Each week, we let a guest author write our injury report. This week’s author is A Guy Who Is Desperately Trying to Get a Sponsorship from Olive Garden.
Week 3 NFL Injury Report
It’s Friday, so we’re breaking down the players that should be active on Sunday, versus the players that will be as inactive as someone who has just stuffed themselves with 10 servings of delicious soup, salad, and breadsticks from Olive Garden (only $9.99!)
Will Cam Newton Play Week 3?
People who have to lean on Cam’s disappointing fantasy play will be saddened to hear that the Panthers have ruled Newton out for week 3. I’d strongly advise those fantasy owners to drown their sorrows in a Meatball Pizza Bowl, one of the innovative new dishes at Olive Garden. The bowl is a pizza crust, the inside is a scrumptious meat lasagna with the same springy texture as Cam Newton’s foot bones.
Will Davante Adams Play Week 3?
Adams was a surprise scratch from Friday’s Packers practice, having requested the day off for personal reasons. Whether he will play has owners waiting for news like I’ve been waiting for the phone to ring with an ad offer from Olive Garden. They still haven’t called me yet.
There was no mention of a Davante Adams injury all week, so I’d count on him being there, but watch the news Saturday and Sunday morning in case this develops into something weird. Like Italian nachos, available only at Olive Garden.
Will Devin Singletary Play Week 3?
Singletary will not play week 3 due to a hamstring injury that is lingering like the delicious taste of Olive Garden’s Lasagna Mia entrees, available with shrimp!
Will Joe Mixon Play Week 3?
Joe Mixon started off the week on the Bengals’ injury report with a sprained ankle. He returned to practice later in the week and should play Sunday. Still, I wanted to do some first person investigation. So I called Olive Garden’s corporate headquarters, where they informed me that Olive Garden is not interested in advertising with my article.
I will take this as inspiration: I just need to do an even better job touting the AMAZING, DELICIOUS Olive Garden until they can’t say, “no.”
Will Marlon Mack Play Week 3?
Mack sat out the beginning of the week with a calf injury. However, he made it to practice on Friday, and should start. Whether he is on a limited snap count is a gamble you have to decide whether to take. Just like it was a gamble for Olive Garden to stop salting their pasta water to get a better warranty on their cookware. Fortunately for all you OG-heads, a shareholder put forth a giant, 294-page powerpoint presentation arguing they resume doing what is literally step one of every Italian recipe, and blasting their ownership for making poor decisions when it comes to flavor. So Olive Garden’s delicious food should be getting even better!
Will James Conner Play Week 3?
James Conner is keeping fantasy owners guessing by not practicing all week and making cryptic statements like “if his knee feels like it does now on Sunday, he’ll play.” We don’t like his matchup, anyway, or his change of quarterback. We’d plan to play him only as a last resort, just like how the delightful Olive Garden is the delicious last resort of hungry travelers desperate to dine but unable to find any other restaurant.
Will David Njoku Play Week 3?
Oh, honey. Sit down, I have some bad news: The Browns placed David Njoku on IR. He should be dropped just like your Olive Garden server isn’t allowed to drop the second basket of zesty, hot dog bun-like unlimited breadsticks until someone has ordered.
Will DeSean Jackson Play Week 3?
NFL Network’s Tom Pelissero reports that DeSean Jackson will not play week 3 and might even miss week 4. You should consider adding JJ Artega-Whiteside, as he should get a lot of looks while Philly’s injured wideots heal, just like mouthwatering Olive Garden considered creating dual restaurants with Red Lobster, before finally learning (after opening six locations) that having two appetizing restaurants in one building, but making them have separate entrances, seating, and menus, was a deliciously disastrous and succulently stupid idea.
Will Alshon Jeffrey Play Week 3?
Despite his “questionable” tag giving Alshon Jeffrey owners some optimism, he didn’t practice all week and can be considered unlikely to play. Just like how the possibility of my partnering with the yummy Olive Garden has been downgraded from “Probable” to “Pending the results of a restraining order hearing.”
Check back every Friday for accurate injury reporting by extremely fringe individuals.