Carson Wentz proved last night on Monday Night Football that he and the Eagles are for realsies, no takebacks, no do-overs. Wentz is set up to be great for a long time. They get to the top of the power rankings with that effort. Sorry for no spoilers, but it’s about an inch away from these letters. It’s a good thing that this idiot thought that trading for the #2 pick was insane.
| Rank | Last | Team | Thoughts |
| 1 | 2 | Philadelphia Eagles | Carson Wentz is a magician, there’s no other way to explain him not getting sacked on the play we all saw on MNF. |
| 2 | 3 | New England Patriots | The Mist (2007, 2017), The Missed Defense (Weeks 1 – 6) |
| 3 | 1 | Kansas City Chiefs | Chinks are forming in the armor, but it’s hard to fault them for that absolutely insane finish. Still, the Eagles have flown, Eagles, flown. |
| 4 | 11 | Los Angeles Rams | Only hard parts of the next month is playing the Texans and sharing a city with the Chargers. |
| 5 | 8 | Seattle Seahawks | Russell Wilson is doing what he can with this offensive line and no running game. The defense looked alright, but losing Cliff Avril will hurt them in the long run. |
| 6 | 5 | Detroit Lions | Left a good job in the city, workin’ for the man ev’ry night and day. And I never lost one minute of sleepin’, worryin’ ’bout the way things might have been, (BYE) |
| 7 | 12 | Dallas Cowboys | Beat the Niners but everybody beats the Niners, NBD. |
| 8 | 10 | Pittsburgh Steelers | Martavis Bryant wants out because he’s a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and his butt smells and…he likes to kiss his own butt |
| 9 | 9 | Buffalo Bills | Won a shootout but they aren’t built for that. The versatility is great and they don’t inexplicably hate Tyrod for no reason right now. |
| 10 | 4 | Atlanta Falcons | Good news Atlanta they’ll stop making 28-3 jokes now. Actually, nah, they never will. |
| 11 | 6 | Carolina Panthers | You lost to a team that threw the ball seven times. You Lost To A Team That Threw The Ball Seven Times. YOU LOST TO A TEAM THAT THREW THE BALL SEVEN TIMES. |
| 12 | 14 | Houston Texans | Big wheel keep on turnin’. Proud Mary keep on burnin’. Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ on the river. (BYE) |
| 13 | 13 | Washington Redskins | Went toe-to-toe with the best team in the league. PAY KIRK. |
| 14 | 19 | Jacksonville Jaguars | Jags won two in a row! Jags won two in a row! Run game kept humming. Bort Bortles won’t drag this franchise down, apparently. |
| 15 | 7 | Denver Broncos | Trevor Siemian was a hero a month ago. Now he’s common gutter street trash. The Broncos saw the brunt of what happens when the Chargers don’t Charger all over themselves. |
| 16 | 25 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | I thought Jameis would be more limited than he was with his AC strain. Back to the middle of the pack for you. |
| 17 | 21 | Minnesota Vikings | All we learned Sunday is about Kai Forbath. |
| 18 | 23 | Oakland Raiders | Gutsy win to pull it out without Marshawn because he did Extremely Marshawn Things. |
| 19 | 15 | Cincinnati Bengals | Trounced by Pittsburgh last week. Not investing in your O-Line and not getting the ball to your best playmakers, and you lose? Shocking. |
| 20 | 17 | New Orleans Saints | No credits for smacking down… *checks stat sheet* B. Hundley? |
| 21 | 18 | Tennessee Titans | The offense is a dad gum mess and their heir apparent RB took 13 carries to get 13 yards. They went to OT, against the BROWNS! |
| 22 | 24 | Los Angeles Chargers | So this is what happens when you don’t fart the game away or miss last-second field goals to win or abandon a city for a soccer stadium where nobody likes you. Eh, strike that last one. |
| 23 | 20 | New York Jets | Jets gonna Jet but they’re far more competitive than you would think. |
| 24 | 26 | Chicago Bears | I don’t even know what to do with this team. Their offense is barely functional but they are 3-4. |
| 25 | 16 | Green Bay Packers | I thought Hundley was going to be terrible and I over-estimated his skill level. |
| 26 | 22 | Arizona Cardinals | Losing Carson Palmer means the end of an era. Palmer, Fitz, DJ will likely never play together again. |
| 27 | 27 | Miami Dolphins | In the best coincidence, after Jay Cutler breaks his ribs, he ends up on IR, but nobody tells him, but he never shows up again anyway. |
| 28 | 28 | New York Giants | Evan Engram is going to be a matchup nightmare for a decade. |
| 29 | 29 | Baltimore Ravens | Joe Flacco is making $24.5 million this year. Case Keenum is making $2 million. Case Keenum threw for more yards than Flacco. Disgusting. |
| 30 | 30 | Indianapolis Colts | Just call it a mulligan on 2017 and let everyone go home. Spend all your picks on an o-line and let Luck heal up. |
| 31 | 31 | San Francisco 49ers | The Niners could use a run stuffer in the middle. Maybe the Raiders will trade them NaVorro Bowman? |
| 32 | 32 | Cleveland Browns | Barely an NFL team. |
