Here are the Week NINE(!) definitive power rankings for the NFL. Don’t bother with any of these other guys. Only these rankings are 100% correct, accurate, triple sourced, locally grown, non-GMO and completely 100% organic. And don’t come to me with, “oh team x beat team y, why are they higher?” or “team z lost this week why did they move up the ranks?” This isn’t about wins, this isn’t about losses, this isn’t any sort of logical, thought-out process. It’s a little something I like to call the gut. Maybe you’ve heard of it?
| Rank | Last Week | Team | Thoughts |
| 1 | 1 | Philadelphia Eagles | They held the Niners to fewer points this week than either team in the World Series game Sunday. And they just got Jay Ajayi |
| 2 | 3 | Kansas City Chiefs | WHO IS THIS QUARTERBACK IN THE ALEX SMITH JERSEY?! |
| 3 | 2 | New England Patriots | The defense we all thought was gonna stink is #ActuallyGood |
| 4 | 4 | Los Angeles Rams | I was working late on my Haftorah, when I heard a knock on my bedroom-doorah (BYE) |
| 5 | 5 | Seattle Seahawks | Russell Wilson is a magician, and they got Duane Brown to make his magic go further. |
| 6 | 14 | Jacksonville Jaguars | I opened it up and to my surprise, there was a werewolf standing there with glowing gold eyes (BYE) |
| 7 | 9 | Buffalo Bills | Crushed the Raiders dreams harder than their fans crush folding tables in the parking lot |
| 8 | 8 | Pittsburgh Steelers | It took a 97-yard JuJu Smith-Schuster touchdown to beat a Lions team that was in the red zone five times and came away with five field goals. Woof. |
| 9 | 12 | Houston Texans | In 1997, IBM’s Watson beat Garry Kasparov, in 2011, it won Jeopardy! In 2017 Deshaun Watson beat the Legion of Boom (but not the Seahawks) |
| 10 | 7 | Dallas Cowboys | Zeke’s suspension is the Michael Scott vasectomy of suspensions. |
| 11 | 10 | Atlanta Falcons | The offense is still so messy and would have lost to more than a handful of teams Sunday. |
| 12 | 11 | Carolina Panthers | Christian McCaffrey has been terrible as a runner, Cam has been terrible as a passer. |
| 13 | 13 | Washington Redskins | oh wow jordan reed is hurt again this is me being shocked me being surprised oh wow no way |
| 14 | 6 | Detroit Lions | Starting at offensive line for your Detroit Lions: A traffic cone, a beaded curtain, a turnstile, Stephen Hawking and an Argonaut who looked Medusa in the eyes. |
| 15 | 20 | New Orleans Saints | Their defense is way better than we thought. Oh when the Saints, go up to ten. Oh when the Saints go up to ten. |
| 16 | 17 | Minnesota Vikings | Losing Dalvin Cook was a mere hiccup, but they suddenly have a super-crowded QB room. |
| 17 | 16 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | Jameis is hurt and is going to crush this team. The picture of middle of the pack. |
| 18 | 19 | Cincinnati Bengals | You almost lost to Jake Brisket. |
| 19 | 21 | Tennessee Titans | He says tomorrow my son you will be a man, but tonights the time to join the wolfen clan (BYE) |
| 20 | 18 | Oakland Raiders | Maybe David would be an upgrade? |
| 21 | 22 | Los Angeles Chargers | No shame losing to the Pats. Much shame for going away from Melvin Gordon carrying the ball. |
| 22 | 15 | Denver Broncos | Trevor Siemian isn’t long for this team. Time for Colin Kaepernick to fulfill his destiny. |
| 23 | 23 | New York Jets | The cracks are starting to form. Why don’t they make the whole team out of the black box? |
| 24 | 29 | Baltimore Ravens | How much of that butt whooping was them and how much was the spiraling Dolphins? |
| 25 | 24 | Chicago Bears | The defense is good. The offense is bad. Zach Miller is lucky he can walk. |
| 26 | 25 | Green Bay Packers | Werewolf bar mitzvah spooky scary (BYE) |
| 27 | 26 | Arizona Cardinals | Boys becoming men (BYE) |
| 28 | 28 | New York Giants | Men becoming wolves (BYE) |
| 29 | 31 | San Francisco 49ers | THEY HAVE A QUARTERBACK. OH MY GOD THEY DID IT THE MADMEN. |
| 30 | 30 | Indianapolis Colts | Took the Bengals to the brink, they still stink, and Luck’s shoulder’s become rinky-dink. |
| 31 | 27 | Miami Dolphins | Man you guys stink. Welcome to the depths. So much hype and hyperbole for ziparoonie. And they just traded Ajayi and will trade Landry. |
| 32 | 32 | Cleveland Browns | Fun fact, in England, they call the Cleveland Browns the Trollybagger Dollywops. Crazy but true. Hard to see them dropping from last in the power rankings. |
