The Patriots have dominated the AFC East for 150 million years, ever since Brady & Belichick emerged from the primordial ooze. However, for the first time since Brady’s torn ACL, cracks appeared in the armor this offseason. Did the rest of the teams in the AFC East do enough to come for the king? What’s the exact opposite of yes? Is it no? Because if so, no. They absolutely did not. They are just hoping the Patriots fall apart sooner rather than later.
The Buffalo Bills
The Bills, despite all their own best efforts last season, made the playoffs. It was astounding to watch a team so used to coming up just short in the big spot come up just short of tanking spectacularly. Since that happened, they certainly made moves. Moves were made, and that is the most generous descriptor of the Bills offseason. They ditched good-not-great QB Tyrod Taylor for the mystery box, A.J. McCarron. Their moves could generously be described as “depth” moves, but more accurately, they’re more “deck chairs on the Titanic” moves.
The Miami Dolphins
After jettisoning Jay Ajayi last season in the name of “culture change,” the Dolphins rid themselves of Ndamukong Suh, Mike Pouncey, and Jarvis Landry. Apparently, the culture they wanted to change as the one wherein they have any chance of potentially being interesting in 2018, I guess. They added a collection of guys that your Madden team adds when you accidentally sim free agency, with the same lack of rhyme or reason. They now have Brock Osweiler, David Fales, Frank Gore, Albert Wilson, Danny Amendola and Robert Quinn. This goes alongside the 49ers flicking them Daniel Kilgore to replace Mike Pouncey, and the Dolphins snatching up Josh Sitton should improve their line. All-in-all, they’ve already given up on 2018.
The New England Patriots
Boy, oh boy. The Patriots, who are usually tight-lipped as all get out have had more inexplicable medical-related twists and turns than Gray’s Anatomy season 64. This is seemingly out of nowhere, as the regime has always executed dissidents to keep their aura of aloof superiority alive. Their actual moves are typical Bill Belichick tweaking the roster to try to win in a new way. They let Danny Amendola go but replaced him with Jordan Matthews and Cordarelle Patterson. Dion Lewis is a Titan, but they snagged Jeremy Hill. They bounced Malcolm Butler from the Super Bowl and roster but replaced him with Jason McCourty. All this and Brandon Bolden returns for his 300th season with the Pats. For the fifth straight season, this may be the beginning of the end for the Patriots.
The New York Jets
The Jets definitely made moves. They made a bunch of them, in fact. Oh, I’m sorry, you asked if they did anything of value for 2018? I mean, they’re the Jets. What do you think? Shout out to all the Isaiah Crowell and Terrelle Pryor truthers out there, but the Jets ownership cracked their knuckles on free agency and decided they needed not one, not two, but three pieces of that 1-15 2016 Cleveland Browns squad (they re-signed Ivan Drago stunt double Josh McCown). Thomas Rawls will be fine until his knee explodes, and the shrapnel causes new QB Teddy Bridgewater’s upper leg to slide off his lower leg again. Their good move this offseason (signing Trumaine Johnson) almost undoes how hilarious their biggest bit of offseason news: that Robby Anderson drove 105 in a 45, ran multiple lights, was combative with police and threatened to… copulate with the officer’s wife and come to completion in her orbital socket… completely sober. Unfortunately for Jets fans, they’ll need to be drunk to endure their 2018 faster-than-hell, expletive-laden, slow-motion car wreck.