The celebratory debauchery should be almost washed away in Philly and now it’s on to the dreaded business side of the game for 31 teams who failed last year. If your team is one in the top ten of the NFL Draft then it’s safe to say you have little hope going into next season too. And nothing screams hope like 2018 NFL Free Agency Quarterbacks.
Fear not! Hope is alive and in the form of free agency and the draft. Maybe you hope that your anemic team will draft another high profile dud from USC, or the next primadonna from UCLA, or go Wentz 2.0 and pick a ranch hand QB out of a state you’ll never visit, Wyoming. If you’re a Jets fan it’ll probably be the even less filtered Johnny Football reboot.
There’s plenty of proven and inflated talent out there to take the helm at QB for a couple years. The right moves can make or break seasons and careers. Most decisions are either made with their brain, heart, or their ass. Let’s speculate those moves for our QB’s on the move (that means no Brees).
Kirk Cousins: He’s recently mentioned it’s down to four teams, Arizona, Denver, Minnesota, and NY Jets.
Brain: Minnesota. Logic says, pick the team one win from the Super Bowl. It’s a lazy thought to think one could’ve won the backup bowl of 2017. That being said less than a Super Bowl is regressing, which is just hilarious since this is about the Vikings.
Heart: Denver. Apparently, America loves a good reboot. Why can’t Elway reboot his Manning experience with Kirk? Here’s to hoping this wouldn’t be another uncomfortable ‘Odd Couple.’
Ass: NY Jets. If Cousins takes the pile of cash from the Jets that will show his true colors. Which is fine, just be sure to high five Ndamukong Suh on the way to the teller window.
Case Keenum: His amazing year was as if we got to see Kurt Warner’s little brother get a shot to prove the world wrong too. We’ve probably seen the peak.
Brain: Minnesota! GO HOME! ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YOUR HOME?! It’s Minnesota, another cow pie will probably hit the fan in week 5 so he’ll run the show again.
Heart: Arizona. They could make their alternate jerseys in silver like the duct tape this season long hail mary would be for Larry Fitzgerald. Maybe David Johnson will stay healthy and the NFC West can continue to be the epicenter of mediocrity.
Ass: Buffalo. The runt of the NFL is where there’d be playing time, playoff potential, and a history of crapping their own pants.
Teddy Bridgewater: Ol’ Teddy One Leg is set to prove the world he’s ready to compete again. He and Andrew Luck should consider forming a QB Voltron and actually being functional next season.
Brain: Arizona. Look it’s the state of retirement and as Teddy’s on the verge, he may as well get his long term plans in place.
Heart: Minnesota. He stays at a hometown/recovery discount and becomes Case 2.0 if Cousins gets hurt.
Ass: NY Jets. I think even Kevin Arnold has given up on this franchise. Quarterbacks for the Jets have the same career trajectory as a Trump administration member.
Sam Bradford: Remember that road trip you took where just about anything could go wrong with the car? Yeah that’s Bradford’s career. He’s constantly on the side of the road just after he puts the pedal to the metal.
Brain: Anyone, ok, I’ll be nice. San Diego. Sam, let’s be honest, can it get any sweeter than holding a clipboard in southern California?
Heart: Buffalo. This franchise needs a leader who’s jersey is lined with Teflon. There’s never a smooth season in Buffalo, or the NFL for that matter. Signing a reluctant gunslinger worked before why not now?
Ass: Minnesota. The Vikings are the nerdy girl who takes her glasses off at the end of the movie when she gains full confidence. The dude at her side almost always gets dumped.
AJ McCarron: Yeah, AJ is out of backup purgatory and you know what the market is like for a guy like him?! He’s Diet Case Keenum, but without the journeyman experience. AJ is perhaps this year’s Mike Glennon, but with a spine.
Brain: Denver. Hmm, how’d it work last time AJ played QB for a team who’s defense ran the show and made mice of men?
Heart: Jets. New York needs a confident, not brash QB to come in and not have their head up their center’s rear. A top 10 pick can land the Jets another weapon or O-line help can easily allow for the Jets to compete for the second best QB in the AFC East.
Ass: Buffalo. The Bills will be 2018’s version of the 2017 NY Giants. An inflated team that looked impressive, turned heads, all while being held together by duct tape. It’d be great to have the Bill back as an AFC threat, but it’s just foolish to expect it this season.