Despite going 12-for-26 on Thursday Night Football, Jalen Hurts was all smiles in his post-game press conference. “I put a lot of great tape out there,” Hurts commented in response to a reporter’s inquiry as to whether he got kicked in the head by a horse pre-game, “I learn best from my mistakes, so I expect to be a genius at ball-throw-stuff by next week. I’ll probably make the Pro Bowl. I’m going to be such a great resource for whatever QB the Eagles draft to replace me!”
One of the things that Hurts is most excited about is watching footage of his past games. “I rewatched my game tonight, and it helped so much,” he said, “for instance, on one play I throw it to a player covered by four different Bucs. It didn’t work, so now I know not to do that!”
Hurts then paused to pull out a pair of wire-rimmed spectacles. After taking several attempts to successfully put them on, Hurts continued “in fact, I’m learning a lot about the science of football. Did you know that there is a zero percent chance of a receiver catching a pass if I throw it so it lands ten yards away from them? These high-end metrics will really help my game!’
Hurts then removed his glasses, “I would like to dedicate tonight’s performance to Richard Sherman. Ever since Tom Brady commissioned that portrait of Sherman and put it in Gisele’s attic, things just haven’t been right.”
Hurts, who is the current world record holder for “most people injured during a single game of darts at the bar,” chose this time to excuse himself from the press conference, and skipped away on into the night.
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