<Steps out under light-bulb marquee which reads “NFL Hot Takes Award Night 2017.” Straightens bowtie. Glances nervously at crotch before remembering that Gonnhorea doesn’t show on outside of pants. Audience applauds.>
Hello! Welcome to this year’s NFL hot takes awards show, where we give awards in many totally-not-written-after-the-fact categories. By coincidence, all of the winners of this yearly award were from this very week! We’ve got lots of awards for all kinds of NFL hot takes, so let’s kick it off!
The Award for “Most Bafflingly Ambiguous Political Jab Shoehorned into a Football Article”
From NFL.com’s Saints Can Make History with Turnover-Free Game
The Award for “Most Basic Joke about the Carolina Panther’s Fan Punching Video that Somebody Still Managed to Not Get”
From Yahoo Sports Ugly Fight in Stands Mars Panthers Game
The award for “Most Well-Buried Lede about Gay Fetishes in an NFL Football Article”
The Award for “Most Embarrassing Fantasy Football Mistake that I Am Only Making Fun of Because I Have Probably Done It, Too”
From CBS Sports Week 6 Fantasy Football Rankings. (Note: AJ Green is on bye, this week).
The Award for “Poster Who Is Most Likely in Desperate Need of Schizophrenia Medication”
The Award for “Comment by a Poster I Most Hope Has the Least Contact with Women”
From NFL.com’s Jerry Jones: Ezekiel Elliott Court Ruling a Setback
The Award for “Burn of the Week of the Year”
From ESPN’s NFL Decides to Keep Game in Oakland, Monitor Air Quality
Thanks for coming to the 2017 NFL Hot Takes awards. Tune in next week, when we give out more awards for the year 2017, thus rendering tonight’s awards way less meaningful!