The NFL kicked off its wonderful Thursday Night Football slate (with Sunday Night Football presentation) with the reigning champs, riding high on an off-season of 28-3 memes, ready to slaughter the designated sacrifice, the Kansas City Chiefs. Things didn’t go exactly as planned for Touchdown Tom and Billy B, as the Chiefs kicked them in the teeth and refused to roll over. Alex Smith had 350 yards and four touchdowns. Alex Smith had 350 yards and four touchdowns. ALEX SMITH HAD THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY YARDS AND FOUR TOUCHDOWNS… And just like we all thought, the Chiefs stomped the Patriots.
While Thursday Night Football is usually spectacularly awful nonsense due to the short week, this game was spectacular. That having been said, the game did not escape without its own fits of failure. Here are the top five moments of insanity or futility you may have missed:
5. NATIONAL ANTHEM PROTEST WATCH
Marcus Peters sat during the National Anthem, and nobody else did. Al Michaels was audibly annoyed with having to tell us all that.
4. THINGS IN THE FIRST HALF THAT HAPPENED AS MANY OR MORE TIMES AS TRAVIS KELCE CATCHES
Travis Kelce is one of the best tight ends in the NFL, topped by only the guy who played opposite him tonight. He had one catch at the half. Here are the things that matched or exceeded that count in the first half:
Pats RBs who had multiple snaps on their first drive (3)
Kareem Hunt fumbles, his second in nearly 900 touches (1)
Chris Hogan carries (3)
Travis Kelce Wildcat snaps (1)
The other Chiefs Travis Tight End catches (1)
Patriots penalty-erased touchdowns (2)
Dumb bad Kansas City punt plays (2)
Alex Smith self-sacks (1)
3. ALEX SMITH CHANNELS HIS INNER REX “SEX DRAGON” GROSSMAN
Alex Smith promoted to Admiral Checkdown in the first half, with most of his passes going less than twenty feet in the air to start the game. Then he cracked open Patrick Mahomes and absorbed his big armed power. Let this excited Chiefs fan fill you in:
2. TOM BRADY DOESN’T KNOW WHERE THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE IS
You’re not supposed to get an inch over the line of scrimmage when you pass. Tom Brady was literally a yard over the line of scrimmage because he was paying such great attention.
1. WHAT IS THIS REF WATCHING?
Every scoring play is reviewable, and this is done hundreds of miles away from tonight’s game in New York. Yet after Rob Gronkowski scored a touchdown (later ruled a drop), the NFL couldn’t let a marketing opportunity pass them by. This referee had a full-screen shot of him for several seconds watching the play. Why? I’m sure the brand on the side of the box had nothing to do with it. No siree.
And since this game was actually good and light on farcical comedy, I’ll leave you with the best sight you could see tonight. “We’re on to New Orleans”
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