For the one-hundredth straight week, the Chiefs are atop the power rankings. The Eagles beat Cam on Thursday Night Football in fairly blanketing fashion, vaulting them to the #2 spot. Injuries to two quarterbacks saw two teams tumble. #4, 5, 6, 7 in last weeks rankings all lost and #8 and #9 were on bye… so don’t expect many top-ten changes. Just like every week, these are definitive power rankings and 100% accurate.
| Rank | Last Week | Team | Thoughts |
| 1 | 1 | Kansas City Chiefs | They weren’t going to be undefeated all year, but Alex Smith is on pace for his best-ever season & Hunt is the first player to go for 100+ scrimmage yards n his first 6 games. |
| 2 | 5 | Philadelphia Eagles | The class of the NFC now that Aaron Rodgers is dead. They need to come back to earth because I literally have piles of notebooks of from Wentz they came and Blount/weed jokes. Come on! |
| 3 | 3 | New England Patriots | all time terrible defen’se is back baby. It’s bad again. Awoouu (wolf Howl) |
| 4 | 4 | Atlanta Falcons | It would be cool if they didn’t target Austin Hooper more than Julio and actually gave Devonta Freeman double-digit carries. Maybe then they wouldn’t lose to the Don’t Care Dolphins |
| 5 | 6 | Detroit Lions | Weird weird weird weird weird weird weird game. Literally no idea what to take away from it because of multiple DL pick-sixes |
| 6 | 7 | Carolina Panthers | Cam was feeling himself after last week and the opposing defense felt interceptions in their hands |
| 7 | 8 | Denver Broncos | John Elway: “I wish Manning will still be winning games in Denver in 2017” *monkey paw curls* |
| 8 | 9 | Seattle Seahawks | “There must be some kind of way out of here,” said the joker to the thief. “There’s too much confusion, I can’t get no relief.” (BYE). |
| 9 | 10 | Buffalo Bills | Businessmen they, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth. None will level on the line, nobody offered his word. (BYE). |
| 10 | 12 | Pittsburgh Steelers | I’m sick and tired of the ben roethlisberger show. You suck and you’re old. Big ben retire binch |
| 11 | 11 | Los Angeles Rams | MISSING: SAMMY WATKINS. LAST SEEN: SANTA CLARA, CA. |
| 12 | 13 | Dallas Cowboys | “No reason to get excited,” the thief, he kindly spoke. “There are many here among us, who feel that life is but a joke.” (BYE). |
| 13 | 15 | Washington Redskins | Grats on barely beating a 49ers team whose offense is literally 18% Iowa Hawkeyes rookies. Jordan Reed is hanging out with Sammy Watkins. |
| 14 | 22 | Houston Texans | Deshaun Watson has 13 dang touchdowns in his last three games. |
| 15 | 16 | Cincinnati Bengals | But you and I, we’ve been through that. And this is not our fate. So let us not talk falsely now, the hour’s getting late. (BYE). |
| 16 | 2 | Green Bay Packers | No Aaron Rodgers, no chance. They should call Kaepernick, but they won’t. And they won’t win, either. |
| 17 | 19 | New Orleans Saints | See: Lions. Defense is way better than expected, despite being involved in a 90 point game. |
| 18 | 21 | Tennessee Titans | Blew out the Colts with a half-broken Marcus Mariota. Not bad, but doesn’t do much to switch them up in the power rankings. |
| 19 | 14 | Jacksonville Jaguars | No picks no chance. The offense outside of Lenny Four nets is eye-gouging awful |
| 20 | 26 | New York Jets | ASJ JOBBED JETS ROBBED shoulda beaten the Pats but were victims to Fumblegate. |
| 21 | 18 | Minnesota Vikings | Dude you lost to Mitchell Trubisky. |
| 22 | 24 | Arizona Cardinals | The Arizona retirement community has Adrian Peterson whipping up the Bucs harder than he whipped up his son’s… actually, nevermind. |
| 23 | 20 | Oakland Raiders | The killer B’s. Bowman, broken back, bad hands, beast mode (not using). Carr healing will get them back up the power rankings. |
| 24 | 25 | Los Angeles Chargers | Melvin Gordon is literally running into walls on men on every single play. Every play goes to him. It’s a run up the middle. He gets 3.5 yards. |
| 25 | 17 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | ACTIVATE THE FITZ CYCLE. No Jameis, no shot. And I literally just put that they wouldn’t drop below 18 but Jameis takes them from meh to bleh |
| 26 | 27 | Chicago Bears | Developed the perfect formula to use Mitrubisky: don’t. 50 carries to 16 Troobs passes in a win. |
| 27 | 31 | Miami Dolphins | lol Atlanta. |
| 28 | 30 | New York Giants | Eli went 4th quarter Eli for a whole game. It must be “throwing to WR4 Eli.” |
| 29 | 23 | Baltimore Ravens | HOW DO YOU LOSE WITH TWO SPECIAL TEAMS TOUCHDOWNS. Joe Flacco sucks, that’s how. |
| 30 | 28 | Indianapolis Colts | Coby Brissett & the Indy Experience on track to my 2-6 prediction and shutting down Luck for the year. Luck doesn’t have a timetable to return by the way. |
| 31 | 29 | San Francisco 49ers | COME ON DOWN TO LEVI’S STADIUM! SPIN THE WHEEL TO SEE WHICH VETERAN GETS CUT. PLAY PLINKO TO SET THE STARTING LINEUPS. ROLL A D20 TO SEE HOW MANY PENALTIES THEY GET. ROLL ANOTHER FOR DROPS. |
| 32 | 32 | Cleveland Browns | Did you know that sometimes people call their poops browns? |
