NFL Power Rankings, Week Seven – Comin’ for that Number One Spot

For the one-hundredth straight week, the Chiefs are atop the power rankings. The Eagles beat Cam on Thursday Night Football in fairly blanketing fashion, vaulting them to the #2 spot. Injuries to two quarterbacks saw two teams tumble.  #4, 5, 6, 7 in last weeks rankings all lost and #8 and #9 were on bye… so don’t expect many top-ten changes. Just like every week, these are definitive power rankings and 100% accurate.

Rank Last Week Team Thoughts
1 1 Kansas City Chiefs They weren’t going to be undefeated all year, but Alex Smith is on pace for his best-ever season & Hunt is the first player to go for 100+ scrimmage yards n his first 6 games.
2 5 Philadelphia Eagles The class of the NFC now that Aaron Rodgers is dead. They need to come back to earth because I literally have piles of notebooks of from Wentz they came and Blount/weed jokes. Come on!
3 3 New England Patriots all time terrible defen’se is back baby. It’s bad again. Awoouu (wolf Howl)
4 4 Atlanta Falcons It would be cool if they didn’t target Austin Hooper more than Julio and actually gave Devonta Freeman double-digit carries. Maybe then they wouldn’t lose to the Don’t Care Dolphins
5 6 Detroit Lions Weird weird weird weird weird weird weird game. Literally no idea what to take away from it because of multiple DL pick-sixes
6 7 Carolina Panthers Cam was feeling himself after last week and the opposing defense felt interceptions in their hands
7 8 Denver Broncos John Elway: “I wish Manning will still be winning games in Denver in 2017” *monkey paw curls*
8 9 Seattle Seahawks “There must be some kind of way out of here,” said the joker to the thief. “There’s too much confusion, I can’t get no relief.” (BYE).
9 10 Buffalo Bills Businessmen they, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth. None will level on the line, nobody offered his word. (BYE).
10 12 Pittsburgh Steelers I’m sick and tired of the ben roethlisberger show. You suck and you’re old. Big ben retire binch
11 11 Los Angeles Rams MISSING: SAMMY WATKINS. LAST SEEN: SANTA CLARA, CA.
12 13 Dallas Cowboys “No reason to get excited,” the thief, he kindly spoke. “There are many here among us, who feel that life is but a joke.” (BYE).
13 15 Washington Redskins Grats on barely beating a 49ers team whose offense is literally 18% Iowa Hawkeyes rookies. Jordan Reed is hanging out with Sammy Watkins.
14 22 Houston Texans Deshaun Watson has 13 dang touchdowns in his last three games.
15 16 Cincinnati Bengals But you and I, we’ve been through that. And this is not our fate. So let us not talk falsely now, the hour’s getting late. (BYE).
16 2 Green Bay Packers No Aaron Rodgers, no chance. They should call Kaepernick, but they won’t. And they won’t win, either.
17 19 New Orleans Saints See: Lions. Defense is way better than expected, despite being involved in a 90 point game.
18 21 Tennessee Titans Blew out the Colts with a half-broken Marcus Mariota. Not bad, but doesn’t do much to switch them up in the power rankings.
19 14 Jacksonville Jaguars No picks no chance. The offense outside of Lenny Four nets is eye-gouging awful
20 26 New York Jets ASJ JOBBED JETS ROBBED shoulda beaten the Pats but were victims to Fumblegate.
21 18 Minnesota Vikings Dude you lost to Mitchell Trubisky.
22 24 Arizona Cardinals The Arizona retirement community has Adrian Peterson whipping up the Bucs harder than he whipped up his son’s… actually, nevermind.
23 20 Oakland Raiders The killer B’s. Bowman, broken back, bad hands, beast mode (not using). Carr healing will get them back up the power rankings.
24 25 Los Angeles Chargers Melvin Gordon is literally running into walls on men on every single play. Every play goes to him. It’s a run up the middle. He gets 3.5 yards.
25 17 Tampa Bay Buccaneers ACTIVATE THE FITZ CYCLE. No Jameis, no shot. And I literally just put that they wouldn’t drop below 18 but Jameis takes them from meh to bleh
26 27 Chicago Bears Developed the perfect formula to use Mitrubisky: don’t. 50 carries to 16 Troobs passes in a win.
27 31 Miami Dolphins lol Atlanta.
28 30 New York Giants Eli went 4th quarter Eli for a whole game. It must be “throwing to WR4 Eli.”
29 23 Baltimore Ravens HOW DO YOU LOSE WITH TWO SPECIAL TEAMS TOUCHDOWNS. Joe Flacco sucks, that’s how.
30 28 Indianapolis Colts Coby Brissett & the Indy Experience on track to my 2-6 prediction and shutting down Luck for the year. Luck doesn’t have a timetable to return by the way.
31 29 San Francisco 49ers COME ON DOWN TO LEVI’S STADIUM! SPIN THE WHEEL TO SEE WHICH VETERAN GETS CUT. PLAY PLINKO TO SET THE STARTING LINEUPS. ROLL A D20 TO SEE HOW MANY PENALTIES THEY GET. ROLL ANOTHER FOR DROPS.
32 32 Cleveland Browns Did you know that sometimes people call their poops browns?

 

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