Jordan Reed Injured While Announcing Retirement

A career cut short by repeated injuries is a tragedy that should not provoke humor. That said: Shredded lettuce has a less-abused head than he does.

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A career with so many tragedies even Shakespeare would be jealous has come to a close. Longtime Washington tight end Jordan Reed announced his retirement, Tuesday. He spent parts of seven seasons on the field, showing exceptional athletic prowess.

The announcement was not without its own misstep. While taking to the podium, Reed tripped. Reaching out to catch himself, Reed grabbed onto the edge of a clipboard sitting on the podium. This flung the clipboard and the 100 notecards on which Reed had written his retirement speech, high into the air. The fluttering paper was intercepted by a low-flying flock of seagulls (the band, not the birds).

The four members of the band came tumbling down, as flying is very difficult for humans. Lead singer Mike Score spilled hard onto Jordan Reed. Fortunately, Jordan Reed’s head did not come into contact with Score. Unfortunately, the collision caused Reed to stumble off the front of the stage. Fortunately, the lone reporter covering the incident broke his fall. Unfortunately, the reporter had just shoved 100 unrelated notecards into his mouth. The resulting expulsion of air caused the notecards to shoot into the sky.

Jordan Reed, Man!

At this time, the newly lofted notecards interfered with a flock of seagulls (the birds, not the band). One seagull angrily nose-dived at Jordan Reed. In the resulting collision, Reed suffered a small scratch on his nose. No bandage was needed.

More on Jordan Reed never, because he retired!

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