Geno Smith WILL Be the NFL MVP

After taking over in the third quarter of yesterday’s Thursday Night Football, Geno Smith put on an amazing 98-yard drive. I’m calling it now: He will win the 2021 NFL Most Valuable Player award.

The numbers don’t lie. They can’t lie: They’re numbers. I’m not looking at a number three then all-of-a-sudden I shout out “you’re a liar!” then the number 3 says “you got me,” and changes into the number 247. Rock-solid science. And check out these numbers, based on last nights stats:

47 passing touchdowns (when extrapolated for the entire season)
6,073 passing yards (when extrapolated for the entire season)
0 people pissed off enough to break his jaw (when extrapolated for the entire season)

The answer is here for Seahawks fans who have grown bored of losing in the division playoff round every year. Ciara, go ahead and reboot Russell Wilson’s operating system because he is going to spend plenty of time on the sidelines. The numbers do not lie! I don’t go up to someone and say, “what time is it,” and then they say “it’s 4:20” and then I smoke weed and then they say, “I lied! It is not 4:20! I have tricked you into smoking weed at a time that is suboptimal!” Here are some more numbers that do not lie:

1,066 rushing yards (when extrapolated for the entire season)
0 fumbles (when extrapolated for the entire season)
$0 in fines for screaming profanities at his own fans (when extrapolated for the entire season)

So it’s time: I need to give Geno Smith a nickname. That way, when he inevitably storms to the NFL MVP podium, people will remember it was me who first thought to call him Geno <something something> Smith. So, what should it be… calculating… Geno Pizza Roll Smith.

No, I’m just kidding. The official Football Absurdity nickname for Geno Smith, unless Jeff and Waleed hate this idea so much they kick me out of the company, is…

Geno Marino.

Proclaim the word to all of football. Namaste!