Week four in the NFL gave us a good amount of clarity as the power rankings settled in for the long season. We’ve learned the Patriots defense really is that bad, Deshaun Watson will average five touchdowns a game and Matt Stafford may actually be earning his contract. Nevertheless, the most important part of NFL week four was everyone’s new favorite website:
Anyway, here’s the 100% definitive and correct power rankings for week five.
| Rank | Last Week | Team | Thoughts |
| 1 | 1 | Kansas City Chiefs | The wacky, wild ending to MNF doesn’t obscure the fact that they’re the NFL’s last undefeated team. |
| 2 | 2 | New England Patriots | They have the same record as the Jets with Tom Brady having one of his best seasons ever. The defense is an absolute trainwreck. |
| 3 | 3 | Atlanta Falcons | Lost to Buffalo at the Goatse Dome. Julio Jones and Mo Sanu go with Vic Beasley as “starters you don’t want hurt… but are.” |
| 4 | 6 | Green Bay Packers | Aaron Rodgers can only overcome so many injuries around him. They would’ve been better off if the Bears had just forfeited. |
| 5 | 12 | Detroit Lions | They won by accepting the Vikings’ proposition of slowing the game down. Ameer Abdullah looking AAmazing, finally. |
| 6 | 13 | Philadelphia Eagles | Barely beat a pretty bad Chargers team, but the run game finally broke out. |
| 7 | 8 | Pittsburgh Steelers | Beat the Ravens, but then again, so did the Jags. |
| 8 | 20 | Buffalo Bills | Went into the Goatse Dome and took out the defending NFC champs. Why are they deadset on getting rid of Tyrod? |
| 9 | 9 | Denver Broncos | Trevor Siemian game managed himself to a victory. The defense literally breaking the back of the Oakland offense sure didn’t hurt, either. |
| 10 | 18 | Los Angeles Rams | The Rams keep on rollin their way up the rankings. Taking out a team that went 13-3 last year will do that. |
| 11 | 11 | Carolina Panthers | Cam got right against the Pats. The rest of the team was already there. |
| 12 | 10 | Seattle Seahawks | Add the backfield to the offensive line as, “things the Seahawks will need to overcome.” Things looked rough on Sunday until the Seahawks adjusted and the Colts remained coached by Chuck Pagano. |
| 13 | 4 | Oakland Raiders | Derek Carr injury and Beast Mode becoming Least Mode have them plummeting down the ranks. |
| 14 | 7 | Tennessee Titans | Got absolutely waxed by the Texans. The Texans! And they might have lost Marcus Mariota. Woof. |
| 15 | 17 | Dallas Cowboys | Dak Prescott is the truth, but Sean Lee is hurt again. Shocking, I know. They lost to an upstart Rams team whose QB doesn’t know which way the sun rises. |
| 16 | 16 | Washington Redskins | Lost to the Chiefs on MNF, but look light years better than they did the first couple of weeks. |
| 17 | 15 | Tampa Bay Buccaneers | Barely beat a terrible Giants squad that seemingly refused to play defense on tight ends. They may be the platonic ideal of middle-of-the-pack. |
| 18 | 12 | Minnesota Vikings | The Dalvin Cook inury is absolutely back breaking and the Vikes are now without their top two QBs and their starting RB due to knees. #TakeAKnee |
| 19 | 14 | New Orleans Saints | Went to London and smacked the Dolphins in the mouth. The defense is better than we thought. Alvin Kamara is the new Darren Sproles. |
| 20 | 21 | Houston Texans | DESHAUN WATSON IS A GOOD FOOTBALL PLAYER |
| 21 | 28 | Cincinnati Bengals | Got their mojo back. Playing Cleveland will do that to you. |
| 22 | 19 | Baltimore Ravens | They did know there was a game, right? |
| 23 | 24 | Arizona Cardinals | Barely beat the Niners. The offense is in shambles because Palmer has trouble when he’s off his spot and he’s behind the worst O-Line in the NFL. |
| 24 | 23 | New York Giants | They’re teetering on the brink of an absolute disaster. |
| 25 | 32 | New York Jets | They have the same record as the Patriots. HOW?! |
| 26 | 25 | Jacksonville Jaguars | How are you gonna lose to the Jets, man |
| 27 | 29 | Los Angeles Chargers | Absolutely brutal; 0-4 and losing on less than a touchdown, on average. |
| 28 | 27 | Indianapolis Colts | Coby Brissett had a good first half, but the whole thing fell apart pretty quickly. Luck is practicing this week but they should call it a season and shelve him. |
| 29 | 31 | San Francisco 49ers | Defense still feasts, but the offense is a garbage fire. Should turn to CJ Beathard soon. |
| 30 | 22 | Chicago Bears | They were embarrassed on TNF. Absolutely torn apart, and now they’re turning to Mitchrubisky. |
| 31 | 26 | Miami Dolphins | How are you gonna functionally put up zero points in two straight games, one against the Saints? Maybe it’s Matt Moore time. |
| 32 | 30 | Cleveland Browns | Bad Browns Bad. So bad! |
