Scientists at Football Absurdity Labs released a stunning research paper earlier today. By carefully simulating the NFL season, they were able to conclusively determine that this year’s biggest fantasy football leap forward will be made by every single player.
The simulation began as all do: The time-tested method of cloning NFL players into tiny versions of themselves. These half-inch halfbacks are then given a scientifically measured amount of street amphetamines. All the positions are, really, but “half-inch halfbacks” was too juicy for this reporter to pass on.
Then, the mini-players were placed in an adorable tiny football stadium from the American Girl Dolls collection. They played out every game in the NFL season at 5x the normal speed. But why are we focusing on the methodology? Everyone always focuses on the tiny clone slave aspect and never seems to care about the results!
The results were that every player showed statistical improvement in at least one category. The most common area of improvement was an average of 6.25% increase in the “number of games played” stat. In fact, 6.25% seemed to be the sweet spot in terms of most players’ total statistical increase. Scientists did not bother to compute averages, claiming that said figures were better left to “Twitter nerds.”
The strategy to maximize these findings is quite obvious: Simply draft every player. Now, there are those who say that drafting every player is impossible. Those nay-sayers should be pointed towards auction, or “salary cap” style drafts, where it is possible to get any player.
Time will tell how these revolutionary findings will affect mock drafts. Many experts speculate that every player will be drafted higher, meaning that drafts should end several rounds early.
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