30 Team Parlay: Over/Under NFL Gambling Advice for Week 1

Over/Under NFL Gambling Advice for Week 1

Hey Guys, sorry for the lag! I had every intention of doing two articles this week, and then the Bears traded for Khalil Mack, and i’ve been in an orgasmic coma for 5 days. I came out of that coma, and stepped on glass. It’s been a realiy up and down week for me.

Anyway, instead of trying to throw together 11,000 words together on Over/Under team wins gambling advice, i’m just gonna do a quick rundown of the remaining divisions, so I can get down to NFL gambling advice for week 1:


AFC North

Baltimore Ravens Over/Under NFL Gambling Advice for Week 1

2017 Wins: 9

2018 Under/Over: 8

My Pick: Under

Why is this team a sexy sleeper pick? Unless Lamar Jackson skins Joe Flacco and starts wearing his skin around Silence of the Lambs style, the team is still quarterbacked by…wait for it…Joe Flacco. Flacco made every opposing defense look like world beaters. It doesn’t help that the team considers running backs unnecessary. And why would they? It’s not like they need to take the pressure off their quarterback when he’s wobbling ten yard out patterns to Michael Crabtree all season. No, seriously, enjoy the fact that you overdrafted Kenneth Dixon in your fantasy league every time he runs on first and second down, leaving the team on 3rd and 7 every damn series. Greek orgies move more efficiently than the Ravens offense.


Cleveland Browns Over/Under NFL Gambling Advice for Week 1

2017 Wins: 0

2018 Under/Over: 5.5

My Pick: Over

The Browns didn’t really get better in the offseason. Their coach is 1-31 over the past two seasons. They already had to cut a player they signed in the offseason due to a white people crime. Josh Gordon has turned into the Leap Year of players. Tyrod Taylor is bringing his tired, efficient horseshit to Cleveland until Baker Mayfield shows up to be distractingly handsome while throwing 3 interceptions a week.

The problem is, the rest of this Thelma and Louise climax of a division has gotten worse. This division has 7-9 division winner written all over it.


Cincinnati Bengals Over/Under NFL Gambling Advice for Week 1

2017 Wins: 7

2018 Under/Over: 6.5

My Pick: Over

I initially had them listed as under. But this division is butt, and the Bengals defense might actually be pretty good. The defense might actually get 40 sacks this year just in this division chasing around the rotund Ben Roethlisberger, the redheaded and therefore soulless Andy Dalton, and whoever is getting murdered behind the Browns offensive line. Joe Mixon is still a garbage human being but at this point it’s the NFL: we might have to come to terms with the fact that while we watch these guys slowly murder each other, some bad apples are gonna be in the mix.


Pittsburgh Steelers Over/Under NFL Gambling Advice for Week 1

2017 Wins: 13

2018 Under/Over: 10.5

My Pick: Under

Speaking of garbage humans! This entire team needs to just walk headlong into the Allegheny River. Just because Ben Roethlisberger is now shaped like the average Golden Corral customer doesn’t mean we forget about his past. The offensive line has turned on Le’veon Bell for holding out to get paid like a guy who is the best at his position. The entire city of Pittsburgh is just a bunch of people who like to feel like they are unified as a city because their teams wear the same colors. Spoiler alert: the Pirates are destined to be a 4th place team for-damn-ever and the Steelers secretly wish Bill Cowher would strike Mike Tomlin down like the vengeful god they pretend he is.

And Primanti Brothers is overrated. Congrats. It’s a tourist trap now. Might as well open up a Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. right next to every location.


NFC West

Arizona Cardinals Over/Under NFL Gambling Advice for Week 1

2017 Wins: 8

2018 Under/Over: 5.5

My Pick: Under

Sam Bradford is made of balsa wood and nobody can make me believe otherwise. Josh Rosen is Cade Mcnown with better PR. David Johnson is gonna pull a Le’veon Bell and bolt the first opportunity he can. Larry FItzgerald should just go off into the sunset and make a poorly rated buddy comedy movie with Antonio Gates.

I can’t find six wins on this schedule. They play the Raiders this season in what might end up being their best chance to score more than 17 points in a game. If only they could have found a guy to shore up their defense. A Tyron Matthieu type of guy who can play all over the field. It’s a shame they couldn’t find a guy like that.

