The Browns hosted the Jets on Thursday Night Football, so close your eyes and picture one of the scenes where Benny Hill chases the pretty ladies through the doors in the hallways, and you can pretty much imagine how things went on Thursday Night Football this week. Tyrod Taylor sucked, Sam Darnold sucked, and…BAH GOD, IS THAT BAKER MAYFIELD’S MUSIC? Baker “Don’t Call Me Johnny Manziel” Mayfield came in and absolutely energized the Browns en route to a Marc Sessler spooky prediction coming true:
Even better, it evolved into a pretty good football game! AND THE BROWNS ACTUALLY WON A GAME AFTER 635 DAYS. SIX HUNDRED. THIRTY FIVE. DAYS. They last won the day before Christmas in 2016. Holy moly.
Thursday Night Farceball is here to highlight the weird, wacky, and wild in Thursday Night Football this week (weirder than the Browns winning a game). I spent three hours of my life that I can never get back watching two awful teams play football so that you didn’t have to.
FOR REF-ERENCE, THIS IS DPI
This was not called for defensive pass interference, which means actual DPI is not DPI, but normal defense is DPI. Don’t worry, the refs don’t know what’s what, either.
WILD ANIMALS AT THE FACTORY OF SADNESS
This didn’t even make it onto the broadcast, but thankfully I spend the entire run of the game on Twitter dot com to ensure that I have everything I need to aggregate content ensure our readers get a full feel of the game’s events. I don’t even know what to say about this one, except he probably would have taken fewer sacks than Tyrod Taylor.
THE FIRST HALF WAS… BLEAK
This final statistic was at the half. Baker Mayfield came in after the two-minute warning. That tells you all you need to know about the first half of football.
ISAIAH CROWELL WITH A CRAPPY CELEBRATION
He should have just used the flag they threw for this; it probably wouldn’t have been as harsh on his rear end.
RUMBLE BIG MAN RUMBLE
Ultimately, this play didn’t count (thanks, Holly Roller), but Joel Bitonio rumbling for a near-first down on a fumble is exactly what Thursday Night Farceball is all about.
My God, the Browns are fun now.
The first half of this game was one of the worst things I’ve ever put into my eyeballs, and I’ve been on the internet since Goatse was a thing. Baker Mayfield came in and the football gods smiled upon the faithful who passed their bad football test. They will continue to smile upon their flock, with an NFC Championship preview next week, as the Vikings host the Rams.