a key target for Brady. How can he not be? He runs almost every route on the tree and performs them at a high-level. You will most likely see how dangerous he is on slants and seems. At only 5’10” and 190 Edelman absorbs contact very well and has sticky fingers.

Sony Michel- carried the rock 262 times for 1,173 yards and 11 touchdowns. Michel’s rookie season was a solid one. In the two playoff games, Michel’s talent has been on display. Eclipsing the century mark twice and scoring five times (an NFL record for rookies in a single playoff year) on 53 attempts. Look for the Patriots to use Michel as clock management and keeping the explosive offense of the Rams off the field. The better he runs the chances increase for a New England victory. Don’t expect much of anything from Michel when it comes to catching the ball. Michel had only eight receptions on the season.

James White- has 100 carries for 448 yards and five touchdowns. White also has shown his prowess in catching the ball out of the backfield with 106 receptions for 897 yards and seven touchdowns. As much as Michel is the runner, White is a receiver. With that said, don’t discount White’s running ability. His 4.48 yards per carry is a testament. White would be more of a bell-cow if he had a bigger frame (5’10” and 205 pounds). The Rams will need to buckle up for White. Los Angeles was burned by Alvin Kamara in underneath routes most of the game. Brady could dial that up early to test defenders Mark Barron, Cory Littleton, and John Johnson. Pay special attention to the wheel-routes and fades.

Some Super Bowl fun facts:

  • Tom Brady has been to nine Super Bowls, three times as many as the whole Rams team. RB C.J. Anderson (Denver, 2015), CB Sam Shields (Green Bay, 2010) and DB Aqib Talib (Denver, 2015).
  • Nine Super Bowl starts by Brady. John Elway (with five) is the only other QB with more than four.
  • Gurley has had thirteen multiple-touchdown rushing performances since 2015. In that span, no other NFL RB has more than eight.
  • Twenty fake-punt passes that Rams punter Johnny Hekker has attempted in his seven-year career, including playoffs. He has completed 12, for 168 yards and one TD. Last week at New Orleans, he completed a fake-punt throw for 12 yards for a crucial LA first down.
  • Twenty-nine playoff games Patriots PK Stephen Gostkowski has appeared in. Among all NFL players, only three have played in more: Brady (39), Adam Vinatieri (32) and Jerry Rice (29).
  • McVay turned 33 last Thursday, making him the youngest head coach in Super Bowl history. He’s exactly half the age of New England’s Brian Belichick, who at 66 would be the oldest winning Super Bowl coach with a win Sunday.

Super Bowl LIII will take place on Sunday, February 3, 2019. Kickoff time is 6:30 p.m. ET. It will take place at Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta, on CBS. You can stream it live through its Sports website and mobile apps. My Super Bowl LIII Prediction: Rams 30, Patriots 27


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