San Francisco 49ers Over/Under NFL Gambling Advice for Week 1

2017 Wins: 6

2018 Under/Over: 8.5

My Pick: Under

I mean, someone has to win games in this division. But, the team has no idea how to score in the red zone. Prom night virgins have better luck scoring than Jimmy Garappolo. Their first string running back went down with an ACL injury and wasn’t a lead running back in the first place. Alfred Morris is gonna be the starting running back, because apparently spending two seasons as a change of pace backup for the Cowboys earns you that nowadays. Everyone gave the Bears shit for moving up to take Mitch Trubisky, but do you know who the 49ers took right after they “fleeced” the Bears? Exactly, nobody does, because Solomon Thomas has done nothing to merit being a first round pick, let alone the third pick in the draft. People are already breathlessly producing articles and videos espousing how the 49ers should maximize Thomas. He was drafted third, boners, he should be a line terrorizer in that spot.

John Lynch would be Roger Goodell’s ultimate fine boner if he played in the league today.

Seattle Seahawks Over/Under NFL Gambling Advice for Week 1

2017 Wins: 9

2018 Under/Over: 8

My Pick: Under


Eat shit, Pete Carroll. By referencing him, I’ve already given him more space than any 9/11 truther deserves. You know for a fact that this guy secretly rubs himself at night to old Alex Jones videos. You know the joy we all felt when the Eagles beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl last year, because the Patriots are filled with the worst human beings ever, and are cheered for by a somehow more lowbrow version of that? Well, the Seahawks blew their opportunity to do that by NOT HANDING THE DAMN BALL OFF! Jesus, just hand the ball off to Marshawn Lynch.

YES I’M STILL PISSED ABOUT THIS. We, as a society, should carry no greater joy than bathing in the tears of Patriots fans.

Anyway, the offensive line sucks. The defense is aging and also sucks. They used a first round draft pick on a running back who went full Eddie Lacy the moment he was drafted. Earl Thomas is the only guy who tried to hold out for a contract this summer then didn’t have the balls to call the team’s bluff. Let this team die on the vine.

Los Angeles Rams Over/Under NFL Gambling Advice for Week 1

2017 Wins: 11

2018 Under/Over: 9.5

My Pick: Over

Flat out terrifying. This is the team you root for if you want calamitous violence and the concept of leaving quarterbacks in body bags gives you a murder erection. On paper, this team is as complete as you are gonna find in the NFL this season. Their coach decided not to play his starters in the preseason, which means this team is still gonna somehow start 1-3 or 2-2 before ripping off like 7 straight wins. They have literally nobody standing in their way in this division. They should theoretically win the division by Thanksgiving.

I can’t wait for this team to lose in the playoffs to whatever 6 seed sneaks into the playoffs. God I hope it’s the Giants.


AFC West

Denver Broncos Over/Under NFL Gambling Advice for Week 1

2017 Wins: 5

2018 Under/Over: 7

My Pick: Over


Why not? This defense probably won’t be bad, and even a baseline level of competence at quarterback should make this a .500 team. That said, I secretly hope this team fails, so that horse toothed bastard running this team will have to eventually be fired by the team that was only ever really relevant because he was the quarterback in the first place. This team probably shouldn’t be good, and it’s all on John Elway’s shoulders because he is in charge of the backroom abortion that has been the last few years of Broncos drafts. Let’s take a look at his greatest hits over the past two years.



1st round: Paxton Lynch. Anytime you can draft a quarterback who is so bad that Trevor Siemian kept him off the field, and then have to cut him in favor of Chad Kelly, you gotta pull the trigger. Seriously. Lynch last two seasons. As a first round pick.

2nd round: Adam Gotsis. Already dodged a rape charge this summer. So he’s got that going for him.



2nd round: DeMarcus Walker. I’m not sure if he was good or not. To be honest, there isn’t much about him online. He might not actually exist.

3rd round: Carlos Henderson. Made it about a week before tearing his thumb and going on injured reserve. Didn’t bother to show up to camp this year and ended up getting suspended for substance abuse issues.

That’s some damn fine draftin’ right there, John. Damn fine.


