Other people think that their arbitrary 1-32 power rankings of the NFL are definitive. They’re wrong, my arbitrary power rankings are definitive.
| Rank | Team | Thoughts |
| 1 | Kansas City Chiefs | If you beat the defending champs in week one and have no letdown in week two, even if your QB is Alex Smith, there’s nowhere to go but down. |
| 2 | Oakland Raiders | Rumor has it if you go to Oakland Coliseum right now and listen closely you can hear Michael Crabtree scoring another touchdown on the Jets while Marshawn dances. |
| 3 | New England Patriots | Tom Brady is still Tom Brady, but there’s residual damage done to their ranking from week one. There’s also residual damage from all their damaged skill position players. |
| 4 | Atlanta Falcons | 28-3 joke goes here. The Vic Beasley injury is going to hurt but the offense under Sarkeesian doesn’t hurt at all. |
| 5 | Pittsburgh Steelers | Even with Le’Veon Bell not going full speed the offense is humming. T.J. Watt is doing his best to be the best Watt in the NFL, despite an injury. |
| 6 | Green Bay Packers | Two broken tackles and a Jordy Nelson injury did them in week two, but I’m not stupid enough to vote against Aaron Rodgers. |
| 7 | Denver Broncos | Trevor Siemian gives them a better QB than they had the last they won the Super Bowl. |
| 8 | Tennessee Titans | After a slow start week one, exotic smashmouth was on full display Sunday. The most exotic being Delanie Walker’s first career TD run and the rise of Derrick Henry. |
| 9 | Seattle Seahawks | Their defensive front line is incredible, and their defense is still amazing overall. The offensive line is enough to take this team down, though. |
| 10 | Baltimore Ravens | There’s no more difficult team for me to rank; Andy Dalton’s meltdown and the Browns being the Browns make it hard to figure out where their failings end and the Ravens begin. |
| 11 | Dallas Cowboys | Losing a chunk of the offensive line and Zeke’s legal trouble put a pall over the team. They’re not the same squad as last year. |
| 12 | Detroit Lions | Matthew Stafford is showing that he earned his massive contract, and their running game with Ameer Abdullah is rounding into shape. |
| 13 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | Only one game so far against a dumpster fire team. Not much to see here but defense and offense looked wonderful against Chicago. |
| 14 | Philadelphia Eagles | They’re trending upward. Carson Wentz might already be the best NFC East quarterback. |
| 15 | Carolina Panthers | Cam Newton’s clearly not healthy and has a history of getting worse during the year, and Greg Olsen is gone. The defense looks as good as ever, though. |
| 16 | New Orleans Saints | The road to 7-9 is paved with Kenny Vaccaro blowing coverage. They’re 0-2 but I’ll take them to out-shoot any team in the league. |
| 17 | Minnesota Vikings | Losing Sam Bradford turns them from a top-flight team into an also-ran. How is that a sentence that gets uttered in 2017? |
| 18 | Washington Redskins | Kirk Cousins probably should have taken that cash this offseason, their offense is looking rocky. |
| 19 | Miami Dolphins | Jay Ajayi is the truth until his knee collapses and Jay Cutler is as-advertised. They get no credit for Koo missing a game-winning field goal. |
| 20 | Los Angeles Rams | THROW THE BALL TO SAMMY WATKINS!!! |
| 21 | Buffalo Bills | Who would have thought that hemorrhaging all your good players would result in your team cratering? And why do they hate Tyrod Taylor so much? |
| 22 | Houston Texans | Watson just isn’t ready, but that defense is legit. |
| 23 | New York Giants | Eli Manning should have ridden off into the sunset with Peyton. |
| 24 | Los Angeles Chargers | Their kicker needs to be a lot calmer and they’d be 0-2. He should be Koo as a Koocumber. |
| 25 | Arizona Cardinals | It’s the end of the line for Palmer, Arians, Fitz & Co. |
| 26 | Indianapolis Colts | So you’re telling me not putting talent around Andrew Luck and then losing Andrew Luck turns a team into garbage? |
| 27 | Cincinnati Bengals | They fired their O.C. because Andy Dalton is bad and because he kept giving the ball to not-Joe Mixon. Things should move upward. |
| 28 | Chicago Bears | Mike Glennon, huh? That’s who you’re going with? Also if you’ve read this far please report to John Fox, you’re fourth on the WR depth chart this week. |
| 29 | Jacksonville Jaguars | Jacksonville, your quarterback, woof! |
| 30 | San Francisco 49ers | 99 passing yards Sunday against the Seahawks. NINETY-NINE. But the front-seven looks as-advertised. |
| 31 | Cleveland Browns | Kizer looks encouraging but someone should give Corey Coleman a hand for not having a functional hand for more than a few games in a row. |
| 32 | New York Jets | J E T S SUCK SUCK SUCK |
