TNF Review: Colts at Patriots
Tonight’s version of Thursday Night Farceball was a boring, standard-issue Patriots romp to victory over the Colts. Despite a declarative statement that the rivalry was back over the summer, the Colts remain winless against the Pats since Peyton Manning’s departure. While we didn’t get anything as crazy as a possum in the stadium like the Browns did, there were still some items of utter nonsense that we dealt with tonight. The Patriots smacked down the Colts, and we didn’t even get a Tom Brady tantrum or an Andrew Luck spittle storm out of it. This version of Thursday Night Farceball is a TNF review that brings all the weird and farcical stuff you might have missed because you have better time management skills that stopped you from watching the game.
TNF Review: MYSTERY SOLVED
There are two fictitious cities whose statehood are unknown. Famously, the Simpsons reside in a Springfield that exists in a nebulous location somewhere inside the United States. There’s another, mysterious, more delectable metropolis whose location seems to vary from week to week. We are assured that people are always headed in the direction of this population center, but we never actually find out where it is. This week, we discovered that it is in, or near, Massachusetts. Tonight folks, we learned the location of Flavortown.
TNF Review: ROUGHING THE PASSER IS A STATE OF MIND
A lot of gurus will tell you that you can manifest your reality. This is the secret behind The Secret. You can will an outcome into the universe. Andrew Luck lacks the mental acuity and efficiency to manifest his reality. Tom Brady, on the other hand, eschews strawberries and lives in a hyperbaric chamber when he’s not on a football field. His positive mental vibes allowed him to achieve penalty nirvana, absorbing the flag that should have been thrown for Andrew Luck’s pancaking and redirecting it towards the Colts defense.
“Life can sometimes get the best of you but your state of mind determines your outcome.”
― Sanjo Jendayi
TNF Review: DO YOUR JOB 1:21
The Patriots giveth, then they taketh away, then they giveth… again. Back-to-back-to-back drives ended in Patriots, then Colts, then Patriots turnovers.
Rejected Joke: They call Chris Hogan 7-Eleven because of the endless supply of Butterfingers
Back-to-back-to-back drives ended in turnovers; each one more hilarious than the last.
TNF Review: TOM BRADY: DUCK HUNTER
Tom Brady’s 500th touchdown path pass and record-breaking 71st person catching a touchdown pass was the ultimate no, no, no, no, no, yes! pass. Side note, and unrelated… Josh Gordon was acquired for a fifth-round pick after the Browns carried him on the roster for approximately 700 years while he battled drug and alcohol addiction. Tom Brady did his best to get that pass picked off… but failed at that, with some spectacular help from Josh Gordon.
TNF Review: SONY MICHEL MORE LIKE… UH, SONY PLAYSTATION
Sony Michel stole Matthias Farley’s soul on this stiff-arm en route to the rout-sealing touchdown. This is a video game move, only on Madden 19 on X Box One and Sony Michel Playstation
That’s it for this week’s TNF review. Tune in next week as the Eagles travel to New York to take on the Giants.