Kansas City Chiefs Over/Under NFL Gambling Advice for Week 1

2017 Wins: 10

2018 Under/Over: 8.5

My Pick: Under

I was ready to buy-in on this team going into the preseason. Then, in their main tune up game in the preseason, when they ran all the starters for an entire half of football, they got shut down by a team fielded by Chicago Bears backups. That should be a massive, massive red flag. Patrick Mahomes has started one NFL game, so picture me a bit skeptical that this can be the team. Tyreek Hill should still be good and Travis Kelce is still a great tight end. But this team might be a Rolls Royce being driven by a toddler.

LA Chargers Over/Under NFL Gambling Advice for Week 1

2017 Wins: 9

2018 Under/Over: 9.5

My Pick: Over

This team deserves the fact that they have no fans anymore in a city that doesn’t give a shit about them, for if no other reason than the fact that they didn’t consider the kicker position to be important enough last season to get someone competent in until it was too late, giving us that crappidy-ass Buffalo Bills team in the playoffs last year. There is a wayyyyyyyy better than zero percent chance that the Chargers would have been in the AFC Championship game last season if they had made the playoffs. I think they win the division this year. This division isn’t good, and it will probably only take 8 wins to win the entire division, but the Chargers are probably gonna fall backwards into ten wins anyway.

Oakland Raiders Over/Under NFL Gambling Advice for Week 1

2017 Wins: 6

2018 Under/Over: 8

My Pick: Under

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha you guys traded your best player hahahahahahahahahahaha because your dipshit bowl cutted owner can’t afford to move his team hahahahahahaha and your Hooters-loving, out of touch, 100 million dollar coach has no idea what he’s doing hahahahahahahahahaha and you dummies actually gave a second round pick back to the Bears hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!


Onto my season picks for NFL gambling:

So here is how the season is going to work. I’m giving you the same bets i’m gonna make. I make bets every week on football, and i’m gonna give you a glimpse of the moves i’m making. Never, EVER bet money you don’t have. Never overstep your means. If you wanna bet, and you can only afford to bet five dollars, then you never bet 10. I’m telling you from experience. Never get out over your skies. Never get too far ahead of yourself. Be smart. I’m here to help.

Every week, i’m gonna give some straight bets, and some parlays. These are the bets I want to make. If you want to make money, then set limits for yourself. Set a goal for the amount of money you want to win in a season, and make your bets in terms of what your goals are.

There is no need to be making massive 10 team parlays that are long shot odds to hit if you are just trying to double or triple your money over the course of the year.

And for the love of god, i’m not responsible for your losses. You are adults here. So let’s do it.


2018 Prop Bets for NFL Gambling


Philip Rivers +2500

He might throw for 4500 yards and 35 touchdowns this year. If the Chargers get to 11 wins, he absolutely can win the award.


Kareem Hunt + 10000

As stated before, I have zero faith in their quarterback, and expect them to lean pretty heavily on their running game and screen passes. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that Hunt could put up 1200 rushing yards, 70 receptions for 700 yards, and about a dozen touchdowns.


Most Passing Yards

Andrew Luck +2200

They sure as hell aren’t running the ball. I’ve played the “Marlon Mack as your fantasy running back” game and can say with confidence that he sucks.


Most Rushing Yards

Todd Gurley +700

Don’t overthink it.


Most Receiving Yards

TY Hilton +2000

See the Andrew Luck bet.


Offensive Rookie of the Year

Chase Edmonds +15000

I’m making a small bet on this just for the pure fact of: If David Johnson goes down with a season ending within the first month of the season, 12 games will be enough for Edmonds to prove himself and put up enough numbers to win. Total longshot.


Week One NFL Gambling Bets

5 Team Parlay

Bills +7.5, Texans +6.5, Titans -1.5, Chargers -3.5, Rams -4.5.

Odds: 24 to 1


10 Team Parlay

Bills +7.5, Texans +6.5, Titans -1.5, Chargers -3.5, Rams -4.5, Colts -2.5, Bears +7.5, Jets +6.5, Giants +3, Redskins +1.5

Odds: 522 to 1


Straight Up NFL Gambling Bets

Titans -1.5

Rams -4.5

Chargers -3.5


Good Luck and happy gambling!

For more NFL gambling advice, read these:

30 Team Parlay: NFC South Overs/Unders

30 Team Parlay: AFC East Overs/Unders

30 Team Parlay: NFC East Overs/Unders

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