Welcome back to The Degenerates Gambit! Once again, please remember that these articles are for fun, and while I love writing them and gambling on football, if you or someone you know is addicted and needs help, please get help or get help for them. The national helpline number is 1-800-522-4700.
dont laugh at Aaron Rodgers dont laugh at Aaron Rodgers dont laugh at Aaron Rodgers
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LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I said it on the Thursday Night Farceball stream, and I’ll say it again now: if I had to provide a piping hot take for the 2023 NFL season, it’s that Aaron Rodgers comes back before the end of the season, due to the outstanding medical work of Dr. Joe Rogan. Maybe he’ll actually have time to read all the Ayn Rand books he got from being a charter member of the Jordan Peterson Clean Room Club. It helps when you live alone, you know?
Disclaimer: I don’t actually know if Rodgers lives alone, there’s a small chance that he has a roommate named Kyle who used to be a mod on the Stormfront subreddit before the woke moralists doxxed him and he got moved to desk duty at his local police precinct.
Last week we went 3-1, with the Arizona Cardinals coming within a few plays of upsetting the Commanders, which would’ve made us 4-0 to start the season. So, I went back into the lab and I present to you my findings and plays for this weekend’s slate of games.
Los Angeles Chargers -2.5
Tua and Tyreek’s monster performance last week overshadowed the fact that the Chargers’ offense looked real good at the same time. Josh Kelley is my second most rostered RB in best ball, a fact that I attributed to the Kellen Moore offense and the potential role that he could have on a weekly basis. The WRs are healthy (for now), and a deep passing attack like they have in LA could wreak havoc on the putrid secondary of the Titans. As if that wasn’t enough, both Amani Hooker and Kristian Fulton have already been ruled out this week, so Justin Herbert/Mike Williams/Keenan Allen/Quentin Johnston go up against Sean Murphy-Bunting/Roger McCreary/Kindle Vildor/Tre Avery. Take all this and combine it with the godawful week one performance of the Tennessee passing attack, and this game could get out of hand really quickly.
Indianapolis Colts ML
Anthony Richardson didn’t take long to establish something we all already knew: dual-threat QBs make everything easier. This one is addition by subtraction, as Deon Jackson and his 28 total yards on 13 rushes and 5 catches will most certainly lose work to the recently “healthy” Zack Moss. As of this writing, CJ Stroud was added to the injury report with an injury to his throwing shoulder, which seems bad. Should he not play, you can add him to the list of Texans starters projected to miss this game, which includes BOTH of their week 1 starting safeties. Right now you can get the Colts moneyline at plus odds, and I think that’s a smash play.
Miami Dolphins -3
As I mentioned earlier, the Dolphins offense exploded in week 1. Now we hop into week 2 and see a point spread that makes me think Bill O’Brien has connections in Vegas. Miami’s defense isn’t perfect, but the fact that New England comes into this game with an offensive line that has a concussed Trent Brown AND Sidy Sow missing practice all week, along with limited practices from EVERY STARTER ON THE OFFENSIVE LINE and star CB Jonathan Jones tells me this one isn’t even going to be close. Take the points and thank me later. Miami is going to score in bunches, and New England doesn’t have the firepower to keep up enough to make it a true shootout. I don’t mind taking cheap stabs at Mac Jones in fantasy, but this game is going to be an easy Miami win.
Long Shot Play of the Week: Seattle Seahawks ML
Stupid, right? Seattle just got waxed by Kyren Williams and Puca Nacua last week, they’re missing both offensive tackles, and that defense is still a mess. So, why take Seattle? First, I believe the debut of Devon Witherspoon is a difference maker, and I think the Lions week 1 win was partially due to a lot of good luck in the Kansas City game. Look, don’t come after me Walker, because a win is a win, but Kadarius Toney gifted the Lions 10 points with key drops, and Jared Goff is destined to be a guy that lets us down with key picks and missed opportunities. The Lions are a great team and should win the NFC North, and hey, you gotta play a hell of a game to put yourself in a position to get lucky like they did, but I’m going with the Seahawks this week.
Image Source: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/ca/Tua_Tagovailoa_fumble_Dolphins-Titans_JAN2022.png, cropped under CC BY SA 2.0]
