Last year, we shamelessly tried to suckle at the Disney teat with our 2018 NFL Marvel Mock Draft. This year, we here at Football Absurdity still have day jobs and have decided that Thanos is right. Half the universe does need to be wiped out. There are too many resources writing about the NFL on the internet and they have to go. We need less ESPN and more FA. So the 2019 NFL Marvel Mock Draft is going to go full Thanos. In Infinity War, Thanos willed half the universe out of existence. This year, we are going to see who or what NFL fans and front offices wish Thanos would destroy. If Disney won’t throw all their money at us, then we might as well just watch the world burn.
1) Arizona Cardinals — Josh Rosen
We all know what Kliff Kingsbury wants to do:
Good-bye Josh Rosen. Hello tiniest quarterback ever
2) San Francisco 49ers — Jed York
Only real men are allowed in NFL locker rooms….
and the planet Earth
3) New York Jets — Mo Wilkerson’s Birthday Cake
Imagine not showing up to your own birthday party
4) Oakland Raiders — Cough Syrup
So Jamarcus Russell could have the career he should have
5) Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Uber
Someone’s gotta save Jameis Winston from himself
6) New York Giants — Nerds
In Dave Gettleman’s quest to eliminate analytics,
any scout looking at a laptop must be eliminated!
7) Jacksonville Jaguars — 4th Quarter to the 2018 AFC Championship Game
Instead of playing it safe, Jacksonville aggressively attacks
one of the biggest problems in its franchise history
8) Detroit Lions — Background checks
Technically, the Lions aren’t using them anyway
9) Buffalo Bills — Folding Tables
Being a Bills fan is hard. Especially on folding tables.
10) Denver Broncos — Quarterbacks
Specifically, any quarterback hand selected by John Elway!
11) Cincinnati Bengals — NFL’s Personal Conduct Policy
It’s time to put an end to the NFL’s assault on the Bengal’s constant assaults!
12) Green Bay Packers — Cholesterol
This is what they serve at Lambeau field.
Somebody save them from themselves!
13) Miami Dolphins — Tom Brady
This is the face of your demise
14) Atlanta Falcons — 28-3
Do I even need to say anything here?
15) Washington Redskins — Washington Redskins
Between Dan Snyder and an offensive mascot, we’ve just had enough
16) Carolina Panthers — Roughing The Passer Penalties
Because if the NFL isn’t going to call it for the Panthers,
why should they call it for everyone else?
17) New York Giants — Dave Gettleman
Gotta get rid of Gettleman before he gets rid of all the good players!
18) Minnesota Vikings — Kirk Cousin’s Guaranteed Money
Because guaranteed money didn’t guarantee wins!
19) Tennessee Titans —
Thanos, like everyone else, probably forgets the Tennessee Titans exist
20) Pittsburgh Steelers — Consent
Enough sad. Whoops, I mean, “said”
21) Seattle Seahawks — 9-11 Truthers
We get it, Pete. Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.
Can you address our offensive line now?
22) Baltimore Ravens — Ray Lewis’s Murder Suit
Already gone. Thanks, Thanos!
23) Houston Texans — Bob McNair
24) Oakland Raiders — Jon Gruden
Half the roster’s gone. Fuck you, Thanos!
25) Philadelphia Eagles — Santa Claus
Eagles fans finish what they started!
26) Indianapolis Colts — Jim Irsay’s Pills
We don’t need another Trent Richardson
27) Oakland Raiders — Memories
Just please take away the last 19 years
28) Los Angeles Chargers — Philip River’s kids
With limited resources on this planet,
half of Philip River’s kids have to go
29) Kansas City Chiefs — KC BBQ
Someone has to save Andy Reid from himself
30) Green Bay Packers — Tight End Hype
Your new tight end isn’t going to be any good.
Stop fooling yourselves.
31) Los Angeles Rams — Jeff Fisher
In the ultimate act of balance, 8-8 Fisher has to go
32) New England Patriots — Thanos
Because there can only be one destroyer of dreams